Steve1

Dear Steve, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and I hope you'll accept my heartfelt sympathy.

Thank you.

It is bad enough to be enduring such a significant loss, much less having to cope with more of it to come, given your friend's serious illness. I admire your willingness to be there for others at such a challenging time ~ but I also encourage you to give yourself permission to tend to your own grief, too. By coming here, you've found a very safe place to do that.

I understand. The grief counselor I saw made me understand that I need to do what I can to sheild myself from as much stress as I can and get a lot of quiet, stable time, to let myself heal.

My friend asked me directly if she could talk about our sick friend. I felt selfish when I had the thought of telling her no. Having been in the position of needing many talks recently, I didn't want to tell someone else "no".

I told my grief counselor that I was worried about becoming self centered during this process, but he reassured me that I would come out of it. He said to give myself at least a year of taking care of myself as a priority. So, worse comes to worse, next August rolls around and I used that as a flag to stop being selfish.

I have told people "no" with much more minor issues.

I think with my friend it might just be a few short calls and I am hoping by helping her, I might help myself a bit. I decided to be honest with her. If I don't have answers I will not put up a brave front and I will heartily encourage her to check out hospice resources in her area.

Thanks for all of the resources. I feel very hopeful that I will get some good stuff out of all of it. There are just so MANY books on Amazon and so many articles on the Internet. It is good to know which ones to start with.

I heard about two more deaths today too, so I can use all of the information I can get.

I am going to try to give myself quiet time again this weekend by staying in and reading.

I feel so lucky to have found this board.

Thank you.

You've asked for some specific advice, and I think you'd be wise to do a bit of reading so you'll have a better understanding of what is normal in grief and what is meant by anticipatory grief and mourning. Toward that end, I'd like to point you to some resources that may help. There is a great deal of information "out there," but the following articles may serve to narrow down your search:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

What to Say to the Dying: A Hospice Chaplain Offers Some Insight

7 Things You Can Do When Someone You Love Has Cancer

44 Ways to Make the Day of Someone Who Has Cancer

8 Ways to Better Support Someone Who Has Cancer

As for helping your friend Cathy, you may find this article useful: Helping Another in Grief

Dear Steve,

How wise of you to reach out for information on being there for your friends. I am sorry that Beth is struggling so and with her is her friend Cathy who is probably grieving an anticipated loss.

Here is a link to Marty's blog on anticipatory grief: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/anticipatory-grief-and-mourning.html

These following articles are relevant to helping someone grieve a death but the wisdom in them is very relevant to an anticipated death also.

This first one is from USNews and World Report and quotes Marty, the founding moderator of this site.

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/08/07/7-ways-to-help-a-loved-one-grieve?page=2

This piece by Megan Devine (a therapist who recently lost her husband suddenly when he drown) and it too has pointers in it for you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/death-and-dying_b_4329830.html

Keep in mind that each of these 3 pieces has links at the bottom with more information. Do return and we will be with you on this journey.

Thank you so much, I am going to try to read those articles this weekend.

It is so comforting to know that other people have thought these experiences through and have written about them, so I don't have to start from square 1 in turbulent times or try to find the right places to start.

Thank you.

Hi again, Steve ~ I just responded to your other post in another thread.

As I've stated in my article on Complicated Grief, "When there are significant problems in a relationship and one of the parties dies, a lot of business is left unfinished, including arguments unresolved, words unspoken, questions unanswered, and love undeclared. The survivor is left hanging in mid-air, unable to complete [his] relationship with the deceased, unable to mourn, and stuck in the pain of [his] grief."

That is the way I feel.

It's good to know that you're already seeing a therapist, and I hope he or she is familiar with the normal grief process, so you will get the information, comfort and support you need and deserve as you come to terms with your father's death. (Bear in mind that grief counseling is a specialty in and of itself, and not every therapist is educated, trained, skilled, and experienced in it.) You say you've spoken with grief counselors at your local hospice, but that may not be enough to meet your needs. I say this only to let you know that there is nothing wrong with knowing what you need and getting the support that matches those needs. (If you needed heart surgery you wouldn't expect an orthopedic surgeon to have the skills of a cardiac specialist!)

I agree with all of this. The grief counselor I had the talk with at the hospice showed me the MADD cycle chart of the components of the grief process. Just knowing what I was going throug was known about and studied, part of a process, has helped me a lot. That is something I wish my shrink would have done for me. I don't think he is very experienced with grief, though he seems to be very good otherwise and I am getting some good stuff out of it.

I don't have enough time away from work to see two people. I saw the grief counselor on Columbus day when I had off and he didn't. Maybe I should try to see him again for another visit on Veterans Day, as I have that off

Thanks much for the articles, I am going to comb through them as I get calmer and calmer and able to think more about these things without feeling anxious.

Hi, I'm sorry for your loss, and also that your relationship didn't go as you'd have hoped. My mom was mentally ill so my siblings and my relationship with her was always challenging at best.

I understand, my other came down with MS when I was young. She was very eccentric as a result from that and possibly other things.

What is it about it that makes you anxious, do you know? Does it stir up all the "stuff" you've encountered with him previously?

I think that might be part of it. At his funeral I saw a collage of his pictures his wife had made. It had a picture of him from the 70s. I hadn't seen that image of him since I was a child. He had a horrible temper and was abusive when I was younger. I was scared of him as a child. After seeing that picture, and still, I see that image fade into my mind a lot, I feel the emotions I felt as a child, and I feel guilty. My shrink said that is natural for kids to process abuse like that since their minds aren't fully devleoped. I also felt guilty like I didn't try more than I did. I didn't think I wold get much further.

Part of me didn't believe that though, part of me felt there was always hope for much more, a complete healing and getting the kind of fatherin I never got from him. That hope was always in the back of my mind. With my father's death that died too. My shrink thinks that is a lot of what is driving the strong emotions. I tend to agree.

I also feel guilty that I did try harder and more times. Like somehow I had power I didn't, to say something to cause him to change into a person he wasn't.

I had anxiety issues going on before my father told me he was sick.

I had a deteriorating relationship and stress in my life I wasn't recognizing, let alone processing. Starting in July I began losing sleep. By august I was lose a few nights of sleep a week and that generated a lot of anxiety for me.

At that point my father told me he was sick ( it was a surprise to him too ) and my GF was putting a lot of pressure on me about the relationship. A few days before the funeral she put us on a break which later turned into a full breakup.

Those two things, combine with the exhaustion from the insomnia took its toll on my nerves.

I am only in my 2-3 week of sleeping most of the night ever night.

You mentioned being in stage 1 of grief. Without going into a long explanation the stage theory of grief is not valid. The person who spoke those words is indeed a hero in the world of grief education (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) but she never intended the stage theory to apply to those who grieve a loss.

Hi, yes, the grief counselor I saw told me about that, explaining how MADD made it into a "grief wheel" with quadrants going back and forth from each other. I should have used the word "quadrant" instead of "stage". I understand that it is an organic non-linear process. Wording aside, I think I am still at the begining of it all.

Thanks for the many links, once I calm down a bit more I am going to start coming through them.

Thank You.

Hi,

I lost my father on 2014 August 28th.

I am far from over it. My father and I had a conflicted relationship my whole life. We both wanted those conflicts to go away. We tried several times in our lives, but didn't get very far. I think because of that his death has hit me hard. He was also my last surviving parent.

I was already in therapy when his death occured. I have also spoken with grief counselors at my local hospice.

I am on a mailing list for group discussions hosted by the local hospice, when they consider me to be ready. About a month or two away.

I would like to go to these discussions. I would also like to begin exploring books on the topic of losing a father with whom one has had a conflicted relationship. My thinking is that I am not the first human being to go through all of this so I stand to learn some very helpful things.

My problem is that the thought of being in a room listening to other people talking about the death of loved ones, or kicking back in the evning reading a book about it makes me feel very anxious.

I think I am still in what is called "stage 1" as far as grief goes.

What I would like to know is what materials and resources am I ready for at this point?

What things should I read, or what should I be looking to do other than trying to get through each day?

Thanks

Steve

I learned through a mutual friend last night that a friend, Beth, who has been fighting cancer got told that the cancer spread to her bones, which means a cure is only a long shot hope.

I am mostly an internet friend with Beth and the mutual friend ( Cathy ). Cathy and Beth know each other in real life. All of us have communicated for decades on a web board we have all frequented. I've met Beth in real life about 2 - 3 time over the years and spent some long intense, fun, afternoons with her.

The news of her impending death really bothered me.

I lost my father suddently on August 28th of this year. I haven't even come close to recovring from it. I think not being recovered from my father's death yet may be a large part of the reason why I am so upset over the impending death of what many people would consider to be an acquaintance.

Regardless, I am upset.

I would like advice on how to handle two things

The first issue would be how I talk to and how can I help Beth, the friend who recently learned she is dying. I feel powerless, I would like to make some sort of gesture or do something to make her feel better. I have no idea what to do and I would love suggestions.

The second issue I would like help with is how to help my friend Cathy, who does know Beth in real life. She is quite upset. I don't know what to tell her. I still haven't figured out what to tell myself about my father's death or death overall.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thank You

Steve