Crna2004

Thank you for the compliment Kayc. I appreciate it. I am longing for his friendship again. He was my best friend. I have started to hang out more with other friends, going on vacations (girl trips) to Mexico, Las Vegas, etc. But it's not the same as with him. His personality (and idiosyncracies) are identical to mine. I don't know... Maybe I should just try to forget about wanting the friendship again.

Hello, It's been awhile since I have posted on this forum (about 6 months). I had felt the urge to return once again. I've been feeling sad (almost melancholy) lately. It's been over 18 months since my ex-BF broke off the relationship. We're still friends (I guess) but definitely not as close as we once were a long time ago. We text each other about once a week (to see how each other are doing). I haven't seen him since October. We went to the movies. We had a great time (it seemed like old times talking, laughing, joking around). I thought that we will hang out again but it hasn't happened. I thought that maybe he missed that about our friendship... I know that I do! I figured after knowing each other for 22 years now (since 1993) our friendship will remain strong. I know that he's not in another relationship. He told me about a month ago that he's "not ready to have a relationship or f$&* up someone's else life". All I could say was "wow"! He asked me why I haven't found a boyfriend. I told him I don't know. But I do... I still love him. I'm not sad anymore about the ending of our relationship. It happened because it needed to happen for his sanity! I completely get it. I'm not hoping or secretly wishing that we will be together again. It is what it is.... I just miss us hanging out together or even talking to him. To consider him as my best friend for half of my life and now to be distant from him is what hurts me the most about this circumstance. I don't cry anymore when I think of him. I think about him every day. I don't understand why I still feel an "ache" when I think of him. I can't explain my feeling any other way. I know he's still grieving over his mom being murdered. I just feel helpless. I miss him ?

Thank you so much Marty T. I have read these articles today. I have emailed them to my friend. I will wait for his response. I know him extremely well (over 21 years). I just hope that he opens up and decide to seek help. I made this comment to him (actually from one of the articles) as I sent him these articles: We are both in the profession to help and heal people. If you have a broken arm or leg you will go see someone to fix it. Why not go see someone about about your "broken heart"? I will definitely keep you guys posted. Thank you both for your advice. I'm hurting for him and his family. I just want to make sure that he will be okay.

Thank you for your response, KayC. I wanted to make sure that I didn't make the same mistake as I've done in the past (by telling him that I'm worried about him and think about him daily). I don't know if reaching out to me was a result of not contacting him on a regular basis (like I was doing before). The fact that he shared his feelings with me is a huge step! The text had taken me by surprise and after I read it appeared that he's screaming (metaphorically) for help! I don't want him to do anything drastic because he's feeling this way. I've decided that I will just text a couple of times a week to check if he's okay. I will also start to ask if he wants to hang out (movie, going to lunch or dinner, etc) sometimes so he know that I will always be there for him. I will try to continue to slowly encourage him to possibly seek counseling so he can start to feel ok. Maybe these emotions are coming out as well because Saturday was exactly one year since we ended the relationship. Also his family will be meeting with the prosecuting attorney about the trial with his mother's death (his nephew has been charged with first degree murder). I still love him (deeply love him as my friend). My mind is now clear. It's not clouded with emotion and grief (questioning why he ended the relationship, does he still love me, etc). The fact that he shared his feeling with me (and none of his other friends or family) speaks volumes about his love for me as his true friend. I just want to make sure that he knows that I will always be there for him as his true friend.

Hello all, It's been about 3 weeks since I've posted on this forum. I want to seek your advice about a quick text conversation that I had with my ex BF/ friend. He had sent this to me about an hour ago (out of the blue). I responded to his text but I need advice (if it was the right thing to say). I also need advice with how to talk to him without forcing him to do anything. I've attached the email below: MB: I don't think I've ever explained to you how I feel since things happened. Since you're my friend I think you deserve explanation. I feel alone in a room full of crowded people. Like there's an itch I can't scratch. Like I'm stuck in the mud. Like I have no direction, like some days I just don't give a s***. I tinker around the house quite a bit because I feel like something needs fixing. Maybe it's me, but I don't know how to do that. There, that's the best I can do right now. Me (my response): I truly appreciate you sharing that with me. I worry about you and think about you daily. I don't contact daily anymore because I know that I can't do anything for you except be there if you ask me. I remained your friend for that one purpose. I can't imagine how that must feel. I do think that maybe it's time for you to talk to somebody (professional counseling). Once you're able to share those feelings with a person who won't judge you or have any expectations from you will you start to learn to live again (a new normal). It is exactly why you work all the time, always finding something to fix, choosing to be alone, etc. at least that's what I think. But it doesn't matter what I say. It's about you not feeling like you're always alone. Any advice in what to do or say next is appreciated!! I just appreciate that he decided to share his feelings with me. MB is very private, pragmatic, deal with problems on his own. He needs help. Thanks in advance, guys.

Thank you for listening Kayc. I just needed to vent. I don't share any of my feelings with anyone. Just being able to write it all out is good for me right now. I wanted to make sure that what I'm feeling now (after a year) is okay. I still love and will always love him.. Which is why it saddens me about my decision. I know I'll be okay. It's just going to take some time.

I had the opportunity to talk to my friend (ex-BF) a few days ago. I felt compelled to talk to him because I wanted to know if he still consider us as friends. We don't text a lot anymore. We haven't talked on the phone since 7 months ago. We don't hang out anymore. He doesn't talk to me. I told him that I feel that the friendship is one-sided. I've tried to text him like every other day (whether it's a funny quote or pic, asking how he or his family are doing that day, trying to arrange for lunch or just go to the movies to get his mind off work, stress, etc). He always have an excuse. I intentionally put forth this effort because he have told me on MULTIPLE occasions that I haven't been a "true friend" to him. When I haven't text in a couple of days he would text and ask me "are you ok?". There are other things that has been said that feels like "mixed signals". He invited my family and myself over for Memorial's Day to spend with his family. I worked 24 hr call shift (so I was tired). When we arrived at his home I mingled with his family and briefly talked to him. I started falling asleep on his couch. After a few hours I decided to go home. A few days later he texted me to say that his holiday was "ruined" because he felt I intentionally avoided socializing with him (but mingled with his family). He was really upset. He asked me one day earlier this month if I was getting off work early. He wanted us to go to the movies together. He told me to text him when I got off work. I did but he was still at work. I didn't hear from him afterwards. I figured he had worked late (which happens a lot). When we texted each other a few days later I brought the subject up by asking him "What happened?". He confirmed what I thought but followed up by saying "If you knew I worked late then why are you asking me about it?". I felt he should have sent a text out of courtesy. Anyway... Back to the beginning of my post. I feel that I'm putting so much effort in proving to him that I'm a true friend to him that I'm not getting that feeling from him. He told me that he just want me to "be normal". He said that I wouldn't ask any other of my male friends to go to the movies, lunch, etc. I don't have any other male friends but him!!! Now the sadness have come back dealing with all of this.... I'm questioning whether he love me or even care about me. I did tell that I thought our friendship was different. We have been friends for over 20 years! He told me that we communicated a lot before (when we were with other people) and there was a point where we were intimate. But that has changed. He said "just treat me normal". I don't know why but I was hurt again! He couldn't even acknowledge that we had something special! I don't know... Maybe I'm reading too much into this conversation. Maybe I'm grieving more because it will be one year in Aug since he ended the relationship. Maybe I'm sad because my best friend, my true friend, is not the same (and we will not be the same again). So, after our conversation I decided that I will not contact him for awhile until I get over these feelings for him and let it go! I read a quote the same day that said " When you realize that you're constantly treating a person a lot better than they treat you, it's time to make a change". And that's why I have made this decision. I've deleted him number, email address, FB, all pictures saved on my phone, etc. I was saddened after doing all of this. I just came to the realization that doesn't love me or care. I just feel that I need to do this for myself to move on .

Hello, It's been a few months since my last entry on this forum. I had to come back to it to help me out. It will be almost one year since my ex boyfriend ended the relationship. I have noticed that he doesn't contact as often as before (especially within the past month). I only respond when he contact me now. I've been feeling sad these past few weeks. There have been numerous things (a certain scent, a song, etc) that would trigger memories of us being together. I don't cry about those memories like I used to. But I do believe our friendship is not the way it was before. We haven't been texting regularly. We definitely don't talk on the phone. We used to go hang out at the movies. But it's been 3 months since I've seen him (and he only lives 20 min away). He used to text me about how he's feeling. Now he barely reach out to me. I know it will never be like it once was... which is why I'm sad. I truly thought that I was okay and that our friendship (our 21 year friendship) will remain intact despite the end of the relationship. I have been really keeping busy with work. I definitely try to socialize with others (co-workers, acquaintances, family). But it's not the same like how I used to hang out with him. It's sad because I don't have him as a best friend anymore. I don't even have him as a friend. I have said to myself mutiple times that I should just stop all contact with me but that's easier said than done. I don't know why I'm asking for advice. I'm not grieving anymore. Just sad

Hello everyone, I want to give everyone an update about my situation. It's been a few weeks since I've posted on this forum. Things are still going well with my ex-boyfriend (as far as us being friends). We text each other multiple times a day. We have been talking on the phone almost daily (which is a huge change). He has been opening up more about the acceptance of his mom's death, dealing with his nephew committing the crime (I think he's trying to get mentally prepared for the trial coming up in May) and coming to terms with the ending of our relationship. I have also come to terms with our past (we were able to talk about it rationally). I know this type of friendship can't work for everyone. I think what makes our friendship unique is that we started off as best friends. We both understand that completely. I know that it was important for us to remain best friends because we have no one else to confide in (we have a "running joke" that no one understand us but each other because we're just alike). Neither one of us have tried to date anyone else. I'm certainly not interested because my mind and heart is not into the dating scene. I still love him (and visa versa.. we're still able to say that to each other) and I am not hopeful about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But I can say for certain that we will always remain best friends (especially after 21 years). I will always be there for him through good times and bad and that we will remain loyal to each other. Thank you again for everyone who has given me advice on this forum. It was hard for me to deal with because I felt alone. But once I realize that he was going through hell and really needed me I was able to put my feelings "in check" and support him. That helped me a lot! I know that it helped him. I hope that my situation will remain positive because right now I'm in a good place. Thank you guys again for all your help and support.

Hello, I've been reading all of these posts asking for advice for the grieving BF/GF (and even for themselves). I've also noticed a few posts that are very negative (in which I say this forum is not for them). I just want to thank all of you for the advice and words of encouragement that you've given me on this forum. I didn't understand until I posted here that I was going through some of the same feelings that my ex-BF was going through (well.. almost similar because I didn't lose my loved one to a death). But I truly appreciate that knowing there are others who are or have been through what I was feeling at that time. It's been 3 weeks since I've posted anything on here. I am definitely in a better place emotionally and physically. I'm not dating anyone because my one true love is my best friend. My ex and I still communicate (only by text) several times a day. We ask each other daily about how the other is doing on that day. I haven't talked to him about any "relationship stuff". I have mentioned to him if he ever want to hang out (go to a movie, lunch, etc) just let me know. I told him that I missed hanging out with my best friend. He responded "Ok. I miss that too". I thought it was a huge step forward with us being best friends again! I definitely realize and have NO EXPECTATIONS of us getting romantically involved again! I just know that I have my old friend back... We send silly texts to each other trying to make each other laugh, send silly pics, talk about movies, music that we both love, etc. I feel that it is especially important to be there for him because this Sunday would be one year since his mom's murder. He mentioned that to me a few days ago... I told him I knew and I will be there for him if he need anything. What's kinda funny is that I know that he loves me (and I still love him) and things are exactly how it was when we were in a relationship (except for the intimacy). I realize after knowing someone for 21 years (and knowing EVERYTHING about that person) that type of love will NEVER disappear! I will continue to keep everyone posted on any updates. But for now I am thankful I still have my best friend.

It's been 2 weeks since that dreadful text argument. After the third day of that argument, I broke down and sent him a short text saying "Hope everything is ok. Just thinking about you. Have a good day.". He responded "Likewise". Later that day he started sending random texts. I respond answering his texts (like we were before). So that's how it's been for the past two weeks. I keep thinking that he still has that same personality (all the qualities that I love about him) but when I don't see a text in the morning (telling me "Good morning sweetheart") or at night (telling me "Good night, baby. I love you"), I know that things are different for us. I'm glad that we're texting again honestly. He is my best friend but we're not even close like how we used to be as friends. I think about him everyday. Sometimes I just start crying when something (a certain song, a thought which makes me think about one of our vacations together, a certain movie, etc) triggers an overwhelming feeling of sadness because I am not with him anymore. Valentine's Day was the worst day I've experienced in years. It was hard! It was the first time since I was 17 that I've never received anything or been with anyone (and I'm 46 years old). We didn't text each other that day. I thought maybe it was for the best. I don't think he loves me that way I still love him. I guess I don't know that for sure (because in the past he got upset when I asked about his feelings-even during that argument 2 weeks ago he told me that I always assume how he still feels about me and nothing's change). Anyway, I'm grateful that he's still in my life. At least I look forward to him making me laugh, smile or check on him to make sure he's ok once during the day. Sorry I'm rambling.... I was tearful because I heard a song that made me think about one of our "special moments: just being up all night listening to music". I miss that. I miss him. One thing that gives me some comfort is that most people can't erase all the memories established from a 21 year friendship.

I will. Ok.

I will follow your advice Kayc. I was devastated 8 months ago because I lost my confidante and soulmate (and we both were grieving over the loss of his mother together). I slowly started to accept that at least I had his friendship. Now today I have come to the realization that I've lost my best friend. I'm saddened but I will be ok. But he will always be in my heart. There won't be a day that I won't think about him and hope that he's ok that day.

Well, I can give you an update about my situation. I felt so relieved and validated after I posted about my feelings. I decided on that day not to make the initial contact with him. If he randomly contact me then I will respond appropriately. I promised myself that I will not talk to him about my "feelings" or past relationship or anything! So, for the past 2 weeks we would correspond (he would send me a random text about some things he's working on in his home or the weather, etc.... I would send a quick reply to that topic). I reminded myself everyday as I read my message that I wrote on my mirror "It's not about you... It's about him!". Well, we got into a text argument today! Here's how the situation went down: We are in the same profession (nurse anethetists) so we have A LOT of mutual friends and acquaintances. One of them asked me last week about my ex-BF. I told her that we don't talk that much but I think he's doing ok. She mentioned to me (as a rumor) that someone had told her about seeing him w/ another female. I responded by saying that I don't know anything about that because we're not dating anymore. I must admit that it has been bothering me a little throughout the week. Anyway, this morning I sent a text to him telling him about this "rumor". I wasn't thinking how he would respond to it. If anything it shouldn't matter to either one of us because we're not together. He first responded by texting "LOL! That's obviously not true". I thought that was the end of it.... But it wasn't! He mentioned to me about something that his aunt told him a few weeks ago (I want to remind you that I have known my ex-BF for over 20 years. I've been close to his family as well. I have always felt closer to them than my own family. He knows that because I've told him that years ago). I haven't seen or heard from his family especially his 2 aunts (a lot of his family asked about me during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I normally spend the holidays with his family since my divorce 8 years ago). So I've been thinking more about him and his family recently (since March will be one year since his mom/his aunts' sister's death). I sent both of them a personal message on FB (I inbox them) saying that I hope they are doing well; I was just thinking about them recently (especially during the holidays); and things will be not be the same. I ended the message saying "love you guys and take care". I guess one of his aunts told him. It was a caring and sincere message. It wasn't malicious in its content. But maybe (obviously) he and his aunt thought so! He asked me if I told them about us. I swear I didn't mentioned it to them! Well, all of this lead into him telling me that I like to start drama and that he's "tired of the bullshit". He said some hurtful and hateful things to me during the exchange of texts including that I have never been a friend to him. He also said that he just rather not have me contact him! Now I have always tried to watch what I say to him. I'm usually the one who respond to emotion first (that's how it was during my marriage). I learned that when you say something to try to hurt the other person that he will probably forgive you but he won't forget it!!! So I think what I say to him before actually saying it. I've tried to be like that with him when we were together. I don't like when he's upset with me (especially now). I told him that I will go along with his decision and that I'm sorry. That statement sent him into a further rage and he started cursing, saying that "I know what the hell I'm doing..". The last response I sent to him was this message "I've tried to be a good friend. You wouldn't let me. I have never tried to hurt you. I love you too much. I don't understand why you treat me like s***? I know of several relatives and friends who have done far more that what you claimed I've done to you. I will not beg anyone for friendship. I don't deserve this!". He said some more things, including that it should be easy to talk to me but I feel that the negative outweigh the positive so he doesn't bother! I said that I didn't understand. He said some more stuff but I deleted the chain of texts so I don't recall what was said. I feel like shattered glass right now! Now granted, I am not distraught like I was when he had ended the relationship in Aug. I just feel hurt because I have really tried to be his friend! I had constantly reminded him that if he needed to talk to someone that I'm always here. I have been there for him for over 20 years!! We can't even have a conversation anymore without him getting upset! He does not treat ANYONE else this way except for me (I know this for a fact). Hell, his sister (his nephew was the one who stabbed his mother 33 times) was supportive of her son and spoke on local television stating this... It caused a serious riff in the family. Now they continue to have get-togethers with her being there! I know of several of his ex-GFs who've done some hurtful things towards him. He still speaks to them! Seriously??!! I don't want to understand! I'm upset! It is wrong! It is not worth trying to bend over backwards to make someone accept my friendship. I have decided from today on that I can't and will not contact him at all (not even respond if he texts which I doubt it now). What's troubling to me is why does he hate me? It actually a rhetorical question. I will move on. That you for reading this and listening to me.

I'm crying right now as I'm reading this post. THANK YOU! I will do what I stated above: remembering that he is suffering! It is about him NOT me!! Thank you so much ladies. I will post at a later date if I need to talk or vent. I don't have close friends (he was my only best friend). I'm pretty sure that I'll be doing it often.