cosmicpixie

Just wanted to come back on here and update you guys after all of your words helped me so much. It reached a point at the end of August where I cried and acouldn't stop...something inside me snapped and I said to myself "why are you wasting so much energy on someone who made you feel this bad?" I had given him the power and from that moment I started to take it back. I went on some "friend-making" sites and forced myself on a date with a nice guy just to get myself out of the wallowing and I had a great time. Nothing serious at all. Randomly a guy messaged me on this site as well thinking I was someone else. Turns out he thought I was someone he worked with and only lives a few towns away. We texted back and forth over two weeks and we had such similar interests it was uncanny. We met up once, got on really well, then went out a few more times. At this point I was starting to get a bit confused as my head was like "you just had a bad break up...you shouldn't be doing this." But this guy treated me better on the dates than my ex ever had in ten years. How sad is that. 4 dates in and nothing had happened bar some hugs. Turns out we both liked one another a lot but he was holding back from being more affectionate and didn't want to hurt me/lead me on after what I'd been through. He told me he'd had a tough time and wanted to sort out his issues. When he does there are no other girls and I'll apparently be the first to know. We've been out since and become such good friends. He's made me laugh again and have fun. He's polite and thoughtful and looks after me when we meet up. I guess I just want to say - you never know what life will throw at you. I can honestly say the ex is pretty much out of my head now....why in such a short space of time? I'm thinking because the hurt was so much after ten years, and I let myself feel it all, there was just nothing more to feel. I hope that doesn't make me seem like a robot. I'm in a better place now - so many possibilities, a major crush (typical girl I am...), and no more feeling second best in a relationship. Do what feels right, take care of yourselves, and the rest will follow.

I just wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to know that he was not deserving of my affection. It just makes you feel....stupid....stupid that I thought this was the man that I would marry and have kids with, and that he could never do wrong by me. That he said there were cracks there even though there were not - he put them there in the last few weeks. A friend who reads his blog for me (lets me know if anything I really have to know) cheered me up last night - apparently he only just noticed that I swiped the dyson rollerball vaccuum for myself....3 weeks after clearing out the apartment. Apparently he went on a bit of a rant about it. I did leave him all of the furniture, TV, DVD etc. though!!! That is so true what you said about how to handle infidelity....how are you supposed to go about it? I wish I could prove something physical happened between the 2 of them, but even if it didn't, the emotional infidelity was almost worse to me. I'm not entirely sure why that is...? Thank you once again for your advice - I feel like today, being a friday before a bank holiday weekend, that I can maybe get through all of this. It's just getting over the missing him part and not having affection for him anymore. In that Susan Elliot blog she mentions how "splitting" is unhealthy for getting over a breakup...where you can't put the cruel person and the older affectionate person into the same person so you separate them in your head. I think that is what I do.Once I get over that part....I think it could be better. The 10 years thing keeps coming back to bite me though.....why did it take this long for him to show his true colours? Why did his mum dying cause it (he's already lost a grandparent and best friend).Why didn't I or anyone else SEE signs before hand? Too many whys and not enough answers :-( How do you cope with speaking to Jim regularly? I honestly don't think I could do it. I wish I could have Chris as a friend as I miss that aspect of him, but I hate who he has become.

Just a random tip.... I don't know about anyone else, but when we split it wasn't just his ex I was going to miss. It's his whole family that I grew close to over the last decade. I was going to go and say goodbye in person, but as they were 2 hrs away by car and as things went on, it became too painful a thought. In the end, I wrote a letter to each individual thanking them for taking me into their family and just saying that I would miss them a great deal. It gave me a bit of "closure" over missing them. (With his nan even writing me back wishing me the best for the future). I even sent some flowers for his mum's grave with a goodbye for now sort of poem on it. I have a feeling that this is something that affects women more than men, but that may be me being a bit sexist.

Why don't we ever get a true explanation? - that's another aspect of this whole "reaction to grief" that I find so incredibly hard to believe and accept. I was with the guy for 10 years - did I not deserve a proper explanation and not a dumping by text. I do NOT buy his explanation for dumping me. I have never snooped on his laptop or in any of his private things before this girl. I spent 2 mins on his laptop and over-reacted about 1 things, stormed out and left the jewellery. It was my ONE blowout moment in our whole ten years and he thought "not worth trying" after that....doesn't ring true to me. Makes me feel like he was waiting on an excuse to get out of our relationship since his mum passed. In my opinion, if there is any chance that one person is the one for you - your soul mate - you do EVERYTHING to make it work. I felt the gap between us but if he came off his laptop for the 4 hrs a day or so he was on it and made an effort like I was trying, we COULD have got through it. I was willing to pay for counselling - anything - that desperate. I only wish he sat me down and said "I'm sorry that I can't be with you anymore. My feelings for this other girl got in the way - I shouldn't have let it and I'm sorry." Would have been hard but honest - by all the lies? Do they think that it makes it easier for us? I'm so sorry that you still have the wedding dress and shoes - one day you will know what to do with these I'm sure. I'm lucky in a way that I never got my dress sorted as the wedding was booked for April 27th 2013. All those plans that suddenly go to pot. What a waste of feelings and emotions :-( It doesn't make any sense that they could so badly want that one minute and the next, when someone dies, go NOPE. I know if my mum died, I would have wanted my ex there by my side at all times. I would draw him closer and not push him away. Perhaps my ex associates me so closely with her death he cannot remove me....I drove him back home when we knew she collapsed; was in the hospital room when his dad told us they ahd lost her; went to see the body with him next door and told her she was so special to me. I hope there is someone out there who can treat me right and I can get past this. I just feel a bit - well I'm 29 and was about ready to have kids with you - thanks a bunch mister!!! I feel a bit out of place as I was in a relationship when all my friends were single back at the start, and now the roles have reversed. I loved our routines and just being together - to be honest, that is what I miss the most. People can go on about sex and the like, but I miss our cuddles watching a movie and our routines. Looking back I did a lot for the guy and he was lazy - but you don't care when you love someone with all your heart. I worry that this will have a lasting impact - I'm an open, friendly, trusting person and so easy going. Now I wonder whether that will change? He's off my facebook friends, my mobile, e-mail etc. I find it hard not to go on his online blog but I'm doing my best not to. I don't know whether I get some sick pleasure in knowing that this girl hasn't gone right for him as he seemingly thought she would do. I don't know if that even makes me more annoyed that nothing came to fruition? And to think he blamed my "trust issues" for not trying again....WHATEVER. Why did I have these trust issues suddenly appear after 10 years or so together? I hate crying over him as I know he isn't worth it, but every day is such a struggle. I think "yeah, you're getting there" and WHAM....the proposal pops into my head; a holiday to Vegas; time with his family. Why can't they make a pill that stops these random thoughts :-) They are the worst part. I don't know if you've read any of her stuff, but found a blog/bought a book by Susan Elliot which is helping at the moment. Quite motivational. Thanks again for all your advice and kind words - just typing this out there is helping in itself.

I just don't understand what switch goes off in their head that makes them think "this woman I proposed to and want to spend my life with..............nope" This is why I'm on here - trying to provide an answer for myself I guess. It surely has to be his mum dying that was the trigger as, to my knowledge and going but gut instinct, there was no issue pre- his mum dying and this girl being on the scene. I had an e-mail come through for wedding stuff today and that got to me - obviously as I was a bride to be and had waited patiently until the biq question, as soon as we were engaged I signed up to every bridal list going. Foolish of me. Cancelling the wedding was awful - have never pushed for much or wanted much in my life - never rushed him to propose. I loved the planning and looking forward to that future - kids would be on the way after that :-( With being told at 8am at work, I don't start until 9. However, my manager and other colleague who work with me were in late/not in so I had to go and bawl in the toilets and spill my guts to the IT guy. As we were short staffed, I managed to work until 1pm with the intention of going home, clearing as much stuff as I could, and going to my mum's. In the end I went home and sobbed all over the place before I could move. I don't know how you managed your commute - you are so lucky to have not had an accident! I live 20 mins from my work place so small graces really. I also don't understand what this person has that I didn't? From what I can gather, my ex was a self harmer, and this 19 year old girl was too. He said it was like a female version of him at that age (I helped him stop). I think he saw himself in her and I wasn't messed up enough for him? His mum was also a nurse so perhaps he saw it as caring in that sense and carrying on what she would have done. In some ways, I guess I'm sort of excusing how he treated me - but this is how it goes in my head.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words KayC - I appreciate them more than you will ever know. I just feel so glad to have found this site because the "typical" break up sites never seemed to quite cover what I am going through with the loss of his mum so recently. I am very lucky in the fact that I was able to move back in with my mum and grandad. I have left my ex to deal with all the furniture we had collected in our old house. Luckily we were renting so he is moving back to his home town in a few weeks. It was all generic ikea furniture so I made the decision to save up for my own place and get fresh new furniture when I'm ready. No reminders of him and his shoddy bookcase building! I am also lucky to have some wonderful girlfriends to have rallied around me, taking me out for meals, and just being there when I need to talk. My mum has also been the same. It does make you realise who is really there for you when the proverbial poop hits the fan, so to speak. The downside of all of this (or plus) is that I haven't taken any time off work bar a few hrs when I got the text dumping me (at 8am when he knew I'd be in work - similar to your fed ex experience - why do they do it at these times??). I used most of my annual leave in the 4 weeks after his mum passed away, making sure he was in his home town as often as possible, just being there to wash, cook, iron etc. for his dad and take them to see his brother in critical care. I'm a nice person, so I wouldn't take that back, but it's going to be a long slog until the end of the year with no holidays apart from the Christmas bank holidays. I have taken one step - when we split we were quite amicable (shock on my part - a belief it was naturally over until a few days later I was waking up and thinking....hang on a second....you don't just get rid of someone after 10 years for a quick peep on your laptop and leaving my engagement ring on the table!). I was going to help with his bills until he moved back home. Stuff that I though last week - and used the money to buy a pair of Jimmy Choos. I have never done something so frivolous in all my life. I know money cannoy buy happiness, and neither can material things. I think of these as my "strength" shoes. A rewards for what I can get through whenever I look at them. Silly I know. I think the worst part in all of this is the betrayal I feel - how I could be unswaying in my love for him at such a difficult time and do all I can to make sure he was ok. He didn't want to talk about it so we didn't. He wanted to go online to pass time off work so I let him. I was just doing what I thought was best to help him get through this tragedy. It hurts that this one girl went after him, and he didn't put up those barriers you were talking about when he had done in the past. I thought I was being a caring fiance and letting him see his friends. I said to him "I am jealous, but I won't be a girl who tells you who you can and can't be friends with." I think whatever happened would have happened in the end, however I had played it. The fact that he started messaging and flirting with her barely weeks after we had booked our wedding venue was so hurtful I can't put it into words. I don't even think she was that special - right place and time perhaps? He seems to think that "fate is inexorable" and is taking that meaning as far as her. I just wond't understand how someone can do that to a person after 10 years - I can only presume his grief flipped a switch in his brain and he thought "I'll do whatever I want." :-( He ignored my feelings when I told him I was so jealous the way they talked - like they were cultivating a relationship. He fobbed off these concerns. He then had the gall to drag it out for these concerts we were going to making me feel crazy. So angry - though I suppose I can't be too angry at myself as I did voice my concerns and he chose to ignore them.

struggling so much - started crying in work today. Received a letter from his nan saying just look back at the good times and move forward. I just so want some answers and they will never come :-(

This is the copied and pasted response from KAY C - not sure how else to move it:- KayC Group: Contributor Posts: 3,854 Joined: 10-July 05 Interests:I love stamping, hiking, nature, singing. I work as an Office Mgr./Bkpr. Posted Yesterday, 06:26 PM Cosmicpixie, It is the feelings of betrayal, the feelings of being lied to, that seem to be the hardest to deal with. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation...ten years is a very long time so your feelings are very understandable. I know he was foggy in his grief and slid into this relationship with the other girl, but the fact is, your relationship had a very weak spot...his lack of boundaries. He should have had adequate boundaries in place that guarded your relationship so this wouldn't happen. But he didn't. In my opinion, and please forgive me because I know you love him still, but in my opinion, he is undeserving of your love and devotion, for his should have equaled yours, he should have had deep appreciation for your being a solid rock to him. You are likely right in that his relationship with this other girl will be lacking...for one thing, it began as something illicit...she did not have the right to take up with him knowing he was committed to someone else...just as he did not have the right to break his vows to you. It will cause them problems in the future, but that is their's to deal with. For you, your goal would be to get over him, to move on with your life, to put the pieces back together and create something wonderful of your life...right now that seems easier said than done, 3 1/2 weeks isn't very long although it probably seems like a lifetime already, it will take you much more time to get over him, but you will. Let your sense of indignation at what he did to you surface long enough to fuel your determination to create something positive for yourself through this experience. Between now and the time you can reach that goal...please come here...vent, cry, get angry, heal, all of it, for all is needed. You may want to copy and paste your story into your own thread, one where we can come and respond to you...or better yet, have a moderator move it to a new thread all your own, that and my response, so we don't hijack this one, okay? Good luck to you, and lots of (((hugs)))!

*** I forgot to add to this - I was incredibly close to his mum so her death hit me like a ton of bricks. I took him back and forth to see his parents on a 2 hr drive every other weekend (as he moved to be with me). The same when she died so his dad wasn't alone - did all the cooking, cleaning, sorting out hospital visits to teh brotehr for them both. Chsoe her clothes for the coffin and a song for the service. Feel like its 2 x bereavements which is so strange.

apologies for hijacking this thread Miri - not very good with forums so didn't know I could start my own. Have done this now but it's gone on twice - doh! Thanks for the advice MartyT. KayC - I have read your story on here over the last day or so and you are just so inspiring - how you keep going on is an inspiration to us all. I think you hit the nail on the head about his boundaries - he didn't put them up properly with this girl. She got under his skin. My mum keeps saying maybe it would have happened anyway and I think she could be right. Everything was fine up to end April, his mum died start of May - he says cracks were there before but why would he let me put our money down on wedding deposits etc? His grief is not an excuse for this - but I don't know how to explain it all in my head? I know I should hate him so much - and I do in a way but miss the old "us" at the same time. Why did his grief make him so cruel - that is what I would like to know? This girl though - she has gone back to her BF....I'm sure this is killing my ex but that makes me a little bit happy...wrong, I know. Thanks so much for your kind words - they lifted me up on a horrible Monday morning in work. I just want to move on from this - I'm going to buy my own place and a new car - those are goals...but material things don't really matter right now :-(

As advised, have moved this to my own thread (still new to all of this, sorry!). I was with my bf for almost 10 and a half years (I'm 29). We got engaged back in Feb on our 10 year anniversary. We booked the wedding etc. at the end of April for 2 years time. Suddenly in May, his brother was rushed to hospital with severe chicken pox / pneumonia and had to be placed into a medically induced coma. The day after this happened, his mum died suddenly of a heart attack. We managed to get through the 4 weeks after the funeral, but since she died he had been on a site called Open Diary (which is a blogging site, really) and a 19 year old girl had befriended him. She lived 2 hrs away. She came to see him, he came to see her so I let it carry on because I thought "well, if she is helping him through his grief..." He started to get attracted to her and she him. She wrote him love letters, poems and would not back off even though he was engaged. He did not stop her as he valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it. We were drifting further apart as all he would be concerned about is her and her problems. I got accused of creating the distance, and about 6 weeks after his mum's death he kept saying "I don't know if we'll make it, don't know if we should be together" etc. etc. This was killing me - on top of knowing how attracted he was to this girl. In the end I snapped that he was spending more time worrying about her than me (I was stressed - had been a rock to him and hid dad through it all). After that argument we managed to claw it back (even though he said he was finishing with me). In the end it went on a few more weeks as we had concerts tog o to, and he kep messaging and phoning her not understanding why it hurt me even though I told him so. One day in July he sent a text saying I never cared or loved him. Made me see red so I went home from work, packed a few things to stay at my mum's house for a few days to give him space. I snooped on his laptop as I was so worried something was going on and left my jewellery behind. These 2 reasons are what he gave when he broke up with me via text. I can read his online blog and see that he so wants to be with this other girl so badly and that hurts so bad. I wish he had just been honest - I would have been devastated, but better that than be lied to. Any advice would be appreciated on how to fully get over this - been 3 and a half weeks now so I am getting there. What hurts is how he tossed away 10 years aside of pure love and devotion from me to have....what? I am trying to think that his mum dying flicked a switch that made him look at me and see how close I was to her and how badly he didn't want to be reminded of what had happened. This other girl was not involved at all. Any advice or words would be gladly welcomed at this time. *** I'd like to add that in the 10 years or so we were together, he flirted with other girls and had online friends but I never felt threatened until this girl called Molly came on the scene.

I was with my bf for almost 10 and a half years (I'm 29). We got engaged back in Feb on our 10 year anniversary. We booked the wedding etc. at the end of April for 2 years time. Suddenly in May, his brother was rushed to hospital with severe chicken pox / pneumonia and had to be placed into a medically induced coma. The day after this happened, his mum died suddenly of a heart attack. We managed to get through the 4 weeks after the funeral, but since she died he had been on a site called Open Diary (which is a blogging site, really) and a 19 year old girl had befriended him. She lived 2 hrs away. She came to see him, he came to see her so I let it carry on because I thought "well, if she is helping him through his grief..." He started to get attracted to her and she him. She wrote him love letters, poems and would not back off even though he was engaged. He did not stop her as he valued her friendship and didn't want to lose it. We were drifting further apart as all he would be concerned about is her and her problems. I got accused of creating the distance, and about 6 weeks after his mum's death he kept saying "I don't know if we'll make it, don't know if we should be together" etc. etc. This was killing me - on top of knowing how attracted he was to this girl. In the end I snapped that he was spending more time worrying about her than me (I was stressed - had been a rock to him and hid dad through it all). After that argument we managed to claw it back (even though he said he was finishing with me). In the end it went on a few more weeks as we had concerts tog o to, and he kep messaging and phoning her not understanding why it hurt me even though I told him so. One day in July he sent a text saying I never cared or loved him. Made me see red so I went home from work, packed a few things to stay at my mum's house for a few days to give him space. I snooped on his laptop as I was so worried something was going on and left my jewellery behind. These 2 reasons are what he gave when he broke up with me via text. I can read his online blog and see that he so wants to be with this other girl so badly and that hurts so bad. I wish he had just been honest - I would have been devastated, but better that than be lied to. Any advice would be appreciated on how to fully get over this - been 3 and a half weeks now so I am getting there. What hurts is how he tossed away 10 years aside of pure love and devotion from me to have....what? I am trying to think that his mum dying flicked a switch that made him look at me and see how close I was to her and how badly he didn't want to be reminded of what had happened. This other girl was not involved at all. Any advice or words would be gladly welcomed at this time.