Smudgie

Debi, so very sorry for you terrible loss, I know the pain you feel.

"Do you think it is better to have known such love and lost it for it only to cripple you or perhaps never to have had it and therefore escape this pain?"

I can only speak for myself, but  I would never have missed a second with my soulmate and would have endured all the fires of hell for the time we had together. The price of that love seems almost unbearable but totally worth paying.

Peace and love

Simon

Well spoken Harry I relate to your philosophy. Hope the seasons ills pass for you and peace comes.

feralfae,

Thank you for your kind thoughts, I have been busy surviving.

Although my poems are gloomy, as they only appear from out of my dark muse, I am still here. My friend and I at college made a pact that we would be the exception that proves the rule and would live forever, Well, I am still on course although I don't know about my friend as sadly I lost touch with him in the general chaos of life. The only problem with this , of course, is that I want to see my soulmate again so...

The Path to Immortality

When I have had a particularly bad day I feel the need to vent, today was one such as I went to see my wife's Psychiatrist who was more like a friend really, this is for the first time since her passing and I used to take her there every two weeks for 12 years. As you all know these triggers are always hard to deal with so I cope in my own way although it seems to be a little narcissistic.

The Black Hole

I slip over the event horizon into the infinite abyss

The darkness devours my spirit

The cold soaks into the core of my being

Struggling against the futility of my own sentience

I ponder what I am now become

There could yet be some unknown task to complete

Only fate can say

and fate does not speak.

Thanks for the message Jame.

Your comment regarding not leaving your location was poignant for me as it would probably be better for me to return to England but all my memories with my wife are here so I am torn. Just procrastinating waiting to see if something comes along to make the decision for me.

Hope you get your muse back.

Here is my favorite Pearl Jam song

"Pendulum"

Can't know what's high
'Til you've been down so low
The future's bright,
Lit up with nowhere to go,
To and fro the pendulum throws

We are here and then we go
My shadow left me long ago

Understand what we don't know
This might pass
This might last
This may grow
Easy come and easy go
Easy left me a long time ago

I'm in the fire but I'm still cold
Nothing works works for me anymore

Ah ah ah ah ah
To and fro the pendulum throws
To and fro the pendulum throws

To and fro
To and fro

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1D1uZbhdQY

Thanks Jame,

I notice you live in Gloucester, nice town, I lived near Bath until relocating stateside to be with my wife, I am still here but alone.

Best wishes

Simon

Like all of us here sharing our experiences, I am going through this evolution of my grief from the first raw terrible days and weeks to "settling in" for the long haul. To those who say, you must be over it by now its been x amount of time, I would use the analogy imagine your partner has gone away on business or for the military, you would miss them terribly and the longer that they were gone, the more they would be missed. This is what losing someone is like, the feelings of disbelief and panic may have quieted down but you miss them even more the longer that they are gone.

Peace and hope

Thank you Kay and Enna, I try to express my feelings when I have the urge and jot down the words in a couple of minutes. I know that all of us who have lost soulmates will feel the same way, it must be some sort of universal constant.

It is a sad fact that almost 50% of all people who have soulmates will have to go through this at some point in their lives, thankfully a lot of these will experience it when they are very old and have had many happy years , although the sadness must be the same whatever age we have to face it.

Amy,

Grief can certainly depress the immune system and can cause all sorts of health problems, try to eat well and look after yourself even though you may not feel like it.

Peace and love

Teri,

your love story really touched my heart it was so much like my own only totally different, if that makes any sense.

I also know that you do not get over a love like this, you only learn to live with the loss (if you are lucky) so do not listen to those who have not experienced this.

peace hope and love

Simon

A years gone by, so all alone

The worst one I have ever known

My karmic sins must have been great

To seal me to this awful fate

Was this of my own accord ?

Should I fall upon my sword?

Or continue as this dying husk

Until I slowly fade into the dusk

Not for me will love transcend

Until I reach my bitter end

Harry,

Just remember you cant change the way the world works and try not to stress too much over things that happen far away. It is enough that you try to influence events which you have some degree of control over which I note you are doing.

There are bad things happening all over the world at this moment but there are also many good things and it has been the same since the beginning of humanity, we can only do so much as individuals and even the Obama, for all his good intentions has only been able to achieve a small part of what he really wanted due to reactionary and financial interests.

I know what you mean by having an existential mental crisis, both my wife and mother died last year, the two people on Earth who understood and unconditionally loved me and I have been thinking much about the passing of time, where it has gone and where it is going.

Best

Simon

Thank you Fae for your kind words and I am doing what I can to be creative as it has occurred to me that I have to live now for my wife as well as myself. I live alone with my cat and do not get out much as my illness prevents me from doing many things that I want, like a walk in the woods or a long drive and I don't even get to paint very much which I love.

Kay, yes it is the only way I have of expressing my feelings and to try to dissipate my pent up emotions, a safety valve blows occasionally.

Peace and love.

Hi all, I am still here just about and still writing stuff. Am still composing the music on my guitar when I feel up to it.

The End Of All Things

A moment in time

The only one

This is now and then its gone

This hell will go

Then peace will come

Where there was pain there will be none

Your face I see

your voice on the phone

Your presence I feel at night all alone

The love that we had

when we exchanged rings

we will meet again at the end of all things.

Fae, thank you for your kindness, I love to read your posts which are always uplifting although I am having great trouble with my spirituality at present and you are very much in touch with your spirit.

Lots of love

Simon aka Smudgie

Wishing you all as much happiness as can be at this time, and hope for 2015.

This is my first Christmas without my dear Carole and my mother and is every bit as hard as I feared. I remember well the Christmases when I was a child, a joyous, magical experience that I tried to reproduce each year as an adult (and without children). Now all the joy has run out and I sit alone without decorations and not any family within 3000 miles, just memories left now.

I shall be glad when the season is over and I can return to the new normal, such as it is.

Sorry if this is depressing.

Peace.

I was lying on the bed a couple of weeks ago thinking of my wife and how much I miss her when the phone rang with the caller ID saying “call from Carole”" L”., my wife's name, and the number that came up was our own home phone number, I answered it and, of course there was nobody there. This had never happened before and I have no explanation, I can’t think of any electronic issue that could account for it. Then unbelievably, a week later, my phone rang again with my wife on the caller ID as I was typing this story online. I used to think that those who were having signs were just subject of coincidence or wishful thinking but now???
I miss her so much but this was no coincidental occurrence.

Hi Sue,

Its been 7 months for me and I can relate to what you are going through. I thought that my first months were very bad but it does not seem to get any better, it just changes perspective and now it appears that I have reached another stage where the loneliness is more overwhelming than the raw grief. Then my mother died last month and I have a terrible mix of emotions going on.

I reach my first un-anniversary at Halloween, then Christmas, then her Birthday in January.

Hope you cope better than me

Peace and hope

Simon

Boogieman

I hear you man, the loneliness never seems to get easier. My only solace is the time I spent with my soulmate will always be and I would not have changed that even now, knowing my fate.

Peace and hope.

"loneliness and solitude are two totally different things."

How true, I enjoyed being alone for much of my life and was always comfortable with my own thoughts, now I am so lonely I just wish for peace.

Perhaps my situation is more difficult than some others although every person has to go through the agony in their own way. I was ill for 10 years before meeting my soulmate and it was this very illness that brought us together. Now I am left on my own again and I am sure that no two miracles happen in one lifetime so I am left with whatever time is allotted to me before I can go. I spend my days sobbing on the couch waiting until I can go to bed and forget for a while, but lately even my dreams are of loss and sorrow. I wish I could keep myself busy to try and occupy my mind but it is not possible for me.

I think, even if the miracle did happen twice, that I would not be able to learn the new language that only a very special relationship acquires over time. I had this language with my wife as I expect you all did with your partners, now I am the only one left of us two who understood our special language and I shall never use it again on this earth.

Peace and blessings to you all.

Hi Lynn, glad you are having a better day.

Just be careful you don't get rid of anything that you may regret later. We are about the same distance on this terrible road (4/15/2004) and I had a spate of clearing things out while still in the fog, now I am reconsidering some of those decisions.

I am dreading clearing out her clothes, shoes and bags so I postponed this until later when I will get the church to take them.

We can only try to do what seems right for us at the time but don't have any regrets.

Hope your day continues to be better.

Simon

Thank you Kay, I have had some bad times in my life but nothing comes remotely close to how I feel now. Just getting through each day is so hard as time appears to have slowed down, I just try to make it to the night so I can sleep and forget for a while.

And thank you Mary for your information, the only things in my grief toolbox at the moment are Xanax, Zoloft and vicodin which I use sparingly as I am not an addictive personality.

My problems are compounded by chronic illness (CFS) I have been on disability for 21 years when I had to grieve for the loss of my former life and activities. That is how I found my Soulmate who had the same disease although I lived in UK and she lived in the US which is where I am now. We spent every day of the past 12 years together and now there is nothing. I just sit around the condo on my own with no purpose.

I wrote this last night, am I going nuts?

I wished upon a star last night

I wished and wished with all my might

But nothing changed for me today

my pain and tears are here to stay

The soul has gone that lit my life

as in my heart is plunged a knife

This dark will never go away

I have to try and live each day

No hope, no love, no point to be

I really wish I wasn't me