Within a span of eight months, I lost my father (6/3/05) and my mother (2/10/06). Both were ill for about 4 years...hospitalizations, rehab, long term care facilities...then home for both with hospice care. I am numb...having gone through the entire process including executor twice now. I was at both of their bedsides as they left this world...and I am haunted and afraid..and extremely sad...still. It's almost like post traumatic stress syndrome. I had to be very strong for my mother who was too ill to do anything except breathe when my dad passed away.I took care of all of it...arrangements, obituary, burial, memorial...bills...and tried to take care of Mom through it all. My dear, dear best friend and mother then left me all too soon. I prayed that she would not suffer any longer...and then the Lord answered my prayers and took her. I am almost in shock as I don't think I was really prepared. But like a mechanical robot, I went through all the same motions...arrangements, obituary, telephone calls, burial, estate administration....on and on. I feel totally alone although my husband has been very strong for me. I have no one to confid in...no one to give me guidance...I have lost my very best friend in the whole world. I question whether the decisions made were the right ones...I second guess myself....I try to be sociable...I am trying to "get a life"...but all I want to do is be alone and cry. My sister (7 yrs. younger and out of state) has jumped off the deep end, is ending her third marriage...having taken up with a younger married man with a 1 yr. old child. I cannot worry about her...she and I have never been particularly close...I only try to help her through her financial decisions and I don't really hear from her until she wants more money. That's it for family...except my two golden retrievers and the world's best cat. They have been neglected for so long...as I have had to leave sometimes unexpectedly and often for a stretch of a few days at a time. They sense the stress and depression. I keep reminding my self that they live in the moment. They don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow...they only live for today. I wish I could be that way too. I am tired of being strong for other people. Even our youngest son...college...was picked up for a dui. I have had to deal with that, secure a lawyer for him...naviagate through this nightmare too. I just want to crawl under the covers and never come out. When does it stop hurting??? I keep reliving those final minutes...although peaceful...it was also very traumatic for me. I am scared to death and am now the matriarch of this very small family. I will be a first time grandmother on the anniversary of my mother's death. How bittersweet is that? Life goes on. It was so difficult cleaning out my parents' home...sorting through so many precious memories..forcing myself to make decisions on what to part with...what to keep. It took weeks. The day I took a final walk through the empty house...checking all cabinets and closets...my final check was the hot water heater closet. There, up on the shelf...by itself was a small picture book...a very odd place for a photo album. I opened the cover and there was my name written by my sweet mother. As sick as she was, she had surprised me by putting a photo album together of my pictures...from the time I was a baby laying on my father's chest...to adulthood with my then living grandparents. I couldn't even look through it...I felt so undeserving...having fussed about all the work involved...I was devestated...even now I cry when I think about that selfless act. She must have known how difficult it would be for me...I want her back so badly....I miss her terribly.
