Last November my wife lost her best friend - her mother. She had been sick with a rare lung disease, which over a span of 14 years resulted in numerous operations removing most of her lungs. She was down to just 30% lung capacity, and every day was a struggle. The last 2 years of her life I went out of my way to make my mother-in-law comfortable. I set up a spare bedroom for her and invited her over to spend a few nights in a row with us on a regular basis. In November she had a routine procedure, not a surgery, but she ended up in ICU and three days later she passed in the presence of my wife and I. They next few months my wife and I grew much closer. I had been warned that she will need me more than ever, and I made it a point to be there. We grew closer and our marriage grew stronger, only she grew sadder. Then, just about 8 weeks ago I noticed a change in my wife. She became impatient with our two young kids (10 and 5) and grew distant with me. At the same time she grew closer to our friends, getting to the point where I would come home from work and she would be talking to them on the phone for hours, and never even saying hello to me before I headed to bed. She stopped sleeping in bed with me, opting to lie down with our daughter instead. Then the Facebook quotes started just a week or two ago, talking about knowing when to end a routine and start fresh. I thought she meant grieving, but just this past Tuesday she explained that she needed to find herself, that she was no longer happy being married. That it was not me, it was her. She got mad at me for suggesting that she is my happiness, and told me to read a book or find some other hobby to find happiness, but that happiness should not be derived from a person. She explained that she is independent by nature, and that I should be too. Se told me that it is not my job to take care of her, all of these things that she herself would never have said two months ago. She is so fixated on her mom being a strong single woman that she seems to want to keep her alive by becoming her mom. This Sunday is our 19th anniversary of being together. We have been married for 14 years this coming November. I have read many posts here about GF's leaving their BF's, but haven't found any to address a long term, strong husband and wife relationship. We are in counseling, but she keeps saying she does not agree with what the counselor is saying. I feel like I am way up high looking at all of the pieces of my life, and I see this one big piece which defines who I am, drifting away. And I am helpless to stop it. My wife is my existence. Since Tuesday I have broken down crying every day at every location imaginable, from the subway, to the train, to my car, to the bar. I have lost 20 pounds in three days, I cannot eat or drink anything. I am sick to my stomach, and my kids are scared to death as well. At this point I have asked her to stop confiding so much in our friends. I have two of them, both men, to please refrain from acting as a mediator or a confidant while my wife and I sort things out. They have both respected my wishes, but my wife is resentful of this. She thinks I am accusing her of cheating, and I am not. I just feel it is unhealthy for our marriage if she keeps going to other men for comfort. One of their wives is even a little uncomfortable with it as well. At this point she has agreed to stop using her friends to replace me. She isn't sure what she wants, she lets me hug her and she hugs me back, but she won't initiate a hug, which is not like her at all. I believe I can save my marriage, but how? Do I back off and risk a repeat of before, or do I try and continue moving forward. I just don't want to lose her.
