LadyCarrie

Carrie,

I believe your heart will open quickly to your new little one. I thought I could not, and would not, love another Doxie after Catey Elizabeth, because losing her, and hearing her scream in agony (euthanasia went badly) hurt beyond what I thought I could ever bear again. My way was to avoid that awful pain, but Jerry and Amberly needed another Doxie in order to heal. My love for the two of them made me relent. That was fifteen years and a house full of Doxies ago.

We wanted another little red sable girl. We located a breeder in San Diego who had one. When we first saw Callie's photo online, I fell in love with her sweet little face. I told Jerry, "We're pregnant!" I said that for we had to wait a while before we were allowed to have her. She wasn't old enough, and we had to prove we were suitable parents and that our household was safe. We had visiting privileges, so we made a few trips to San Diego before bringing her home. San Diego is over 8 hours south of us, so we spent a night there each trip. We found Ashely and Beauregard when we first visited Callie, so our "pregnancy" produced triplets. Our family increased by 3 wee cousins.

Ashely (born June 28) was one day older than Callie, and was always little and frail. Some would call her a runt, but not safely within my hearing. She was just small-boned. When I'd want to get a rise out of Jerry, I'd tell her affectionately, "Your daddy was a Chihuahua, and your mama was a squirrel." Jerry would tell me, "Stop that!" Well, San Diego is very close to the Mexican border . . . . I have a good imagination, so I'd tell him a story about a little Chihuahua slipping across the border one moonlit night, and then singing and prancing all the way home. He liked my story, but didn't ever buy it.

Beauregard was a few weeks older than our girls (born in May), so we brought him home first and wondered whatever we had done. This little red streak had an affinity for the knots in our knotty pine walls, and those first teeth were razor-sharp. We sort of needed the lower knots as well as those higher up.

Living with 3 fun-loving, never-still Doxies has been a wild ride. It's like having 3 two-year-olds in the house at one time. All were potty box trained, so I've had a lot of diapers to change several times a day for a long time. Even so, I surely wish I could hear them racing through the house at full speed, and yapping all the way. I'd add "just one more time," but one could never be enough.

You are a good mommy, with much love to offer your new baby, Carrie. You will do well. Were my circumstances different, I would be eager to hold another baby close, for Jerry and Amberly were right about getting another one (make that three).

Carrie

Good morning, my friends,

Today I will be good about my diet. I have to be. I've scarfed down everything tasty already.

Carrie, you just share away. We all love Chester, your stories, and his photos.

I've managed to walk the Hollow with Beauregard a few times. The first time was really rough. It still isn't easy at all, but I know I will adjust by continuing to take these challenging walks. I worked some in the Hollow yesterday, with Beauregard at my side, while Amberly dead-headed the roses nearby.

Yesterday was a work day at our place since we had help for one more day. We were all tired at the day's end. As Amberly and I rested in chairs in the yard, I spotted Beauregard walking behind a very tired Jerry, who was hobbling along by use of his cane through the yard to get to the trailer. Both were walking so slowly. Their calculated steps were made with intention. Beauregard's nose was pointed toward the ground, and his tail was hanging straight down, yet he trailed behind Jerry. I told Amberly, "Look at that! They both are pitiful!" She agreed, and said, "Beauregard has followed him everywhere for fifteen years, and is still doing his best to stay with him." The tears came again for me, so Amberly's arm around my shoulders felt good. She wasn't much better off herself.

I've watched both Jerry and Beauregard go from youthful vigor to struggling to walk across the yard. A positive thing to be admired in each is that they are determined to live life to the fullest to the very best of their ability for as long as possible. By God's mercy, Jerry is still doing what the doctors still wonder at. How grateful I am! I acknowledge "How scared I am!" also. I'm wandering off topic somewhat as I follow the path of my thinking.

Hugs to all, and may God hold you tenderly and ease your hurts today ~ and tomorrow ~ as tomorrow becomes today.

Carrie

How special that you were a part of prison ministry. I'm happy to know this about you, and I admire you for your work. I had good friends who devoted much of their lives to prison ministry. I was so proud of them, as I am now of you.

Jerry and I were visiting my brother and his family at Springfield, IL at Easter time one year when Amberly was a young adult (18, I think; barely "arrived"). She called us from home to ask us our opinion of her joining a group of ladies to sing at the prison. The prisoners had requested only ladies to sing for them. I'm sure these ladies were protected so much as was possible, yet they would be locked in with no hope of getting out should there be a lockdown. My brother thought I'd forgotten my parental guidance skills (and my mind) for not objecting. I couldn't object (out loud), for that was between her and God. I do acknowledge much relief when she let me know she was safe. She was young enough that it seemed strange to leave her "home alone," and this girl decides to go get herself locked in a prison to sing. What timing! Why mothers get gray.

Don't be positive you can't become anorexic based on your present weight, but possibly on your conscious decision to not become anorexic. I never thought it could happen to me, but it happened fast. I seemed to just melt, and I can get rather plump myself.

My doctor and his parents are "church friends" of ours. His beloved mother (recently deceased) was quite plump. She is what his ideal woman should be now that she is deceased. He used to be just the opposite when he was just out of medical school at age twenty-eight (I've been around forever, so knew him when he was still wet behind his ears; I remind him of this when he gets pushy). He allowed no overweight people to work for him, because he didn't think it was good for his reputation as a doctor. His chubby receptionist was so upset with him one day for telling her that she must lose weight or her job that she asked me, "Have you noticed the size of HIS butt?" Well, no I hadn't, but I did check it out. I learned later that it seemed all the nurses at the hospital knew already that Dr. P. has a big butt. His wife was rail thin ~ so thin she couldn't become pregnant ~ and I think at his encouragement. She did become pregnant once, and lost her baby. I remember, for several people of our church grieved with her. They adopted two children; one girl, a holy terror, and a sweet little boy. Dr. P. is older and somewhat wiser now, but seems to be over-correcting.

Happy Sunday. ❤️

Carrie

Dear Marj,

I'm glad you have that report. Having answers bring relief, for they settle the unknowns that cause our mind to be in a state of unrest. Having Callie's lab reports changed nothing, but I needed to know. You needed to have those ER reports even more than I needed Callie's lab reports. Yes, you did need to be there for his goodbye moments, for that was important to you. Traumatic is definitely the word for your experience. It's SO awful.

I'm happy you saw your lovely butterfly. Your talking about your flower patch makes me want to see it. I can almost see your garden in my mind.

Peace to your heart,

Carrie

Like I said a few months ago, Kay, let's you and me go raid Anne's refrigerator. We know she has chocolate somewhere. I don't trust myself to read a dessert cookbook, for I might eat the pictures. I don't think I'm going to go off the deep end and drop to 98 pounds this time. I scared myself back then when Jerry first got sick. I'm more in danger of becoming a butterball now. Amberly gave herself until tomorrow to pull herself together work-wise, so I'll give myself until tomorrow to rein in my voracious appetite.

I wish we could host a gathering of our forum family here. That would be fun. This would be a good time for since I'm on a "Food" diet. Seriously, someday, perhaps we can meet somewhere. There was a time when I could have said, "Y'all come 'own' in. The coffee pot's 'own.'"

Yes, we do have this hope of being with our furbabies again. God has such wonderful things planned for us that we can't even imagine them. He said so. I think our furbabies will be among the happy surprises He has waiting for us. Our forum friends are among our blessings while we wait. We wait together, and support each other as do the wild geese (Anne shared video). I wish they were safe from the hunters' guns. They are such special creatures in how they stay together, and protect each other. Jerry and I have a pair of ceramic geese on our dresser, for we have likened ourselves to a "goose couple" for a long time.

Carrie, we looked at your photos of Chester yesterday, because there were some that Amberly hadn't seen. The one with his head out the window is hilarious. You have a book in that boy of yours, I tell you. I am just beginning to know him, yet I can look at his photos and give you a story that didn't even happen .

❤️ To all,

Carrie

Dear Fae,

Your writing is very encouraging to me as I (almost frantically sometimes) try to store up Hope. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart. I wish you wellness and peace.

Carrie

We absolutely love your "Lessons of the Geese"! Thank you.

Carrie

Dear Anne,

Jerry, Amberly, and I enjoyed your videos today. Thank you for blessing our lives with such beauty released from your heart and soul.

Carrie

Precious and highly-valued Friends,

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote:

"Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not the goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returneth,

Was not spoken of the soul."

Callie's spirit flew away to her Creator who also created our world of beauty and hope. We all must somehow grasp and hold onto Hope.

For now, my heart feels bruised, bloody, and battered, yet because I've experienced losses of different kinds, including spousal loss by suicide, I know this wet-noodle-legged stage will give way to greater functionality, and then to greater peace.

I'd really like to skip this heart-wrenching pain part, but to live life fully, suffering is a necessary part of it. I hate it, yet wouldn't want to miss living life fully. My words sound contradictory, yet I think there's truth in there somewhere. My mind is too fuzzy to give voice to it. My thoughts are too slippery for me to hold onto today.

Amberly changed her ER duty to next weekend, so she is home with us. We all need family time today. We listened to "A Place in the Choir," together, and wept until we could cry no more. We've also laughed hard as we've remembered happy memories with Callie and all of our babies. I think we had an unplanned wake for Callie.

As deep and painful as this hurt is, it is a precursor and a reminder of an even worse hurt yet to come. I wonder how I will ever manage, for it feels like I cannot. I know the only possible answer ~ it is with God and "With a Little Help from My Friends."

During my last visit with my doctor, he said that he was happy that I had gained a pound. He's going to be downright delighted when I have my next visit, for I'm eating everything that resembles food. I'm in love with cookies. Amberly says that I've never met a cookie I didn't like. I have no cookies, but Graham crackers with peanut butter make a good substitute. I really must get a grip. My doctor is a big, stout Hawaiian man. I tell him that I'm plenty big enough for a Scots-Irish woman. I was nowhere happy about that definitely unneeded, ungainly, and unplanned gained pound. Amberly is laughing at me, because she knows I almost have to lie on my back to zip my britches like in the "olden days" when this was deliberate.

How I wish I could have eaten for our wee Callie girl! Now that I've had that thought, I must go and ride out another wave of grief. I live in California, but I'm no Surfer Girl!

I love and appreciate each one of you with all my heart. We thank you so much for holding us up through this very difficult time. I will see you on other threads. May our Lord hold each of you tenderly as you grieve for your own precious fur babies. We understand each other.

Warm hugs,

Carrie

❤️

Callie is Home with her Creator now, and at home with us also. She is between Ashely and Catey on the bookcase, and next to my doll who is the real "Lady Carrie," a gift from Jerry. Jerry, Amberly, and I wept together in a group hug, and then I set her in her special place. I thank each of you for being here with us. We love you for it, especially since you've reached out to us during your own time of grief. Perhaps soon I'll be able to share happy memories on the thread our other Carrie started. Love to all.

Again, I thank each of you, and each of you is precious and dear to our hearts. This has really been a hard day. Some days are "difficult." This one is just plain "hard," but nothing like yesterday. Gully-washing tears day. Waves of hurt wash over us as we remember. I found Callie's yucky KD food in the refrigerator door, and that made my breath catch.

Amberly has Callie now, and will be bringing her home with her after work today. I'm anxious (not meaning eager). I want her home, yet I dread seeing her in such a little box. That's going to tear our hearts in two, but then relief and a sense of rightness will come. This happened with Ashely, so it's what we expect, and hope for. Amberly said that Callie's engraved plaque will be ready next week. She and Ashely are in identical cedar boxes, and Catey is in a slightly different style of cedar box. Catey Elizabeth died on 4 July 2000, just after the births of Ashely, Beauregard, and Callie in San Diego. We really hope Beauregard will stay with us for a long time, for its difficult to think of our being Doxieless.

Jackie gave Amberly Ashely's paw prints today. I had left them at the crematorium on purpose, for I cannot look at them yet. I don't want to see Callie's either. Amberly feels differently, so I asked her to put them away for me for now. What comforts one, can bring pain to another, but you guys know this already. I didn't ask for the paw prints to be made, but bless Jackie's compassionate heart, she made them as a gift for me. Someday perhaps, but not today.

Amberly said that she's not her best with her patient care today, so she's delegated a lot of it. She'll need to pull herself together before Saturday, because she's scheduled to work ER this weekend. If she is unable, she won't do it for the patients' sake.

A good friend reminded me today that Callie has lived fifteen years. And the point is? He didn't mean any harm, and I'm not angry. I can say hurtful things in ignorance also.

Kay, you asked about Jerry. The good news is that both lesions on his neck were basal cell rather than squamous cell. The surgeon doesn't believe the lump is serious, but wants to watch it for a while. He told Jerry to "quit playing with it" or "nothing might turn into something."

Jerry got my text telling him that the vet had arrived just as he was going into the exam room yesterday. When the doctor asked how he was, Jerry handed him the phone to read my text. The doctor said that he truly understood the hurting, for he has experienced it. Jerry was his last patient, so he pulled up a chair and visited as his friend for about an hour.

When Jerry got home from getting his stitches out, he told me that he had asked the surgeon to give me a call at home to give me his report, because he himself wouldn't understand it. Jerry told him that it might be a good idea to wait a little while before calling me after the vet left. He asked Jerry if he should wait for a couple of hours before calling. Jerry said, "If you don't mind, that would be good." I looked across the living room to Amberly and said, "He has no idea what he's asking." She smiled at his innocence, and agreed. Jerry said, "Is there a problem with my asking?" He got concerned he'd done something wrong. I told him,"Doctors don't do that anymore." Jerry sees him as his friend who happens to be a surgeon, so didn't realize he had been presumptuous. He not only asked him to call, but at about 6 p.m., he asked him to wait two hours so as to not disturb me. I cringed, although the doctor has been a good friend since the 1970s. The doctor called me from his home. I asked Amberly to take the call for me, because I wasn't doing so well right then. He said, "Jerry told me to call, so I'm calling." He was very sweet. He asked Amberly, "How are you, Dear?" He's known her since she was a kid. There wasn't a lot to report medically, so he talked about our loss of Callie and work and such for a while. He told her that he agreed with me that Jerry should soap the area where the lump is, and check it only once or twice a month. Amberly told him that "will be rough on Daddy's OCD." He'd noticed that Jerry was unstable walking yesterday. I was concerned about him going without me. I was so pulled. He decided with me that I needed to stay with Amberly.

We had planned to transplant three maple trees that have grown in containers for a few years today since we have help this week. I feel like I have just have to go "somewhere/anywhere" today, or "do something," but Jerry doesn't feel well. My way to help myself was to go dig a hole (a BIG hole), and plant something (have grief-weak, but restless legs; can't stay still). I thought it would be good to get Jerry outside also. He said that he didn't feel up to it. I had it all organized. I asked him if he could walk to the yard just to supervise. He tried, but couldn't. He said that he will try again tomorrow.

His equilibrium is bad. Amberly told me last night, and again this morning, that she is worried about him. Grief is making everything that hurts him hurt worse. He lay on the couch most of the day, except to eat his lunch. He couldn't stay awake. Maybe tomorrow will be better for him. I did walk around the front yard for a few minutes, pulled three weeds, and sat on the front deck for a few minutes and let the sun bake me a bit. What I need is a good 90-minute massage with hot packs.

I am dreading going down into the hollow again. I must meet this challenge soon. I'll likely be all right after I do it. Beauregard thinks the entire yard is his, and it was through his benevolence that he permitted Callie and me our special trails. He also thinks all the strawberry patches are his, although we planted them years ago before he was born, for the birds. He noses around in the plants for strawberries, and we are entertained watching him as he checks his crops.

Blessings and hugs to all,

Carrie

Thank you all ~ each and every one ~ for your kind words, which I just read to Jerry. We both are crying tears of gratitude for your care and friendship.

Callie is on her way to the crematorium to be cremated this afternoon by the person who cremated Ashely. She's a tender, compassionate woman. We are blessed to have her. She was particularly kind to us with Ashely, for she knew Ashely died too soon and suffered greatly due to the actions of a vet who allowed his ego to override his good judgment. The vet who came here to euthanize Ashely told her the truth on him when she brought Ashely to the crematorium for us.

This day is a HARD one, for sure and certain. We will get through it, and will feel relief when we get Callie back home where she belongs. She will take her place beside Ashely and Catey Elizabeth on the bookcase in Sonspot, a small sitting room that joins our bedroom. They're in plain sight from our bed. They'll be home together, as they've been all their little lives. We hurt so badly, yet we are at peace in our hearts and minds.

We choose to forgive the vets who failed be here as they said they would. They could have prevented Callie from suffering and seizuring through the night when the streets are rolled up in our small community. We suspect the tech never told our vet Callie was suffering, for he is so tender-hearted that I've seen him cry when he euthanized a dog one Christmas Eve (not ours). If he knew, yet didn't come, perhaps he had another emergency, or a series of them (surgeries?), at the same time. Perhaps the vets had good reasons for not coming that we aren't aware of yet. They are both good people. One is out of state on vacation, we think, and that is certainly understandable. Forgiveness is a conscious choice of the will. We might hear the echoes of the Bell of Hurt and Anger still ringing, but those will fade in time. We know that Grief, Anger, and Fear are an unholy and ugly trio who will insist on visiting us for a while. Love is more powerful, and will boot them out at the right time for us.

Amberly just texted that she's seen Callie just now, and that the vet's office did an excellent job. They put her in a curled, sleeping position like normal, and wrapped her in a floral pillowcase. She's wrapped in her own blankie she loved so much. Amberly says that she feels better after seeing how professional and compassionately she was wrapped. Her name is printed on her and her container in full: Calico Rose Hall (not her full registered name, but her family name; this is as we wanted it). Amberly said, "She looks so sweet," and that she couldn't hold back her sobs. She spoke with Jackie, the one who will do her (private) cremation. Jackie remembered Ashely, and all that happened to her. She assured Amberly that she will take very special care of Callie as well, for she understands how we love our girls. We've lost them both in nine months. It just seems impossible. How quiet our house is without them. We must give Beauregard extra attention, for his life changed yet again also.

Warm hugs to all, and may the Lord be with each one. He understands our pain, for He suffered far worse pain than we will will ever need to, and for love for us all.

Carrie

Truly, God is SO good. He answered our prayers. We can hardly believe that considering Callie screamed even to have her ear touched even after vet got here, and was awake looking at us, Callie went to Heaven to find Ashely easily. This is all I can write for now. Must go to Amberly. Pray for us, please.

Dear all,

Thank each of you for your kindness to my family and me, and for your prayers.

From the beginning, we had two vet's who told us they would come here when we told them that it's Time. We learned our first choice will be away until August 4. We called the second choice, and her tech said that she is out of the office. There wasn't a chance of her being called at home. We've called the vet who has been in Hawaii, and although he is in his office, the tech will only leave messages on his desk. Amberly called his office again, and pleaded with the tech to just tell the vet and that' it's Callie who is suffering. She said that she would tell him, but he has a full schedule. She said that we could bring her to the office and wait. Callie cannot endure that. Amberly told her that Callie screams in pain when we move her, or even touch her ear (literally). The tech said, "Oh, you're requesting a house call. He will call you sometime after 2:30." It is now 5:10.

We are giving buprexex, and dissolved Valium by syringe. This helps, but not enough for this death to be easy. I tried so hard to keep this from happening. Unlike Ashely, Callie "crashed" suddenly.

I trusted that at least one of the two vet's who said they'd come "whenever" we were ready to do what they promised. Callie let me know When, but there was no help available. We called when we realized Callie had gone off her food. I believe we called at the right time for Callie; even so, our worst kidney disease nightmare is happening. Because Callie screams at the lightest of touches, there's little hope her death will be easy. Amberly and I anticipate she will die screaming. This time yesterday, she had her walk. It's been over 24 hours since we've been trying to get a vet here.

Our programmer is here, so he took Jerry to the surgeon in Modesto to get his stitches removed, and to check a lump Jerry just discovered in the tissue of his right breast ( ! ). I could hardly bear to let Jerry go without me, yet I couldn't leave Amberly alone with Callie. I told Mark to not leave Jerry's side until he brings him home to me. If we can't get the vet to come tonight . . . Well, I don't even know how to finish that statement.

This one is going to be hard to deal with. Right now, I'm just trying to hold myself together, for at any moment, against all I believe is right, I may need to take a crying Callie to a vet ~ somewhere. Perhaps to Modesto, and they won't allow us to even stay with her there.

Vet on the phone now. He's coming now. Dear God, I can't bear this

Carrie

Thank you so much for caring. Callie's getting worse, and in pain. Given buprenex. Amberly's crying her heart out, and now, I just found Jerry in another room blowing his nose. She went from walking our walk to pain within a few hours. Prayerfully, the buprenex will cause her to sleep until morning.

Warm hugs, dear Anne. Thank you. I look forward to watching and listening soon. ❤️

Callie threw up her supper last night, along with two square, flat, dark charcoal-gray rocks. Within these rocks were what looked like even smaller, finely-ground white/light-colored rocks. We haven't seen such rocks in our yard, but there must have been two. There is no explanation for rock-eating, except she's a Doxie. I've never known her to eat one rock, and certainly not two. She hasn't been in the yard alone in at two weeks. These rocks are a mystery.

Callie appears to have gone off her food. She has refused everything I've offered her since supper last night. She did drink some water today. She's begun to have clear diarrhea as of this afternoon, but in tiny amounts since there's nothing in her stomach. She's urinating, but not a lot. There will be no more boluses.

Because we need a good vet who we trust to be on standby, we tried to reach the vet who came here for Ashely in October. She is out of town until August 4! Our vet who we've liked for decades is still unavailable, I think. He was as of Saturday anyway. We like the vet who is taking his place, but we don't know how good she is for what we need her to do. I hate this SO badly that I'm struggling to not even write the word.

Callie is uncomfortable, but mostly just sleeps. She's not in agony. I'm trying to arrange things so she won't become in agony, or have seizures, yet keep her until we must let her go.

About 2 p.m., I carried Callie to the Hollow intending to take her on her/my favorite trail around the property one more time, for other than laser light, this is her very favorite thing to do. When I stood her onto her feet in the Hollow at our starting point, she sat flat on her bottom, and couldn't even begin. I picked her up, and she snuggled her head into my neck. The bright sunlight made her keep her eyes nearly shut to totally shut while we were out. I carried her and talked to her about many happy memories we've shared as I walked our trail for us both, with tears rolling down my face as I tried to sound happy for her. She looked around enough to know where she was part of the time. I found a place at the end of the Hollow where I could hide from Jerry behind some cedar trees and cried. As sick as she is, she tried to comfort me, which grabbed my heart hard. I brought her back inside, and put her in her bed to rest.

About 5:30 p.m., I took her out again. I had not intended this, but she seemed more alert. It had cooled down, and the sun had dipped below the tops of the tallest trees, shading a 12-degree incline driveway (think treadmill) that she and I use as our workout (she always thought it was a game just for her). I took her back to the hollow, which is always our starting place, and set her onto her feet. This time, she was interested, and could stand up on her wobbly little legs. She really wanted to take her walk, so she tried hard. We very slowly walked down the trail in the hollow, across the yard, and even climbed the driveway, except the highest five feet. She walked back down, and to the steps that lead to Jerry's office, and said, "Pick me up, please." I was quite surprised that she even wanted to finish our walk as usual. I gave her much praise, and she wagged her tail. She was proud of herself, as she should be.

As I brought her through Jerry's shop, she seemed happy to see her other bed, toys, and familiar things. On a whim, I reached up and got the laser light from a shelf and let her see it. She got so happy to see it. I set her on the floor, and turned it on. She chased it part way across the room and back, and told me that was enough fun for the day.

I offered her water, but she refused to drink. And still refuses water and food.

Thank you all for hearing my heart, for I hurt. We are all hurting in the Hall household tonight.

Carrie

Dear Micki,

My heart hurts for you, and I wish I knew just the right words to give you the most comfort. I just want you to know I care that you are hurting, and missing your Don so much. I admire you for your positive attitude while in the midst of such powerful pain.

I am happy to hear you are anticipating what God has in store for you. You are looking to the right and best Source. I wish you well in whatever you decide to do. It does sound like you are ready for a change from your work environment. Retirement is a huge step, but we usually know when it's time to change, or quit for good. Some of us retire a few times before its permanent. That's all right also.

Getting the legal things behind you will be a blessing, and a relief.

May God continue leading you, and may He bless you in all your endeavors. You are right in saying that you are not alone on this very long road. We will be here to walk with you.

Blessings,

Carrie

Callie ate her lunch after the third menu I offered her. Chicken has always been her favorite food, so she ate 2.5 ounces of chicken and one bite of potato. I'll call that a meal. I couldn't get her to do much more than soak her tongue in the water though. She did drink a little, perhaps a half ounce.

I think I told you that the toxins are causing her to have some strange behaviors such as threatening to bite anyone who approaches whoever is holding her. Today, she stayed in her bed under the light underneath my desk while we ate lunch. I thought she'd want in my lap, but she wanted to sleep in her bed instead. After I washed dishes, I came back toward my desk intending to hold her while I work at my computer, but she wouldn't let me get close to my chair.

She sat in her bed with her cutest look on her face ~ the one she used to have when she was a puppy ~ the one that made us fall in love with her at first sight. Her head was cocked to the side, and she just looked at me sort of inquisitively until I'd try to approach. I think she recognized me, but I'm not sure. She seemed to say, "You look nice enough, and I really don't want to bite you, but you must not come any closer."

I sat in Jerry's chair at the tea table a few feet away, and tried to appear non-threatening. I glanced at her rather than look directly into her eyes and waited. Dogs often take offense, or feel challenged, by a direct look into their eyes, especially if they're "weirded out." She finally rushed at me as though to chew a hole in my leg, but didn't attempt to bite me after she reached me. Instead, she wagged her tail, and I picked her up. It's like it didn't even happen now.

Carrie

Carrie,

Truly, Marty is right, and said it perfectly.

Such a short, but happy and fun life Chester had with you. God gave him to just the right person for him.

Your heart was ripped in two, and hearts take a long time to begin to mend. Be patient with yourself. We will walk with you, and will help hold you up. You and Chester bring laughter into our lives, and you both are blessings to us. You are uplifting us and holding us up by your sense of humor ~ and his. I hope you will continue to share photos and stories of your curly-haired boy.

Carrie

Dear Marj,

Gb is so beautiful, and like Marty said, it's nice to hear your lovely voice. I know your own hurt is raw, so thank you for reaching out to me.

Every cat must have a box. That is an unwritten law, I'm quite sure, especially if you can believe a cat (and we do ~ sometimes). We used to have a cat named "D.G.," and he liked his box to be on top of our freezer. He could reach down and slap us on the head as we walked by. We should have known DG was going to be fun, because he was born on May 1 (May Day), a whole day after the births of his siblings.

D.G. was Amberly's cat. We got him from the manager of a business that Jerry automated when Amberly was ten. The manager and his wife, Garlan and Shirley, were friends of ours. On our way home, Amberly decided to name her cat Darling Garlan. Jerry told her that he absolutely refused to call that cat Darling Garlan, so she settled on "D.G." (Garlan loved the story, and enjoyed visits with his namesake).

Amberly and I had flown to the job site with Jerry in a little Cessna, so DG's first ride was in a plane. He wasn't afraid, and didn't get sick at all, and for these things, we were thankful. There's not much room to get away from a terrified cat in a Cessna.

I went back to the place where you posted "A Place in the Choir" by Celtic Thunder today, and Jerry and I listened to it today with hurting-but-happy hearts. How very appropriate this song is for so many of us at this time. Thank you again for posting it. I'm holding onto the belief that our babies do have a place in God's choir. Heaven is a very real place, and we will see them again. While we wait to be called Home, God gave us to each other for comfort. My heart is grateful for each one here.

I send you warm hugs,

Carrie

Dear Forum Family,

You are right, Anne, in saying that we all love our fur babies, and in all you said. It is because of our shared love that we feel a kinship with each other, and understand each other's joys and hurts. I am indeed grateful for each of you, and for this forum.

Thank you, Marty, for permission to scream out loud. I sometimes feel like I'm about to "bust" (due to Jerry and babies), but have yet to find a good place for screaming. If I scream inside, I'll shatter Jerry's nerves and he'll call our doctor; if I scream outside, "they'll" come and haul me off. Thank you for providing a place for me to scream with words. I'm a bit reluctant, because my words will cause others pain. I really don't want to do that.

Callie has yet to bounce back after her bolus yesterday. She seemed more energetic after we got home from the vet's office, and she enjoyed her turkey and carrots. She ate very little breakfast today. For lunch, I offered her almost the same meal as she had for lunch yesterday, because she likes turkey a lot. She refused the turkey, but enjoyed her fresh carrots and a couple of bites of yellow squash. She refused her mashed potatoes. Like with Ashely, her food now tastes like the horrible taste that stays in her mouth (I'm told this, and that she's associating the food with the nausea, so avoids it). I can only imagine, for her breath smells horrible. I do hope I'm not being too graphic. I'm writing as I think.

Callie's lying in my lap in a towel, and she feels so light. She's supposed to weigh nine and a half pounds; not eight. She's not moving around. She's just sleeping quietly.

Neither Amberly nor I like the look in her eyes today. Her eyes look sad, and she just wants to be held. As I told Amberly, it's possible that by tomorrow, she might want to eat, play, and go for a walk in the hollow with me. It is possible. Perhaps she just needs time to rest after her traumatic experience at the vet's office yesterday.

Each of us here knows what it's like to ride the rollercoaster called Grief. I'd say I want it to stop and let us off, but when it does, we won't have Callie with us.

Blessings,

Carrie

I didn't know Kitty was 20, Kay! We've never been blessed to have one that long. Beautiful cat. I am a cat person. Jerry became allergic to them, so I can't have one. I'll just enjoy those of others, and I love the photos shared on the forum. Thank you for sharing your photos.

Carrie

I love the photo of Arlie and Bruno, Kay. Such friendship and such fun. Happy days. I know you love Arlie with all your heart. Both dogs are truly beautiful.

I couldn't get your video on my iPad, Carrie. I'll try to get it on my computer whenever I can get a chance to start it. If I can't, will you send it to me by email, please?

Carrie