ShanN

Home very late. I admittedly stayed with Leo all day. He was in and out of it, but did not want me to go. So I stayed until 10 tonight. I perhaps am just trying to soak in those times when he actually wants me with him nd is not agitated or too confused. I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm pretty much getting to be a train wreck with flashbacks of my Mom's death.

Going to lay down and listen to some quiet music. And pray. And when I mean pray... I mean talk to my Mom. I just wish I knew if she could ever hear me...

Grrrr. The sleep fairy apparently got stuck somewhere in traffic, because she did not show up in this household! Am up for the day wiped out. Will be going to sit with hubby in a few hours. For now, I think a hot bath is in order for these aching muscles. Some tea. And a good movie.

Perhaps the sleep fairy will find her way here later when I get home.

Thank you Kay

I know I cannot fix... But my heart just has a hard time accepting that.

I spent the day with Leo. (The day, meaning about 4hrs this afternoon) They are not certain why he had a seizure last night. He does have that in his history though neurologically. Just he hasn't had one in a while. He developed a high temp of 102 this morning, and lots of loose stools. They are treating him with Levaquin, and with Flagyl. Along with Tylenol for the temp. A stool culture was ordered. A chest x-ray was ordered. It appears he does not have pneumonia again, thank God. But the verdict is still out on the stool sample. But they are treating for C Diff. And any other infection that may be going on. Will hopefully know more in the morning.

Exhausted and showered and going to watch a movie take meds and lay down.

Oh the Dr got back to me about MY bloodwork. My thyroid is sluggish again so my Synthroid is being raised to 125mcg. And my hemoglobin is severely low. To the point he has referred me to a hemotologist and will be getting transfusions. Really??!! Anything else?!?! Good grief!

But that does explain why I am so tired, getting sick a lot, my dizziness and falling, and my rapid heart rate and chest pain. There are not adequate red blood cells that carry oxygen, in my body to get it to all areas.

Good night friends.

*Mary... My thoughts prayers and heart are with you during these anniversary days ahead for you*

Prayers and love to everyone.

Awwwwww

Night Mary.

Tears still falling here. But getting sleepy.

I just got a call from Leo's night nurse. He had a seizure about an hour ago. He is sedated. And sleeping. I panicked and said I will be there. But she calmed me down and said he is ok. He is medicated and sleeping. It's snowing and icy anyway.

Is this an awful thing to think... It runs very quickly through my mind "please Lord just take him" but it quickly oes away. I just feel orrible thinking it.

Thank you so much ladies.

You warm my heart.

I'm off to bed now as I'm feeling very achy and cold. Snow and ice tonight.

Thank you ladies.

I didn't type his earlier because it is too hard. But he is in a "giving up almost childlike" mode. And THAT utterly breaks my heart.

Yes I have my therapist, my SIL and BIL.

My body is aching so bad tonight.

I stayed only an hour today. Yet I feel so guilty. He's having the worst day by far.

But, honestly so am I.

On top of my husband being in a nursing home and all that entails, the anniversary of my Mom's murder is quickly approaching.

Honestly, I'm just sobbing tonight. I couldn't save her. I wanted to so badly. Even though Leo is suffering... But not gone as my step father took away my Mom... I still cannot "fix" him. And I feel so lost. And I literally ache for my Mama's calming voice, warm embrace, and guidance that that monster robbed me of for almost 24 yrs.

I'm just crying. Alone. It's immensely hard. It hurts so bad.

I know most here have losses very recent so I feel "silly" complaining about 24 yrs. But I need her, I love her, and I miss her so much it aches.

I feel her spirit, if I didn't, I wouldn't have the strength I do possess. That strength is so very thin right now though.

Oh my heart.

My love is having an awfully bad day all together. His cognition, his speech, his movements, his memory is very confused. His agitation is off the wall. To the point I left t 2:30 this afternoon after 4hrs with him.

So I'm really having a very difficult time now.

I really really want my Mother back. She would take this pain and make it lighter.

Oh Mary, I'm so very sorry for this loss. But humbled by the immense support you have for your friend and others.

Our "fur babies" ARE indeed our children. I had a beloved princess kitty, Silver, who I thought I was prepared to set free but quite honestly nothing prepares you for that grief.

(((((Big hugs))))) to you and your friend.

This is unbelievable but I literally slept from about midnight last night until 3:30 this afernoon!! I just visited Leo for just about 30mins is all... And am back home still exhausted. But I need to stay up a while and fight sleeping a bit to get good fluids in me for the bladder infection.

One day at a time.

(Yes, that's a smile above!)

Thanks Mary darlin...

You are in my thoughts!

My darling is settled into a fantastic nursing facility this evening. It's just 5 minutes from me. 5 mins from the hospital. So tonight, while it very much pains me that he is not with and may ever come home... I'm more relaxed than I have ever been (or maybe let myself be). I'm exhausted. So turning in.

Ps... I'm reading Tom Clancy books to him. His fave.

Don't know why the pics of Leo are upside down. Grrrr

I am with him. Will update on things tonight.

Kay,

I'm so sorry your fur baby is having difficulties.

((((Hugs))))

Kay,

Yes, the discharge coordinator and his case manager are working with his Dr for referrals to the best placement. Of course I'm going there to "investigate" but I trust our Dr's help. Unfortunately the best one so far is about 40mins from home. But if that needs to happen, so be it. I won't settle for anything less than the best. And I'm praying in time, he will be able to come home... With much outside help of course. But that may never be best. I'm trying not to think that far ahead and just one day at a time.

I am not asleep yet but am going to put some music on and try again.

God bless you.

I feel so blessed to have everyone's support. Love and hugs.

Thank you Fae

It's so difficult not having my husband beside me t night. And not having my Mom to call upon. The two most important people in my life ever. I thank God for 15 yrs I had her. And I thank God for every moment with Leo... Until his last breath.

Drinking green tea, and lots of water for the bladder infection.

Gnight xo

Fae,

Thank you for thinking of me.

It's past midnight here. I'm really struggling. I really need Leo. He's just not there... I mean not physically and when I'm there with him, he's sadly "not there" cognitively or emotionally. I'm trying to accept what I cannot change.

My heart is so heavy. Not only because of him. But because I'm being bombarded with the anniversary of my Mom's murder in 11 dys.

And really, I'm still finding it almost impossible to iterate all I'm feeling.

Crying a lot right now. I see my therapist tomorrow.

It hasn't been determined where Leo will be going as far as a nursing facility. He needs to be in the hospital right now. One day at a time.

Hi Mary,

I get email whenever someone posts so I actually am looking back and reading everyone's heart felt words.

I'm off to sleep right now I think.

Oh ladies, you are so wise beyond my almost 40 years. (And I don't mean old)

I need to re-read all your words. I'm just that overwhelmed right now, it's hard to take things in.

Part of my guilt feelings and failing him feelings stems from not being able to save my Mom, my unborn child, my Nana, and my uncle, and my whole life I've cared for them and everyone in my life... As far back as I can recall age 2.

Yes, I do have a bladder infection and sinus infection. Am on cipro and bactrim DS. Which is totally wiping me out. Drinking water, cranberry juice and tea.

Home resting a lot today.

You all are amazing to me... ((((Hugs)))) love and peace to you all.

1am and I'm feeling so sick with a bladder infection, and sinus infection. And totally exhausted from yet another day with more health crises for Leo. And just laying here trying to grasp onto reality and that I need to make arrangements for him to be cared for in a nursing facility which will end up being permanent. I mean how do I do that? How do I relinquish caregiving over to strangers? I feel like I'm failing him, I feel so guilty, my heart is so torn and hurt, the tears won't stop tonight... I finally did get him to listen to me tonight earlier and though he cannot get what he wants to say out in words... I knew what he wanted... he wanted me to stay when i said i was leaving, so I indeed stayed and got him settled and sleeping. But now I'm home crying alone overwhelmed.

And in 20 dys it will be the anniversary of my Mom's brutal murder when I was 15. I SO need her right now. More than I've needed her in the 24 yrs she's been gone.

Lord, please keep your loving hand on my darling hubby as he sleeps. And please let my Mama be near to me with her loving hand. AMEN.

I want to thank all of you for listening and bei g here with so many heart felt supportive words. They all mean the world to me.

Babben,

I'm so sorry you're missing your dear Mommy. I wish you peace, comfort, and strength. It's so hard missing our Mommy's.

((((Gentle hugs))))