My Xena was 15 yrs old when I had to put her to sleep yesterday. She was my BabyBear. She has been the light in my life and I cannot begin to tell you how profound of a sorrow I feel in my heart. She was maybe 4 weeks old when I found her. She had blue eyes and the spirit of a fighter. I was just going through my divorce and she rescued me. For 15 years, she would look into my eyes and kiss my heart. She was always there with me. She was a great traveler and loved to play. She especially loved to drink from my water glass, eat cantalope and sleep belly up in the sun. On her last day, she gave me one last kiss in the morning.
She went through a lot in her short life. She ate a dryer sheet and had emergency surgery. She made it through a serious ear canal removal surgery, multiple ear infections that seemed to never end but the one thing she couldn't fight was heart failure. Her heart grew and eventually, water started collecting. I took her to her vet who removed the water but told me that she was on the countdown now. Not two weeks later, last Sat eve, she started panting hard again, breathing through her mouth whenever she moved. She looked at me and I knew. It was time for me to make that decision. She was tired. I never left her side and Monday morning, when her vet opened, I took her in. I just couldn't let her go through any more pain or suffering no matter how much I wanted her to stay with me.
When I took her in, I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and a towel that had my scent on it. I laid her on the table and when the doctor gave her the drug to make her sleep (before the one that stopped her heart), she got sleepy but then stood and fought it, as if to show me she was still that fighter just one more time. I looked into her eyes and told her I will love her forever and I was here for her. I said I was sorry for putting her through this and after she passed away, I cried like a baby. She was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy three years ago last July so I knew this was coming. And every birthday of hers, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, I wondered if this was the last one. I know I had more time than most get and God knows, I thank Him for every minute but I just didn't know the amount of pain I would feel. No matter how much I tried to prepare, nothing could prepare me for this.
I shake. I cry. I'm so sad that my heart hurts and I feel broken. Down to my soul, I hurt. I just can't stop randomly crying or thinking about her. I know it was the right decision but she's gone and I'm struggling to work through that. I don't know what to do. She's gone. I don't know what others have done or how they have made it through each day. I didn't want to go to sleep last night because that meant yesterday was over, the last day I saw her and got to look into her eyes. Please help me -- tell me how to get through this, how to stop crying, how to accept that she's gone. I know one day she and I will be together again, but until then, how do I accept she's gone, that I will never be able to pick her up again and hug her, that I will never kiss her nose again or hear her purr.
