Schnibley

Thank you for your messages. I am going to try to go to group meetings. Now that the flood gates are opened, I recognize that I need support. Life doesn't stop handing out lemons just because I decided not to drink the lemonade. My grief has begun to snowball with other losses I've pushed down. I miss Eddie so much. Eddie was adopted and tomorrow is my birth daughter's birthday. He always comforted me and reassured me that I made a loving choice when I placed her. My intellect is much healthier than my emotional being. I need him now and he's not here. I need to discover new ways of mourning. My oldest brother called today to tell me he has prostate cancer. I guess as long as I am a member of the humanrace, I will experience sadness and loss. My intellect says to be thankful that we have begun to mend our relationship now before it's too late. My heart screams out for this to stop. I just have to believe that things will get better.

Thank you for all of your messages. I am taking the suggestions to heart. Another friend, Dave S., also brought up something I need to weigh. Eddie was a bit delusional at the end. Was this information real or not? I have tried to look into the situation. I couldn't find anything in the small town newpaper, but that just led me to question if anyone had ever found out. I think at this point, I need to look at my own grief and become healthier before pursuing this topic. I've been shut down for four years...an ice princess/robot just as I was raised to be...and now it's time to deal with the loss. Maybe later I can look at this again. Thanks again for your input. I forgot what it was like to not be alone.

Hospice was like an angel for us. But I was so stupid. Four years ago Eddie died. He left me. The last four years I must have been in a state of stupidity. Just now, for some reason, the grief is "Kicking In." I wish I would have taken advantage of the counseling offered. Four years have passed & I have lost my house, my pets, my job, my health has sucks, and now I'm beginning to feel. The saddness is deafening. Who am I? Why does nothing excite me? I can't believe how stupid I've been to think I was doing well just because I kept working and didn't end my life during these last four years. I now realize how deeply depressed I truly was. But it's too late now. Everything is gone and I have nothing left to rebuild on. Why did he leave me?

When Eddie was almost gone, I told him I loved him more than anything. I also told him I was sorry for not giving him a happier life while here. He told me that he didn't deserve to be happy. He continued to tell me about something he did before he married me. After that everything fell into place. Although he had been sober for the last 18 years, he had an underlying anger and saddness all these years. But I wasn't prepared for what he told me. At first I was thankful that he released this guilt and let go. Four years later, now, I am haunted by his secret. What do I do? I think about the other people involved, specifically the victim. Should I try to find out something? Eddie was drunk. He wasn't driving (I assume). It was an accident, although a drunk driving one. But there is a family missing their son out there. I don't know if they ever knew what happened to their son or if they had closure but have questions about why. I loved my husband. He wasn't the same person after he became sober. He did so much good for people in those last 18 years. He suffered so much at the hands of his family. He was my best friend, my other half. I think of his secret often. But pursuing this secret....is it to feel close to him and give him life in my mind? Or is it for the family of the victim? I pray for all involved. Any suggestions?

When my father died I was 4 years old. I remember how the aura or color of the home changed from golden to dark and unlit. Everyone reacted differently. Mom buckled down, became logical, left me through her career. My sister flew away as a stewardess and submerged herself in scripture. Brother #1 ran to the Marines and volunteered for Vietnam. Brother #2 withdrew into his own world of music. Brother #3 climbed into a car engine and never came back except for the occassional angry outbursts. Brother #4 became a perfect, all-american, basketball playing robot. I remember asking myself "Where did everyone go?" Sick, perverted people saw opportunity. Years later, I placed my daughter for adoption. Everyone took the same paths. And I found myself alone and being drawn to the same hurtful relationships. 4 years ago my husband died. He was everything to me. I was on auto-pilot. Everyone couldn't wait to leave me. I began the same journey into being the victim of animals. But I stopped. I realized that just becasue I was pre-conditioned or programmed to respond to loss and grief in a certain way, I didn't have to do it. I also found forgiveness for my family. They are using the only skills they have known to deal with their own loss and grief. It's scary not having a "script" to follow, but I know I can learn new ways of grieving without hurting myself. Until we learn new skills, humans returnto what they know.