Sorry for the length, but...
I lost my father in 2002. It was an unexpected death. I mourned some at the time, but mostly I pushed it down - diving into whatever distractions possible...my mom, details, arrangements, whatever I could. He was my rock and main branch of support in a lot of ways....we were always very close.
After a while, I still felt the same as the day it happened. I was numb, became unable to trust, had a diminished sense of self, felt empty, etc., etc. And I shouldn't use past tense - I'm still there.
My husband begged me for years to go to counseling...told me I wasn't emotionally "in" the marriage, didn't communicate with him, etc. He wss the primary object of my mistrust in others and I had no reason not to trust him. For years, he was loving, supportive, etc. About 5 years ago I could tell he was getting fed up with my distance, but I couldn't force myself to change one thing. And then a little over a year ago, I found out he had been having an affair. And although I absolutely do not accept blame for his decision, I know I have to own my contribution to the deterioration of the marriage - especially with his having been there begging for something, anything from me for so long.
We have been trying to work things out since, and he has done I think everything he could to re-commit, etc to me, but I am still to this day unable to shake ky avoidance and trust and numbness issues that started so much longer ago. The recent problems were his end of the rope and my wake up call.
I know I need to let this go for myself so I can be happy in this marriage or not (ideally and hopefully, though, I do want the marriage to work). I need some guidance...I did go to counseling for a fee months but got title from it. I want to live in and focus on NOW - not 10 years ago.
I really need to know specifically what I can do to being myself out of this pit and become capable again of joy and hope. Anyone with tangible, do-able things for me to do? Something that will show some (any) results quickly. I don't want my decade old loss to have driven me to another (divorce) and I want to be happy in general.
