My grandfather is currently in hospice care at home with terminal illness. My grandmother is by his side and she is who I am communicating with as he is in and out of sleep due the pain killer meds. He is still coherent, though cannot hear well enough to talk on the phone. I know his time left is short. Waiting to hear back from his doctor for an estimate. My grandma is not able to articulate this in her own sorrow. But he hasn't been eating and I know it's not long. I'm a grown woman (late 30s) living in Canada, my grandparents live in Nevada. I am prepared to drive or fly down to see my sweet Grandpa for the last time to say goodbye. Where my terrible conflict lies is that even though I have asked several times, she keeps telling me not to come. Each time we've discussed she has given me different reasons why. The most recent one being that grandpa doesn't want me (or my mom) to see him in his deteriorating condition. Pride. The ego of a man. She goes on to say that I should respect his dying wishes. She has also told me there will be no funeral. Perhaps a memorial at a later date. Essentially, I feel like I am being completely denied the right to say goodbye and to grieve with my family even before he has died.
There is some on and off estrangement to various degrees in my family,stemming from my mother's difficult relationship with them,particularly her mom (my grandma) which has created a trickle-down affecting me seemingly just by association to my mother. I am trying to remain "sovereign" during this emotionally heart wrenching period, as I abhor the family politics, though it already seems to have driven a new wedge between my mother and me as she is unable to provide the kind of emotional support I need, more like emotional manipulation. She has already declared to be fine with however the events unfold. That's fine for her, but this is not how I feel.
Regardless of the family politics, my grandpa and I have always had that special loving grandaughter/grandfather bond. Deep in my heart I cannot be convinced my grandpa wouldn't want to see me. And that it wouldn't make him happy for me to be by his side, acknowledge the fact that he's ready to go, tell him I love him and thank him for being a wonderful grandpa. Even if for just a few minutes. I can't help but wonder if he really does want to see me one last time to say goodbye and that my grandma is only keeping me away for her own selfish reasons. I couldn't bear living with this notion for the rest of my life. At the same time, if what my grandma says is true and that it is his wish for no family to be around, then I feel I have to honour that. I am so torn and have been crying and weeping over this for the last two days
If I were to go visit now, I am prepared to consider the worst case scenario in that I would just be able to see him and tell him these things for just a few minutes. And then have to turn around and come back to Canada right a way, as it has been indicated my support is not needed or wanted once he has passed. My grandmother will depend on her younger sister's help in the days to come. Which I am grateful for of course.
Any words of advice? Should I just go to say goodbye? Do I have that right?