Sarab100412

Thank you everyone. I'm really glad I have found this group because things will be pretty hard this year...and maybe always..I just worried that my grandma was afraid of dying, I'm having a hard time picturing her at peace. I also don't understand why she passed so suddenly. I want to see her medical records- I want to understand it and find closure but I'm sure that's probably not going to help. I feel sad at night from a day of not really thinking about her. I can still picture her sitting at home in her favorite chair, my grandpa and I were both able to laugh tonight at her crazy ideas like "drink a coke it cures everything!" But we both have big holes...I feel so sad for him being all alone in the house they shared together..I know I can't really change things..all it does is make me anxious..

I lost my very best friend last month, June 23, 2013. My grandmother and I had a relationship like no other she was my best friend. I was one of 4 grandchildren but everyone always referred to me as her favorite. I loved her with my entire being. She took care of me growing up and taught me so many things while my mother worked. She protected me long into my life, even after I married and moved away to start my own family. I rushed to be by her side when she was moved to hospice because I think her and I both knew it wouldn't be long. She had asked my dad to call me a few days before and gave me somewhat of a goodbye message telling me how much she loved me and to always take care of my son and how she wished she could have done more to help me. All I could do was listen and cry. My grandmother never talked about dying or death with anyone, it just never happened. She had breast cancer about 10 years ago and her entire breast was removed, then this year she was sick with lung problems most of the year and a dark spot was discovered. She feared the cancer was back but was confident about doing chemo and radiation and things being ok. Her health was not good, she had pains all over and she had trouble walking. She would fall easily. She was 82 but wouldn't use a cane or walker..I guess I feel like I saw her "crossing things off her list" things that she could no longer do. But I never thought she would die. When the doctor told her she might not be well enough to survive chemo she really started to slip. After that my mother pushed for a bone scan and blood tests to see why she was in so much pain, she was moved into the hospital from a rehab facility to do the scans and had only been at the hospital for 2-3 days when she told her doctor that she didn't want the scans...he then told my grandfather that he thought she only had a few days...she told my mom while my grandfather was in the hall with the doctor that "they had signed all the papers and everything was ready and she would be going to hospice for about a week" all without hearing what the doctor prognosis was. She was moved to hospice on a Friday night and passed that Sunday night. She never ate while she was there and stopped taking water on Saturday. She did so much moaning all day Saturday and the nurse said "she's just not ready to go, it's like she has a foot in each world" I was there all of the days and cried and held her and told her it would be ok. I wasn't ok, I feel like I lost the only person who understands me and loved me unconditionally. I don't feel like my family understands my loss, because my relationship with her was so different. It's a hurt like nothing I have ever experienced. I live in a different state than my whole family and my mom wants me to come home and visit. She wants to see my son, she wants to see me. I just don't know how I can go back and see everything and not have a memory of my grandmother and me. I call my grandpa everyday but I am sure if I saw him all I could do would be cry. Seeing their house and her pictures on the walls. But I know I need to go back eventually..