lostlove24

Thank you to all for the warm welcome and wise words. I am struck by how many of you lost spouses of 30, 40 or 50 years. As hard as my loss has been after 15 years together, I can't imagine how much harder it must be after almost a complete lifetime with that one person. My mother has often said to me after 60 years of marriage to my father that when he goes, we "better dig 2", as that country song says, because she can't imagine going on one more day without him. I would guess some of you may have had similar feelings, but have managed to find away to keep going the best you can. One thing I have not begun doing is journaling. So many people have suggested it to me, and I can't really explain why I haven't except to say that like some other things, I'm afraid that makes it too real. I've thought many times that I have taken to playing a daily game with myself of "let's pretend," like I think I can actually fool myself into believing it. Since he was gone on a trip when he passed, I can just pretend that he's still gone out of town, and not have to accept the finality of his passing. Obviously, I know better, but my actions, or lack of them, suggest that I am still trying to pull off this charade. And journaling about his death forces me to think about it, deal with it, accept it - all things I've been loathe to do to this point. But it would probably be a good tool for me in moving ahead, and in helping my girls deal with it. I certainly don't include them in my charade, and I make sure to always be available to talk to them about their daddy if they want to talk, and ask them how they are and how they feel regularly so they feel free to share their thoughts or their pain. I have considered taking my older daughter to a counselor because she has some anger about the way her daddy left her, and I may do it yet. I'm still trying to just take it day by day. I feel better just reading all of your responses and feeling the support and understanding that they provide. I will browse other postings and threads, and pick up what I can to help me with this daily struggle. Blessings and peace to all of you, and thank for sharing with me some of your individual situations. Andrea

Thanks for the suggestions. I did check griefshare.org, but there is just not a group close enough to me at a time that I can make. But I'll check the other suggestions as well. You are all very welcoming, and I really appreciate being in the company of people who understand and who CARE. That's a component missing with so many. But I think that most people mean well - they just haven't walked in our shoes.

I did not proof this. He "died" the night of the funeral. I have wished so many times that me and the girls had been able to make the trip with him. It likely would have changed everything. But we didn't and its I changeable now....

Thank you all so much for your responses and thoughts. I am struck by the thoughtfulness and compassion that I feel from your responses. It feels good to be able to talk about these things with people who I know understand and will listen without trying to move me on to another topic or assure me I'll be fine. I don't feel fine and I don't know that I ever will. I have located a church that offers grief.counseling but it is not covered by insurance. But the distance from work prevents me from going as I ride public transportation and am gone about 12 hours every day just for work. I unfortunately cannot drive right now which I imagine contributes to my feelings is loneliness and isolation. My girls go to my parents' house after school, and they live close. But I don't spend much time over there because I have a sister who is almost always there and does not speak to me. She has yet to even offer me an "I'm sorry" for my loss. So I just choose to stay away. My husband's family lives out of state - that's where he was when he died, for his grandfathers funeral. He does the night of the funeral. He was buried up there too so I can't even visit his grave. But his family is much more supportive. I talk to them on the phone when I can, but its been so hard for his mother losing her father and son within a week of each other. Anyway, I do talk to the girls about there father - they are 7 and 11- but just try not to be a crying mess too much. If I cry, they cry. They are such good comforters. But my 11 yr old tends to worry about me and almost take on a mothering role if I seem to vulnerable and I'm not sure that's healthy. I think as time goes on I will be better able to talk to them about daddy without totally losing it. And I do want to keep him alive for them as much as I can. He loved them so much! It just breaks my heart for them to imagine them growing up without their daddy who worshipped them and was the proudest father I know. Sorry I'm rambling - again, it is good to have folks who will listen and genuinely seem to care and understand. I am sorry all of you experienced this terrible loss that brought us all here

I am new to this group. It has been 4 1/2 months since I lost my husband. My loss was very sudden, and I was not there when he died, and it took me a couple of months I think just to grasp the reality that he was gone. He was much too young - only 39 - and we have young children, and I guess I just never imagined this would happen to me. I'm sure you have all heard all of this before. I looked for grief support groups here where I live, but there are not any close enough to me, and I work long hours so I have just not been able to participate in one, as much as I believe it would help me. I am at the point now where it has been a "reasonable" length of time, and people expect that I should be okay now. All the people that were so readily available at first have gone back to their own lives, and I'm still here. My family is here, but I am just not that close to them. For various reasons, I have been a bit of an outsider for quite some time, so they are not terribly warm and comforting. They are for the most part very religious and they expect me to do what they would do and take solace in my faith. Perhaps I will get there at some point, but right now I am a bit in crisis and not sure what I believe, so that has not been the comfort to me that it would be to most of them. I guess my reason for writing this is just to reach out a bit and express myself so that all of these feelings don't stay bottled up inside. I have two daughters that have kept me hanging on to my life and kept me moving, because I have no other choice. And I have learned to function from day to day and appear to be getting along okay, but the crushing pain that I feel has not really subsided. I have very few people to talk to about it anymore. My husband was my sounding board, my biggest supporter, the one who cared about all the little mundane parts of my life that no one else would. Now that I don't have him, I just don't know who to talk to anymore. I am constantly feeling the need to pick up the phone and tell him this or that, only to remember that, oh yeah, I can't. Even with my daughters at home, the lonliness feels overwhelming sometimes. I am certain that all of these feelings are very normal and common in those who have lost a spouse, but they are new to me, and I hate them. My husband would have turned 40 in a little over a week, and I am dreading that day as it seems to approach me like a dark cloud. I don't know, some days I wonder if I will ever feel like I can move foward again. Right now, I live as though I am pacing on a treadmill. I get up and do what I'm supposed to each day, come home, keep up with the house and children and just get ready to do it all again. Nothing in my house has changed since he passed. Everything of his is still in the same place. I don't think about the future, nor really look forward to it. I'm just keeping time..... I don't expect any answers - I know there aren't any. I laid in bed last night and begged God if he could please somehow let me wake up this morning and it be 5 months ago. I would do everything better, I would be a better wife, I would save him somehow!! Of course I knew this could not happen, but at that moment I felt desperation overtake me. I do all my crying in my room now so the girls don't see or hear it, because they seem to be healing, and the thing that upsets them the quickest is seeing me cry. I just wish I could see the sunshine for the rainclouds. I'm growing rather tired of this mundane existence I call a life right now. I have to believe it will get better. Thanks for listening - that's what I need in my life right now more than anything - someone to listen.