My precious little boy died today as I tried desperately to resuscitate him on our living room floor. He was a stunning 10 year old black Persian and the light of the house. He was so full of life and character that everything feels empty and sullen now. Pointless.
He went for a drink at his water bowl and just fell over sideways stiff. We tried everything - clearing his airways where I could feel what may have been the tip of a hairball wedged right down the back of his throat, we tried to give him the Heimlich maneuver, we did CPR (I'm trained) and nothing. He was lifeless. His beautiful big copper eyes wide and fixed, his tongue hanging out and us screaming in anguish in between trying to bring him back.
The whole time I thought he'd come round, that he was just in some state of shock and would start to cough or splutter. Nothing.
I feel so guilty for not forcing my fingers further down his throat and for not giving him CPR for longer. It all felt so surreal. Maybe if I had have pushed my fingers just that bit more, I could have grabbed the obstruction. I didn't want to hurt him............and now he is dead.
I honestly don't even know what to do with myself. My face, jaw and body ache from crying non stop for the past 12 hours. And nothing I say or do matters - he's gone. His little body is wrapped in satin in a box next to me awaiting cremation in the morning. Instead he should be sitting next to me cleaning or running about the house like he was only hours ago.
This life is cruel. It is also kind in that we got to be with him for a little time. But having him wrenched away from us and the utter helplessness that I now feel cannot be exaggerated. To me he was my child. He was no less than my own flesh and blood and I'm absolutely devastated. He was the first person I'd look for upon waking and the last that I would kiss good night. Now the light has gone from his eyes and I can no longer play with his beautiful hands or rub his head in just the right spot.
I did everything I could to make a safe home for him. We fed him the best food, speciality food for his breed, we played with him daily, we never once raised our voices to him no matter how mischievous he was. And when it mattered - when it really mattered I wasn't able to protect him or save him. He was happy, full of life and wonder and in the blink of an eye he was gone. I'm still here and it hurts like hell.
Thank you for reading this if you got all the way through.
