Morganrothmommy

I need to write...I am feeling so alone. Calling a friend, talking to my husband, playing with my cats, going for counseling, all have been tried. Breathing deeply, walking in nature, gardening, cleaning, singing, screaming, helping others, etc. -- nothing is bringing me relief right now. The grief I am feeling has to be acknowledged. It feels like it is changing, again, to something, again, I never could have imagined. Missing my mother, after 13 months of her passing, has me living in a new reality that I just don't like. That's the truth. There is no relief. Nowhere to run -- and nowhere to hide.

I have been working extra hard to behave well towards my husband, father, family and friends. I keep my real truth to myself anymore. There is no reason to release it to anyone, as I don't feel better afterwards, as the opinions that are felt by those to whom the truth is told, creates stigmas that I'd rather not have to be viewed through. What does feel better, at least to those around me, is that I have been remaining as calm as possible, with a positive attitude, to diffuse others' upsets (either upset with me, or, whatever...). It's like, verbally, I am the voice of reason.

Inside -- my true feelings are very aware that I am not receiving much of this "unconditional love" that I am trying so hard to give. I am giving out as much love as I can for different reasons. Mostly, because I feel that that's what I am here to do in my life (to diffuse angry energy and to infuse loving energy into the world). And, if it's true you get what you give, then I guess I am not willing to take any chances (even though this mantra doesn't quite show-up in life as "fair" - seemingly).

I used to have more love to give, as my mother was there to listen and to know the real me, and her words always refreshed and enlightened me, and filled me back up. It was wonderful to feel understood and truly loved through anything -- even when she was talking some sense into me.

I hate to whine -- but -- I just need to write-out my grief. What I feel inside is so different than what I show, as positive people are much more uplifting to be around. Every minute that goes by is another minute that feels so lonely and distant, and different from anything I knew.

I miss my mom so much -- it hurts!

OMG! I could have written this! This is EXACTLY me, and how I am feeling. I'm feeling so lost and disconnected. I just lost my mom on July 7th, 2012. So it's still fresh and hurts more than anything right now. My emotions have been getting the best of me lately. I've snapped at my husband on multiple occasions, I don't want my husband touching me. I go hot to cold with my husband and my two children. (2 months old and 23 months old). I go from wanting to love on them, and never let them go, overfilled with saddness, to so annoying because everyone needs me, wants to be on me, etc.....

Like you, my mother is the ONLY one that I could talk to about EVERYTHING, without judgement, and she never brought things up again. She was the only one that loved me unconditionally, and would be there for me in an instant. she is the only one that got me, entirely. Knew what I was going to say before I said it, knew when I needed her, before I knew I needed her. I just feel so lost without her. I miss talking to her everyday, and I miss our adventures. I miss her loving on her grandbabies. I just miss her so SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!