annew

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

iheartm what a great thread you have started. I have never read so many comments I can relate to.  Even after five years, I came home today and opened the garage door to see her car parked where it always is only she's not inside to greet me and I still don't get it. I've given up on things making sense. I just don't think it ever shall. On days I drive her car to work, it doesn't get me as much. Funny thing but when I drive that car it's rather comforting to have my hands holding that same wheel her hands were on. I don't think that will ever go away.

Lol, Katpilot....had the same experience with the coffee pot lately......want to just hug it......he used to make the coffee, always, for 25 years......Thank you all for this thread, so good to have a place to share the feelings no one else gets at all and figures I should be over.....But you know what dear hearts, makes me grateful more for what I had, it really is a love that never ends and is actually getting stronger and helping me through like no others but those like you who just get it and I don't have to explain anything.  

On 3/3/2016 at 5:53 PM, iheartm said:

The subject line is my life right now. In addition to the incredible sadness that I feel all the time, I am now hit with the "Wait, what do you mean he's never coming back? What do you mean I'm never going to speak to him again? That just cannot be."

For a while after he passed, I think my brain was convinced that he was on a trip or something as I was crushed, sad and devastated beyond belief, but somehow thought, "He'll be back soon." The realization that he isn't is beginning to overwhelm me and make me cry all the time. I can't stop thinking, "Holy cow, there's no way he would do this to me. He would NEVER leave me." And he wouldn't. But he did.

I still feel the same way after nearly two and a half years......surely he is coming back.....I know he would never have left me and yet he is gone and I don't feel he's gone.  It's a weird kind of limbo and it hurts a lot.  Mind cannot comprehend the heart so broken open it feels there is just to much to heal it all.  I hate it.  I want to move on more than I have and there is so much more I want to do in this life and still part of me cries every day.  It's much better than it was in the beginning and still I want him back.....it's so lonely without him.  

Thank you, Amy.  Your kind words are so very welcome now.....

We did  the same, Brad....when you live with your best friend, having a lot of socializing is a poor second.  It's good we can chat here about what we really feel and it's so much easier than those that don't get it so well.  Both of us are/were naturally introverted and so shared so much same interests.....and then he got sick and our life went with him.....I don't feel like I made any mistakes and I am mostly lonely for him.  I have friends, close and who seem to get me and an adult son.  Hey, maybe when you come down to the valley again, Brad, we can get some coffee and tell me about Deedo........or not.  It's all good either way, I know these are such intense confusing times. 

Thank you, so much, Kay.....you are most unforgettable, so kind and such a big heart that radiates so much love.

Yes, I haven't posted in a while but I am glad I did, it's so good not to have to explain so much and just be open with how I feel....and not have anyone try to fix me or make me happy....or whatever.

I don't need to move on so much as I need more friends who get it....I am alone way too much.

Thank you, Janka....it so helps to be so well heard and understood.  
Sometimes it seems others have completely forgotten my loss and feelings or I should be done now....
Doesn't feel that way at all.

Thank you, Gwenivere.....much love and care for you.

Thank you, Brad.  It's good when someone understands...and doesn't run off some kind of way, hahaha....
 It's been over two years and the loneliness is still so strong.  I love him so very much.

Well, it's clear, the grief just never ends.....missing his loving caring nurturing physcial presence so much even though I can hear him in my heart and it seems he must be in the other room and in ways he never left...........and still, my heart just breaks over and over.

Oh thank you for asking.....

I got served coffee in bed every morning of my life with him..........

So very grateful for your sharing, it helps so much to hear they are still with us, still reaching out, and want to be heard. Thank you, so much, Maryann. You are a huge blessing. I too am a fan of Theresa and consider her show a kind of support group of its own, one I wish there were more of, in person, for all who want it.

So good to hear of the happier times in all this change, thank you, QMary.....many blessings in your travels, I think wonderful things are going to happen.

So sorry Butch, it is most painful to be kicked when we are already down. How others behave is not about you and not about Mary. It is about how badly they treat themselves. Do all you can to avoid those kinds no matter who they are and stay with those that only want to support, care, and uplift you during this time. You deserve loving patience, compassion, and kindness.

Mary, lots of love for you and your family in all this change and glad you have the blessing of a new angel. As time goes by my angel shows himself to me more and more and helps me heal the loss and the past. Many blessings to you and yours now and always.

AnneW

Oh, Kay........you dear sweet angel....you are such a blessing to us here.

I just choose the moon view because I don't want to live in ashes and his love lives on so well and clearly within me. I need to honor that to survive emotionally. I have to go to that place, that view, because I feel such hopeless despair otherwise. It's just survival and I am not there yet....just walking that way because I want to survive. Much love and many blessings to you always.

AnneW

Surrendering myself to what is and what I cannot control or change reveals a lot more of me to love and care for.

Since my house burned down
I now own a better view
of the rising moon

-- Mizuta Masahide

Dearest Lori,

What if's are the most troubling effects of grief. Those of us who took so much responsibility feel it still. Mistakes and miscommunication happened a lot with us and the medical ones. I know my husband forgives me but it has been a long walk toward forgiving myself for what I could not control, for not hearing him, for how utterly drained and exhausted I was that I missed things. Forgiving myself is telling me now I did the best I could and it was not my place to decide whether he lived or passed on. I would like to believe that but even in the end when I think he knew, it was clearly between him and God. The choice was never mine, I don't have that kind of power in the life of another no matter how much I love them and feel so deeply responsible to care for them. I have felt a failure and great defeat as well. It took a year and a half to let myself just let that be what it is. While saying you are sorry to him, say it to your own sweet heart and show yourself some deep compassion for being human and not having the power of life and death for your loved ones. It will come, the acceptance and forgiveness for yourself when you love yourself more and never less. Many, many blessings and much love for you now, Lori.

AnneW

OH, Harry, I so love hummers....little angels they are....

So glad to hear all is well, Kay....many blessings more.

Here's a new blessing/positive for me.......in terms of acceptance, that is.

This morning I had a sense for the first time that death is not about something going wrong, or right for that matter.

Just some peace for a bit that we did the best we could with what we had and hindsight is not the point. The point is to honor the unbreakable, perfect love that still remains and has never changed. Amen.

And even, more, the acceptance makes him feel so much closer I can almost feel him breathe and the tears are mixed with joy..........

Here's a new blessing/positive for me.......in terms of acceptance, that is.
This morning I had a sense for the first time that death is not about something going wrong, or right for that matter.

Just some peace for a bit that we did the best we could with what we had and hindsight is not the point. The point is to honor the unbreakable, perfect love that still remains and has never changed. Amen.

Maryann, I hear you....I feel just the same....I hate this too.....I had it really good in a lot of ways and that's hard to let go of too.

Much love and many blessings for you....you are not alone, no matter how you feel, it is all ok to feel what you do.

AnneW

Big hug dear Micki, I am glad you are here. Love your picture.

You are never alone, our loved ones never leave our hearts.