MamaBriggs

Thank you Sue. I don't eat much anymore but i guess just enough to keep me from being sick. I've lost over 30lbs since Jeremy has passed. My kids and friends are worried but i'm ok. I do better when i work. I fall apart as soon as it hits me I'm going home to our house without him there.

I find my worse time to be after work. I have two kids. .10 and 13. I feel guilty because now when i get home from work in just like a zombie. I don't laugh or even cook anymore. We eat at my sisters or grab something quick. It's like I'm getting worse this week. I'm sure the holidays coming doesn't help. My son's birthday is Sunday and the poor thing just wants his dad back. Breaks my heart to hear him talk about it.

I agree. ..there's nothing wrong with you at all. I can't even being myself to use the "w" word. I'm sure it'll take a long time to accept that in my mind. I cry at work. .at home. .driving. only thing that keeps me going are my kids.

Sadly that's so true. I love her like she's mine but i can only do so much. I have to make sure i take care of my two children.

Exactly...they were separated for almost 7 yrs when him and i met. I knew her first and she'd talk about her ex and just put him down in every way except the fact that he had a great job and always paid child support. When him and i finally met. .it was seriously like love at first sight. Which i had never believed in. We were inseparable from the start. After knowing how she treated him when they were together and even after. I just cut ties with her. The only reason we're friends on fb and have talked recently is because of him passing. She even told a few of her friends that she blamed me for him passing. I actually saw the conversations but she denied saying it. I just wish i could never have anything to do with her at all. My step daughter has told me numerous times how she wishes i was her mom. Then once her mom gets her check from the state my step daughter is all about her mom because she has money. I've noticed lately that she only texts or calls me if she wants or needs something. She used to do that when my husband was here and it would upset him so much.

I have her on a different list. So i actually have to click on it to see anything she posts. I do get notifications from the memorial page set up for him tho. All she ever days is how she's honored to have his last name and to share a daughter with him. She had already threatened my step daughter with making sure she'll cut off all contact between us. Although i pay for her cell phone because her mother doesn't have a job and can't afford much of anything.

It just blows me away how she never cared about anything other than getting her child support on Fridays. Now she's blowing things so out of proportion. Posting things on Facebook as if they've been married for 40 something years. He couldn't stand the sight of her or the sounds of her voice. I just keep hearing him in the back of my mind. ..don't pay attention mama she's all about attention seeking. I did make it clear that i don't want to speak to her unless it's something important about my step daughter. So far the last week I've gotten lucky and she has stayed away.

I'm sorry for all of your losses. I've had a hard couple of days. Is it normal to just replay that day over and over? I'll just randomly start seeing everything that happened. I didn't know you could miss someone so much. I've left everything the way it was. His laundry,shoes even his hunting gear. We've never been apart longer than a week. It's been over two months and I'm just in so much pain. Sorry if i just seem like I'm whining.

Thank you all for your replies. It really helps having people to relate too. No one i know has ever lost their spouse. I feel as if i annoy them or I'm whining when i explain the pain I'm in. Jeremy had never been sick his whole life. The autopsy reveled it was blood clots that came from his legs. I asked the medical examiner several times that if i got him there the night before would it have made a difference. He said not likely. ..there were several of them and already on the move. I still wonder what if. As for his ex wife...her and i don't see eye to eye and i make it a point to keep my distance. I love his daughter like she's mine tho so I'm always here for her. It does hurt when a 16 yr old comes to you asking about life insurance and 401k info. Obviously i know her mother is sending her over with those questions. My answer is always the same...IF there was millions sitting somewhere. .I'd gladly give it to anyone if i could have him back. Jeremy healed me in so many ways. I keep thinking. .did he really know how much i loved him? I'm guessing so since i said it so much. I haven't washed his clothes. .his sneakers are still in the living room by the couch. I sleep on his side of the bed. ..wearing his old work shirts. Anything to make me feel close to him. Also the kids and i each have a necklace with a pendant that holds his ashes. I just can't believe he's gone. The longest I've ever been apart from him since we've been together was a week when his father had heart surgery a few yrs ago. Still he called and textd me all the time. Life just makes no sense now.

Hi I've recently joined this group and have been reading some posts and it comforts me to know I'm not the only one who feels certain things. I lost my soulmate September 5th of this yr. It was very unexpected and shocking for our family. We have 3 children between us both. His is 16 yrs old from a previous marriage and mine are 13 and 10 from a previous marriage. I've helped raise his daughter since she was almost 10 yrs old. My kids don't know their bio dad. My Jeremy has raised them since we met and that's who they know as their dad. Jeremy had been out of work due to a disc herniation. He was in so much pain and couldn't walk much for the first month or do. We called docs and had everything done. He had an epidural injection and it barely helped. Two weeks before he passed he actually felt better and we were able to go out and he could walk around. He was even driving his truck which made him happy. We were scheduled for the 2nd injection which he felt would help this time and he was excited to get back to work. September 4th...he did his breathing was bothering him...like he couldn't catch his breath. I asked him to please go to the hospital because it could be so many different things. He said "mama i have no pain, i think it's just from sitting around for do long I'm out of shape". He promised to go if it continued when i got home from work the next day. How can you forced a 6'4 grown man to go to the hospital? Well you can't. We cuddled and watched tv. Then went to sleep. ...everything was normal. We laughed and talked before we fell asleep. .just like always. September 5th...I'm getting ready for work and i asked him how he was feeling..he said he was ok. Again i said I'd like to go to the hospital just to be safe. He said "mama I'm ok..go to work if i need you I'll call you..i love you". So i went to work. About 2 hrs later my phone rings and is him. ..i can't Epson it but i just had a gut feeling something was going to be wrong when i answered. So when i answered and heard him..i dropped everything and ran out of work. He couldn't breathe well and said he had chest pain. My first thought. .omg he's having a heart attack. I kept him on my cell phone and called 911 from my work cell and we meet at my house at the same time. I ran inside and Jeremy had just come out of the bathroom. I pulled the computer chair over to the bathroom door in our room so he could just sit down. The emt put oxygen on him right away. ..but he couldn't catch his breath no matter what he tried. Jeremy had long hair so i put it in a ponytail and kissed his cheek absolutely told him i loved him..that it would be ok. He said" i love you too mama but this hurts". They got him into the ambulance and tried to get a reading on his heart but they couldn't get him to sit still. Then did we have to go now. .so i followed them in my truck since their were 3 emts in there with him. As I'm driving. .I'm screaming please God not again. ..i can't do this again. .not him. I lost my dad 10/1/2010...then my mom 8/5/2011. I took care of them both and watched them die. How can i lose anyone else? I get to the hospital and tell the nurse my husband was just brought in and i needed to see him. They sit me in that little room...for 20 mins. Then a doctor comes in and says. .you're his wife? Yes i am. .please tell me he's ok. He says "I'm so sorry but Jeremy passed away". My first thought was...are you kidding? This had to be some insane joke. How can he be ok the night before. .the morning. .then 3 hrs later he's gone? They called my oldest sister to come because i was in shock. I couldn't walk or talk. Finally they let us go back to see him. I kept expecting him to sit up and say haha mama just kidding. So then came all the thoughts..what IF i got him to go the night before? How am i going to tell our kids? How do i call his dad and tell him. .I'm sorry but your baby is gone. Jeremy was the youngest of 3 boys and he was absolute perfection in a 6'4 man. There's so much more i could write but i'm sure you all have read it before. I'm just so lost without him. My kids are hurting so much as well. His daughter didn't come around much in the last few yrs and never lived with us full time. She's hurt of course but more interested in what she's getting. Is it wrong that I'm not ready to even think about parting with things yet? Not to mention his ex wife is just looking for money. I have so much pain inside and then to deal with those things. Some days i just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. Sorry for rambling. .no one i know has dealt with loss like i have. There's no way for them to understand. Thank you