mikethemod1992

Thanks for the encouragement, everybody. I hope you all have a safe Christmas

Excuse me if this post is a bit rambly, but I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts. I know that the holidays are supposed to be a time when everybody's happy and with their family, and I wish happiness for these people. However, I really can't seem to find any degree of happiness in my life, and especially during the holiday season. My father died two days after my 14th birthday in 2006, due to complications from leukemia I am going to be 21 in two months from tomorrow. My biggest regret is going upstairs to play with my friend rather than sitting with him longer that night. The loss of my father is something that always stays with me, and it's definitely formed my views of the world, but it's not often something that's debilitating. I went out for about 20 minutes today to pick up something at a local store with a christmas tree lot in the front. I saw a younger couple with a 3 or 4 year old kid going around through the trees. It was like a stereotypical christmas commercial, with the kid between the parents holding both of their hands. I remember thinking to myself how nice it was. As soon as I got home and sat on my bed, I started sobbing uncontrollably, with no warning or any previous indicators of sadness. There's just this overwhelming feeling of guilt I have, like "what could I have done differently" or what I did wrong that could have this happen to my father. I know everybody says that "they wouldn't want you to dwell on it" or "well you just have to make new memories", but I'm terrified that I will forget the old memories. Remember the last scene from "a christmas story" where Ralphie's Dad and Mom are sitting in the dark looking at the lit up christmas tree when it's snowing outside? My father and I used to do that exact same thing when I was growing up, and it's one of those memories that I dont want to forget, or let another memory take precedence over. I almost feel guilty for trying to move on with my life. And I have thus far been unsuccessful. I've had many people tell me that I "hide in my work" or try to hide from my life, but I feel very uncomfortable confronting it, I suppose. I feel very guilty for feeling bad or discussing my problems, because I know many people have it much worse, and I dont want to bother anybody. Frankly, there's nothing more I'd like this christmas than to spend the day with my father, even if I could never see him again. I rarely ask anybody for anything, and I don't think that this is too much to ask for, regardless of how unrealistic of a wish it is. I really just feel like i've let my father and grandfather down somehow, and it just kills me inside. Anyway, I'm sorry if this is whiny, I'm sure plenty of people here have experienced much worse. Have a good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. -Michael