candy0823

Hi all, sorry for my delayed response. Totally understand what you all are saying about not moving until there is a commitment/you know you are wanted. I see what the ladies are saying about Plum's decision to send the book, but I don't think it's that bad. I think it shows you care about him and are thinking about him. It sounds like he is pushing you away not because you are you, but because of what he is going through. I wouldn't be on standby waiting for him to call, but I don't think it's a bad idea to let him know you care too (in small, sporadic ways). So I guess the reason why I brought up moving in the first place is because prior to my partner's mother's death, I had plans to move back to New York and live with him (I am currently in Washington, DC for work). I am now scared to do this--from what everyone on here is saying, I'm scared that he won't be able to handle yet another change and all the emotions involved with it. I am scared that he needs space and that me moving in is overwhelming. I have not asked him if he feels any differently about this--as far as I know, we are proceeding on me moving back once I get a new job. Anyone have advice for how to handle this?

Agree. and I guess the time it takes people to move on and be able to handle a healthy life again varies. I also read somewhere in this forum that people can resent their partners because they feel guilty for spending time with them instead of their now-dead parent. I believe this is absolutely the case with my partner. It reminds me of Plum's situation--about a year ago, when his mother was first diagnosed, he talked about moving back there indefinitely. I tried to be supportive but I think I basically discouraged him. I was honest and said I wasn't sure if our relationship could survive that. I believe he resents me not only for saying that, but because he didn't leave and didn't spend that year with his mother. I don't regret saying it because I was honest and being realistic, and ultimately it was his decision anyway. But it's horrible to think that what if he blames me for that forever? When he gets back to New York I am going to strongly encourage counseling for him. I think that is an essential part of this process--for all of us.

Hello all- I came across this forum just today and it is exactly what I need right now. Plum, I've read your entire story and am so sorry for what you are going through. My partner lost his mother two weeks ago after a year long battle with brain cancer. He moved back to California for 2 months (from New York) to care for her in her final days. This entire year--not even just the past few weeks--have been extremely difficult. I am still with my partner but it has not been easy. He exhibits many of the same signs others have talked about--withdrawing from you but totally fine with other people (friends, family co-workers, etc.). I spent the last week iN California with him and was there for the funeral, etc., and all I can say is that I have never felt as completely ALONE in my life as I did last week. Even though I was there for him in the saddest, darkest of moments--from holding him as he sobbed over his mother's dead body to wiping his tears as he viewed the video of his mother at the after-funeral reception--he shut me out emotionally and has been that way ever since. I am terrified of what is to come-will he break up with me as many of your boyfriends did? Will I feel forced to break up with him? A part of me feels so guilty that I am making this about myself at all (and letting him know this too), but another part of me feels that I have to maintain my dignity and expectations of how I should be treated. Today I thought about the need to let some things go, lower my expectations (temporarily), and realize that this is the hardest thing he has ever experienced in his life, so the side effects I feel from it are nothing in comparison. Plum- I thought a lot about how you broke up with your boyfriend when he moved to be with his family--that, I think is at the root of your problem. Have you guys directly and comprehensively discussed that? If this is the person for you, have you thought about moving there? I feel like that would be the ultimate act of devotion. It shows that you are willing to take that risk because he is the one for you. I'm not sure how you are feeling now or if even thinking about something like that feels right to you. Anyway, thanks ladies--this forum is amazing and I think I will be checking in often. Wishing all of us lots of strength today.