DeAnneD

Hugs Mary!!!!

So today was a good day. I got up early and walked and felt better. Although, I am finding that I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. This one day happy, and then a giant wave of sad, is making the little bit of happy seems...doomed.

Charles worked for a national shoe company as a buisness analysis and he loved when I would say I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He would answer with something stupid like "What shoes? Umberto Raffinis?, Danskos?, Eccos?" "Was it the left one or the right one?" Things like that..he was a funny guy, but a dork at times. : >)

While I am not an expert, I would tell you these ladies know what they are talking about. In addition, I would like to give you kudos for loving enough to find this group and find help and advice. Thank you for being a supportive man.

Yes, it happens to me also and has since day 1. I call them ambushes or waves of grief or even tsunamis of grief. I heard that grief is like standing on a beach with your back to the water. You know a wave is coming. You do not know when. You do not know how big or small but it does come... Those tears are healing you, let them flow. Peace, Mary

Yes, this is a perfect explaination.

Thank you Mary. It just starts out of nowhere and you never know when and where it will hit you.

It must be in the air...I had such a rough day yesterday. Sat in my therapist office and sobbed. Hugs to you, I hope tomorrow is better. Do not forget to breath.

DeAnne

Mary,

I love this...Strange things have happened everytime I have lost someone. This last time I felt so loved when it felt Charles was still around. It has stopped though, which made me sad again.

The day is over. I spent a lot of time going through photos last evening. Woke up this morning with my flu/bug/cold whatever it is starting over again...feeling crappy all over again. Frustrating. Since Bill died, I get sick repeatedly. Hence my upcoming year off...this weekend instead of going to the art fair...I am going to lay low, maybe paint. Thanks for all your posts of support around this year's wedding anniversary. Not sure why it was harder than last but maybe being sick did not help. Will respond to posts later.

Peace to all, Mary

I sure hope you are feeling better today.

Writing is the big one. I talk to Charles a lot too...sometimes kinda mean, sometimes in tears. Writing seems to be a different skill set and helps in a different way, perhaps it makes you have to look back and actually think about what you want to say. (My journaling has changed in four months). He has also encouraged me to meditate (thinking about how my life will look in the future and the positives that I can see.) I think the idea, for me, is to discuss with someone, who is educated in the process, that can tell me what to expect in the future and that I am normal Today, i just set and cried in his office, and then felt guilt because I have this self-impossed timeline of when I should be better. He told me, again, there is not time frame and that I need to remember to be gentle with myself. He is also encouraging me to join an actually grief group and make some social contacts and get out of my house.

As for as reading, I have not really read anything except things online. I will tell you, however, last night (right before I melted down) I actually laughed so hard my sides hurt. That was the first time I think I have done that since Feb. Sadly, the thing I was laughing about made me think, "OMG... HAHAHAHA, I have to share this with Charles." 2 seconds later I remembered he was gone, 3 seconds after that I was a sobbing mess. Okay, forgetting the last part of that story...I laughed so hard I could have snorted soda out of my nose and it felt strange but really good. I hope some of this helps give you some more hope.

DeAnne

I think it might get easier, but you (and I) are still in that very new place. It has been 4 months for me and I am finding that I am having a a few more good moments than I did even a month ago. It still takes very little to get me from happish to a weeping, sobbing mess. I watched a silly video last night and immediately though - "OMG..I need to show this to Charles", 2 seconds later I remembered he was gone, 3 seconds later I was sobbing. I have experienced a lot of death in my family, and I will tell you...each one is different and handled differently. What you are experiencing is probably what you would experience no matter what.

What does help me is I journal, and write letters to him. Sometimes I am mad at him, sometimes I tell him how much I miss his snuggles and silliness, but I tell him about it in writing. I am also in therapy(my therapist is amazing, and I do credit him with getting me through the first couple of months without me having a couplete meltdown). I think this forum helps and knowing people that have gone through, or are going through, the same thing help. I started thinking I was truly losing my mind and then found out it was a normal part of the process. I think my next step is getting back out and into a bereavementnt group in my area of Phoenix.

I heard a saying in a movie not to long ago and though...that is how I feel. Upon discussing the death of his wife the character says, " If I could just talk to her about how to get over her." I yelled at the TV...YES! THAT! My sweet man was my best friend, and right now although I miss everything that goes with a relationship...I miss my best friend and being able to talk to him about "stuff".

I hope you find peace today, and then again tomorrow, and again the next day, etc...

DeAnne

I am a teacher and have some time off during the summer, which I am finding is not really a great thing this year. I have been in a training class since monday and felt so much better all week, today I am off and am overwhelmed with sadness and just...emptiness. Ugh, makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep the weekend. I am glad I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. Just venting.

Mary,

I am so sorry you are having a hard day. Animals are so loving and I am so glad you have a dog to help you through your sadness. Hugs to you my sweet new friend. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and that you can feel all our hugs and positive thoughts coming through the posts. Peace to you.

DeAnne

Hi Jan,

I understand this. It has been 4 months since my darling died and I sometimes think there is no reason for me to "be". I get up and go through my daily routine - putting one foot in front of the other. Knowing I should probably take a shower (although even this has been a little hard to have the energy to do). Brushing my teeth is also probably a good idea too. Eating, feeding the dog...all these things have no meaning. I do, however, believe the emptiness and pointlessness is a normal process. I also think that doing those routine tasks, even if you have to really think about the whole process, leads to life getting easier and easier. I hope that is true, because I am with you on this. I seemed to have lost so much energy for life.

This is very touching and beautiful; A wonderful tradition. Let those we love, that have gone before us, never be forgotten.

DeAnne

Sometime people are so insensitive, especially the ones that are supposedly our biggest support systems.

I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for helping people like me with your wisedom.

I am so sorry for your loses.

I am happy to see men here talking about these terrible tragic times. I think it takes a while to find someone else to have any kind of relationship with where you don't compare to your longtime love. They can never ever be replaced, and trying too early, I would imagine, would be an impossible task not to compare. For me, I just want people I can go hang out and do fun things with. I joined a meetup group for photography (there seems to be a millon different ones all over the country)and that helps a little.

DeAnne

Hi Zeeks,

I am so sorry for your loss. A fog is a good description not completly aware of what is going on. I went to a counselor 4 days after Charles died. In looking back, this might have been the one best thing for me. I don't know about all of you, but I just hate burdening my friends. I know they are there, but how long can you cry on their shoulders before they are ready to move on without you. I find a counselor is always there, always ready to help.

I am actually relieved to hear you all do this okay/sobbing/okay thing. I thought I was alone.

Peace and huggles to you all.

DeAnne

Hi everyone,

My beloved significant other, Charles, died from colon cancer on Feb 19th of this year. While I was married for many years, it was not until I met him three years ago that I felt truly loved and accepted. Due to work circumstances, we wound up living in different states, which has it's own set of horrible issues when someone is gravely sick. I had lost both my father, when I was 13 and my mother, when I was 33, both to forms of cancer, so I am not a stranger to grief. But this death was something completely different for me...he was the soulmate that at 50, I had finally found. It was like a sick joke when he was diagnosed in Oct. I look back and think I never realized, or realized really late that he was dying, because without me there, he could shelter me and protect me and gave me only good reports (I was willing to believe them, of course). The truth was not something I wanted to hear.

I guess my concern today is that I can be fine; busy teaching, or taking photos, or...whatever, and okay and something happens and I feel overwhelmingly sad and just want to cry and go to bed for a few days. It happened tonight on my way home from seeing a movie, I just started crying. Is this normal, this drastic change in my mood?

I am glad I found this place. It feels like a place of acceptance and knowledge from people who, tragically, are in the same place as I am. So tell me, is it natural to have these emotions come from know where and hit me like a ton of bricks?

I think talking to people who have been in this place is much better. I love all my friends, but they can not understand what I have been through and I am sure they get tired of my grief (even if they say they don't). I am a teacher and was so busy until late May, now I am finding myself with too much time on my hand. I think working or being productive also helps a lot. I planted a patio container garden, which is something thing Charles had talked about us doing this summer. I try to stay busy. I worry, however, that I am just pushing my grief under. Sheryl, do you do something as a hobby? I am a photographer and found that while I am just going through the motions of normal, it is becoming more normal.

I think this is very normal. My darling man passed away in Feb. and I am doing the very same thing. It is actually a relief to know other people do this. I wish I had earlier voice mails, before he got so sick and sounded sick. I have forgotten what he sounded like when he was strong. Peace to you.

Hi Sheryl,

My beloved man passed away on Feb. 19th, so I am just shy of 4 months. I understand the guilt, and grief which comes with the choices and decisions that you had to make. It is all still so raw, isn't it? I think the best advice I have gotten is be kind to yourself. Time is the healer and it seems to play games sometimes. I feel better and then I feel horrible. I still find myself expecting to see him come through the door - as it sounds like you do as well. I am certainly not a therapist, but I think all the things you are feeling are normal and natural and part of the grief process. It is hard, however, to know this unless you have been through it before...and who wants to go through that.

Peace to your heart,

DeAnne