MoonRise

I just feel like I've moved on. Of course I miss him, but I don't let it make me depressed. Mum has been sleeping almost all day today. I hate seeing her like this. I went to therepy for a while before my brother died. It was alright, but I don't feel like it will help much. I'm sad, I know I'm sad, and I know that I am going to be sad on and off for the rest of my life. What more can a grief couselor do for me other than listen and tell me "yeah, you're sad". Thank you both for being so inviting. It means a lot to me. I guess I really, truely steeled myself to the reality of everything when my manager at work told me that I had to suck it up and deal with it when I was at work. She told me my productivity was becoming to slow (which non of my co workers agreed with), and that my depression would soon be cause for possible write ups or termination. So I sucked it all up and just...stopped feeling I guess. Sometimes I get upset when I think about him, but for the most part I'm fine. I should have brought that issue to upper management probably, but I felt backed into a corner. Maybe that is why I'm having such a problem feeling "emotionally constipated"

My little brother, who was 4 years younger than me, passed away on October 11th, 2013. He was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of 15 in 2012, and passed away 6 days before he would have turned 17. Now the one year anniversary is coming up, and I just don't care. Everyone else in my family is depressed as can be, my parents, my sisters, aunts and uncles. But I just simply cannot be bothered to care. I feel so heartless and cold for it, but it jus is not affecting me like it is everyone around me. Anyone who had seen my brother the months leading up to his death would have been as glad as I was to see him go, so I think. The brain tumors were taking away his muscle functions. He couldn't walk or use the bathroom without assistance. In the final week, his throat muscles stopped working. He couldn't eat his food without litterally choking it down. Finally, he fell into a coma for a week, only waking up to have siezures. We played music for him, and he would squeeze our hands. It was rough. My older sisters (both in their 30's) became very snippish. Yelling at me for leaving the room when he would start to choke on his saliva, or go into a painful siezure. I dropped out of college for the semester, was released from work for 2 weeks. I cried the day he died. But that was it. I didn't cry at his wake, even after seeing well over 500 people attend to see my brother off. I didn't cry when they put him in the ground either. I just focused on holding my mother. I've visited his grave a dozen times over the last year, stopping to cry and then wander the cemetary for a few hours. Dressing it up for Halloween (it was his favorite holiday). But now the one year anniversary is coming up. My family is planning a huge get-together to celebrate his life. A large dinner party, and then a trip to the beach to release paper lanterns. But I don't really care. I don't want to go. I have to work the night before and that night (I work a 3rd shift job, 10 PM to 7 AM). I don't want to go and watch a whole bunch of people crying. A few months ago the town we live in dedicated and named the park across our street to my little brother, because he use to play there all the time. It was very touching. But I didn't want to go to the town meeting. One of my older sisters went, and chewed me out big time for not showing up. Both my parents were upset and disapointed in me because of it. I'm 21, don't I have a right to choose what to do with my free time? So, in short, I feel guilty that I don't care about my brothers death anniversary comeing up. But I will just have to deal with being forced to go to the "celebrations". Is there something wrong with me?