Rhonda123456

Don't feel bad. When someone gets sick and dies, the family doesn't necessarily behave the way people do in Hallmark movies. My family fell apart during the last 1-1/2 years of my mom's life. One sister became so distressed by mom's illness and the resulting family turmoil, she had a massive heart attack and died. The other sister cracked up, had to be hospitalized a couple of times and ended up not being able to help at all. My brother--who was a total stranger to me and only visited a couple of times each year before mom got sick---suddenly became very aggressive and angry and started visiting every day and arguing about mom's care. I felt like I was under constant siege with no support from anyone except the hospice people who came to the house. They were the only ones who actually helped and supported me over the last six months of mom's life. So hospice was invaluable. The best thing to do is focus on your own grief work and let the others take care of themselves. There are plenty of people who want to listen and help you, so go ahead and accept their support and if you have to, just cut the others out of your life until you have time to heal--or forever, if that seems better.

I just started grief counseling and I had the same sort of issue about whether I should just run around the house and dispose of everything that was causing me pain, or box it all up for later, or just sit with each object and let the pain wash over me. My counselor told me it was a mistake to toss everything out and better to let myself feel the pain over and over until it just wears off with time. Otherwise, the suppressed feelings of loss come out in other ways and can lead to illness, substance abuse, lashing out at others, etc. So I think even though you're tired and even though other people may be impatient and want you to move on, you should take however much time you need until the pain starts to diminish. Everyone is different and it's okay if you have a hard time letting go of the person who died. Nothing is harder in life.

I can relate to what you're saying, Chai. My mom just died on May 27 after about 1-1/2 years of being bedridden due to end-stage Alzheimer's. I had been living with her and taking care of her since 1994, but never expected her to get Alzheimer's since no one in our family ever had it. I don't regret taking care of her at all, but the demands of caregiving got more and more intense until everything else was crowded out, even holding a job. It's impossible to maintain a good attendance record through repeated hospitalizations and constant medical crises. I think not having a job to return to when your loved one dies makes it harder because there is no familiar routine or group of coworkers to give you any sense of normalcy. I'm sure many people end up in the same boat, especially with so many people dying from Alzheimer's and other long, drawn-out illnesses that make it impossible to work and caregive at the same time. I did feel a sense of relief the day mom died, but almost instantly I was overwhelmed by the most horrible feeling of emptiness I have ever experienced. I felt utterly alone in the world. The house was deadly silent and all of a sudden ordinary objects took on a very painful quality. Things formerly associated with pleasant emotions suddenly acquired the ability to inflict intense pain every time I looked at them. As far as my sense of self, I feel like a cloud of ether right now, just a formless, shapeless cloud of floating pain. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in suffering from a loss of identity when a loved one dies.