Hello and thank you so much for being here.
My mother was my best friend and we were very close. My parents had been married for 58 good yrs. We lived about a block away from them for the past 14 yrs. I am 53 yrs. old and my mother was 78 yrs. old when she died.
My mother had been sick with lung cancer and she had heart issues also. She fought to survive for the last two years. My mother never ever complained that she was in pain or uncomfortable even when I knew she should have been. She was always positive. Every single day she had a positive attitude even when things didn't look good for her. I don't think she or my father understood how serious and close to death my mother was. I once tried to talk to my Dad about it and he hushed me. He didn't want to talk about it. I assume that he felt that acknowledging it was accepting the inevitable and he didn't want to do that.
I was at work when my father called to tell me that my mom was having trouble breathing and that he had called EMS. I was able to get to their home in 10 minutes time. When I arrived, my mother was on the EMS stretcher with the paramedics all working on her. I went up to her and took her hand and told her I was there. Her eyes were focused and I could ever so slightly feel her try to squeeze my hand. The paramedics told me to move away and they continued to try to resuscitate my mother. I sat quietly on the couch with my father while we watched the traumatic dance that is resuscitation. It was really ugly and shocking! She actually did die and they managed to bring her back to life. It was at that point they transported my mother to the hospital.
At the hospital they continued to try to revive my mother. Finally they had us come back to where she was and I was so hurt to see the shape my mother was in. They asked us if we wanted them to continue....... I looked at my Dad and said no and he agreed. By that time my two children, husband, two brothers were physically there. We called the priest to give my mother her last rites. When the physician finally removed life support, it took my mother about 15 minutes to finally die. It was not a pleasant thing to watch. In fact it was heart wrenching and I thought it would never end.
My mother was the mother of five children. Two of my siblings were out of state. I always felt that we were a close family and my mother definitely was the matriarch. We all had the utmost respect for both of our parents. My father was an excellent husband and caretaker of my mother. He truly lived the "for better and for worse" part of his vows. My father would do anything he could do for my mother and his kids. We were very fortunate.
We had mom's funeral and laid her to rest. It seems the last few months of her life and probably the month after her death is a blur. I live close, so would stop in often to check on them. I helped clean their house and I brought them meals and brought them goodies. I visited with them, kept an eye out and went to doctor appointments with them.
I felt a huge responsibility to my father after everybody left. I had my dad come over for dinner every night. My husband and I offered for him to move in with us or if he wanted to park his RV on our property and build something he could do that too. He did think on the idea, and then decided that it would be a costly adventure to move his RV on our property. He never spoke of mom's death.
I have not been able to ask him how he is dealing with mom's death mainly because I cannot keep my act together just thinking about my mother. My dad will talk about his feelings some, but he will not dwell on them and doesn't understand others that do. Two weeks after my mother died, in the middle of winter and during a bad snow storm, he drove across the country in his RV to buy another RV! He told me that he decided he could either sit at home alone and "pout" or he could get up and do something. And do something he did! I had asked him after mom died to please not do anything big for at least a year and he agreed. I guess our ideas of what is big and what isn't are two different things! He is a grown man, can make his own decisions and he can afford it.
He was so proud of this new RV. And from talking to him it seemed that he was going to travel to meet other people and have something to do. That seemed reasonable to me.
Then one day when he came over for dinner maybe in March he asked me what I thought about him dating! He said he was lonely and would like a friend. I was so very shocked and really didn't know what to say, but I told him that I understood he was lonely and that I didn't want him to be lonely so it was okay with me. That is not how I really feel though. I didn’t want him lonely, but didn’t like the dating idea. He asked my husband and my husband told him the same thing I did, not that he agreed, but to support me. I had one brother that felt like me and wasn't thrilled about it and the other three were good with it.
My dad did not waste time getting online to meet women and he wasn't shy to tell me about it! It hurt me to hear about that and while I didn't tell him I didn't want to hear it, I think by not acting terribly interested or asking questions he got the hint. The most nerve-wracking thing of my day was to check to see if my dad still had his wedding ring on every evening he came for dinner. He did.
It wasn't long before he decided to go on another trip in his RV. To make a long story short he ended up asking my aunt to go with him. This aunt was married to my mother’s brother. My uncle had died 4 yrs. prior. I actually thought that was a great idea and thought they would be good travel buddies. Buddies are exactly what I had in mind. ONLY.
It was only a couple of weeks and we get a phone call from my dad and my aunt telling me they were "close". It took me a while to understand just what "close" meant. Now I know and I don't like this either! They have been inseparable. Travelling and staying at each other’s houses that are in different states. They spoke to a neighbor who is an attorney for some legal advice. I'm sure that has to do with them getting married. I just know it. My mom only died 1/30/14.
I know I sound like I am five. I am 53 yrs. old! I just cannot wrap my head around my dad being with anyone else. I have nothing against this aunt, I love her! But I do not like seeing them together at all. She sits in my mother’s chair. Sleeps on my mother’s side of the bed. We recently went to a family wedding and guess who my father was with? They are at my father’s house right now and have my aunt’s sister and husband over spending the weekend going out doing fun things. It is upsetting to me!
I finally figured out what exactly I don't like about all of this. Every time I see my aunt with my dad in any situation, I cry. I cry because it's my mom that should be by him. I cry because I feel like my mom is being erased. Her things are being moved and put aside. I can't go to my dad's house anymore and feel like I am home because it just doesn't feel right and I don't hear my mom say "hi de do!" when I walk in the door. I can't talk to my dad about anything because my aunt is always there and I don't want to talk to him like I would have if my mom was there. I feel like I don't know my dad anymore. I never thought he would do this so fast. I not only lost my mom, I feel like I lost my family too. My two brothers that live here don't go to my dad's and they don't call him, nor do they call me. I think I am the only one of us five kids that is feeling so horrible about all this. I just cannot get over it. I cry every single dang day! It's causing me trouble. I don't see my dad and when I talk to him all I want to do is cry. I don't feel like I can tell him because he would feel badly and he would tell my aunt and I don't think it's fair for me to lay my burdens on them. I know this is mine to deal with but I am not doing a good job at all. My husband is clueless and I am basically on my own to get thru this. I did go to my family doctor and started taking an anti-depressant although I don't think it is strong enough because I have been bawling my eyes out typing this.
Please tell me it is normal for me to feel this way. Please tell me I will get over this. Please tell me how to do it.
I am attaching a picture of my mother and me. This was taken on mothers day last year. I love her so much!
