Shainae

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. It is very difficult to navigate through this. I watched my parents lose their parents, I lost my aunt and watched my cousins go through this and I thought I was ready to partake on this journey. I made the decision to go hospice when Judy couldn't make a decision anymore. We had spoken of it many times in the 7 years leading up to her passing. I knew she couldn't take the suffering anymore and I couldn't bare the thought of putting her through more treatments knowing that the inevitable would come with even more pain and suffering. I worked so hard to take care of her and our family. I worked 6 days a week to keep us afloat. Only thinking of the brief times I could sit and be with her. She always told me, I'd mourn for a few months and then I'd find a new partner and I'd be okay. I'm not sure if she said that to make herself feel better or if it was for me. All I know is that it is very difficult without her. So many times, I have questions about how to care for the plants, the trees, when to shave the dogs and trim the cats claws, but she isn't here for me to ask anymore. I should have listened to her when she told me all those things instead of hiding in my own head. Now I have to figure it out on my own. I relied on her for advice and guidance always. She used to tell me that sooner or later I would have to learn to stand on my own 2 feet. I guess I always hoped it would never come to that. Here we are, I'm alone, I have to make the decisions. I hate it. Shaina

I am seeing a grief counselor though Hospice of the Valley too. In my case, I'm dealing with grief, a history of clinical depression and PTSD from my childhood. So, I've got a grief counselor, psychologist and now a psychiatrist all trying to help with the grief, depression, and PTSD. I do understand what the psychologist is saying. I understand that my biggest problem right now is that I still want to remain in denial over my loss. I understand that if given the choice, I will hide in my own head and never face the truth. I also understand that I prefer to hide in our house (a safe place) waiting and hoping that Judy's spirit will come and visit me. I know that her spirit is more likely to visit me if I am doing okay and not deep in despair or depression because I won't be "open" to her visiting. I am just not sure how to move on. Having people over to visit is hard. Sometimes I just want to sit and stare at the walls and that's hard to do when people are visiting. Sometimes, I just want to sit and cry. I learned at a very early age that crying is a sign of weakness and I don't want people to see that weakness. I know that what I learned was incorrect, but it is hard to unlearn things.

So, after seeing my psychologist today, I was reminded/informed that I have to move on. This includes learning that our home is now my home and making it such. Getting out of the house, even though all I want is to hide and stay away from people beyond the interactions that I am required to participate in i.e. work, grocery shopping, taking dog for walk, communicating with family. I have been told that Judy would have wanted me to move on and find another person to share my life with. I was informed that doing that does not have to happen now. My concern is that I'm not interested in spending time with other people. I was with my soulmate for 13 years, I believe that you only get one shot at it. I had mine. What's the point in trying again when I know the inevitable outcome is pain, sadness, etc? I am also very picky about letting people into the house. I feel as though other people (friends, etc) will contaminate the home and the likelihood of Judy's spirit coming back to see me will be diminished. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but they are definitely thoughts that are going through my head. I don't know how to move on, I'm not sure I want to move on. If I stay i this place, I kinda feel as though Judy is still with me even though I know that she always wanted me to start making decisions on my own and wanted me to be more social (we weren't able to do that the last 3 years as the cancer was progressing). I just feel lost, confused, stuck, and unsure of what to do. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Shaina

March 22, 2013, I lost the love of my life after 13 years of being together. For the last 7 years, we fought against stage IV breast cancer knowing that eventually it would be a lost battle. We tried every treatment, saw every doctor, but just couldn't beat the disease. It's so very hard being a young (40) widow and having her two kids and 3 grandchildren to help though this. I'm having such a hard time accepting that she will never be here when I come home. I see her in her children and grandchildren, but it just isn't the same. I don't know how to let go and accept that she's gone. Sometimes, I don't want to let go. Most of the time, I just sit and stare at the walls or try to stay busy, so I don't think about it. However, sooner or later, I sit down and the tears start coming and I can't stop them. Judy was at Hospice of the Valley for the last 28 hours of her life and was kept comfortable by medication. I have a really hard time with the fact that she never had that last moment of lucidity. I just wish she could have woken up for a few brief moments to tell us all that she loved us and that she was okay. No matter how many people tell me that she is okay, I just have a hard time, because I never heard it from her. I know that she was suffering terribly before she passed away, she had a constant migraine for 2 months and her body hurt all the time, she couldn't eat or drink without aspirating. I didn't wish her any additional pain, but I just wanted to hear her voice and see her open her eyes one last time to tell us she loved us. I just don't know how to move past this.