TerriMac59

Thank you everyone. I do know that although my grief is mine to carry alone there are those who have their own grief and have similar journeys. The walking silently alongside is exactly what I need. Thank you.

Peter, I am new to this forum and have been struggling to write my feelings down. I do believe that I could take your words and put my name at the end of it because I have gone through a very similar journey. My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in February 2006. The gastroenterologist who performed his colonoscopy ruptured his colon, cancer cells spread throughout his peritoneal cavity and our journey began. We too thought he would beat all the odds. He actually did for awhile. The last five months I stayed at home taking care of him. He battled for 7 years and 9 months. I lost him on November 9, 2013. I am lost. The memory of his last days and of his dying play in my head every day and through my tears at night. No one was in the room with us when he died. We spent his last day together. I played music that we both loved all day and tried to get a football (soccer) game on the computer so he could hear what he loved most. He was a soccer coach and a very good one, actually the best. He won two Gold Medals in the Deaflympics with the USA Women's team. He did not want to be on display for all to gawk at. He said only a few words in the 4 days that he was in hospice and some of those haunt me. I did not want him to go to hospice but he did not want me to have the memory of him dying at home. He probably was right because for months after he died I slept with all the lights on and every door in the house open, not outside doors of course, but every room, every closet, every bathroom door; wide open. My husband was a British citizen so I held two memorials; one here in the states and one in England. The things that happened surrounding those two events most people would not believe. Sometimes when I think about them, I don't believe myself. Funny how death brings out the true colors of everyone. I too, don't know how I will go on. My life has forever changed and it is a change that I did not sign up for. People around me don't understand. I sometimes think I want to "talk" to someone but always fall short of actually contacting anyone. Unless you have walked in my shoes how can you know how to help me? I want this pain and anguish to go away but at the same time if it does, does that mean I am leaving him behind? I can only hope that by writing our feelings here and in private it will somehow become more bearable, because it will never make sense. Terri