SunShine3

This is going to be the first Father's Day without my dad here, and it's becoming more difficult as it approaches. I'm not sure what to do with myself this Sunday, I feel that I need to celebrate even though he's not alive. But I don't know how to do this, I can't celebrate or enjoy this holiday as ones around me or as I once did. It's becoming more straining on me as I see the advertisements and as friends and family are preparing. I'm left out, I stand alone around others and their parents and seem oddly misplaced among them. Is it okay that I still celebrate, and how should I? I guess this is just another first experience with this new life, without my father. I love you Dad, and happy early Father's Day! I miss you..

Dad I don’t know your father, or what kind of man he is But my dad, he was a one of a kind A man who exhibited numerous sides But this is what made my dad who he was A father who brought delight and smirks But was there when you shed a tear Worked like no other, whenever But always brought himself in times of distress My dad no longer appears as where you can see But appears to the ones who know where to look Dad you’re not here with me anymore, where others now stand But nobody can replace you dad, nor be just like you No more can I be with you But I know you are with me, and you'll always will be in my heart

Everything reminds me of my dad, there is no escaping the pain. I don’t want anyone to worry about me yet how does nobody notice I’m barely hanging on. I find that I cry myself to sleep and wake up balling my eyes out having to return to reality. I dream of the accident that took my father, the blood, the smell, and the sight of my dad weak. Seems like there is no escape anywhere at this point. I miss happiness, the moments where everything appears to be perfect. The laughter that once took over my soul, now rarely seems to come alive. I have friends and family to support me but for some reason I feel alone. My dad was the one I went to in difficult times, so who do I go to now that he’s gone? I really hope that things get better, because I’m tired of all of this. I love you dad!

People say take it day by day, but yet I believe that should be rephrased to minute by minute. People continue their lives but yet you sit there wondering how they just move on and deal with it. People act like nothing has happened, and that it’s over with, but it’s not. Do people just forget and move on? I think about my dad every second of my life, just wishing I could go back and stop everything from happening. I’m only sixteen, how do people expect me to move on and be the same person after losing my only present parent? The closest person to me, the person I leaned on. My life has fallen apart but I can’t just move on, it’s not that simple. I want to go home to my dad, and just give him a huge hug and cry on his shoulder, but I can’t. I love you dad, I just wish we could be home together again.

It will be three months from when my father passed next week, seems like forever, yet the time had flown at the same time. My life has been turned upside down and there is no common denominator to what it once was. My dad and I were best friends; we leaned on one another through everything. It was a late Friday night when I heard the loudest sound in my life, my older cousin scream to call 911. I ran down stairs to evaluate the situation and found my dad face down on the stone floor unresponsive. He was breathing like a fish out of what, which is a very disturbing sound. I proceeded to call the paramedics, and tried to explain to them my father had fallen over the banister on the stair case. My dad did come to, and kept trying to get up and telling us that the floor was uncomfortable. Then he was wondering were I was, he wanted to talk to me. He rolled over on his back and I held his hand, while his face was covered in blood, I just talked to him. He told me he will always be with me, and look at how far we have gotten. I told him I loved him and he replied “I love you too!” but then I said I love you more. He looked at me and smiled and said “How cute.” That’s an image I can’t get out of my mind, from the flashbacks to the nightmares. When the paramedics arrived I walked on the back deck I found an empty bottle of Jack Daniels, he had consumed it all in less the two hours. I was running on pure adrenaline, I don’t think I had ever beaten that fast before. When they arrived he stopped talking, I was the last person to have a conversation with my dad. They flew my father two hours away, it was around one in the morning when my grandmother and uncle and I arrived. It was the longest walk to the ICU, I just felt as if I knew what was to come and I didn’t want to face it. My father had broken his jaw and fractured his face, and had major brain damage. He was brain dead, at age 47. I was heartbroken, and just in disbelief. He was the strongest man I knew how could he be so weak now. He was on life support for four days and then we removed life support and he kept breathing for five days. I always think how easily it could’ve been prevented it from not drinking the whole bottle. Why did you drink it all dad? I love you dad!