My Dad died Feb. 12th, after a 2 year battle with Pancreatic cancer. My feelings are very overwhelming right now -- plus I'm exhausted from everything -- including caregiving, packing and dealing with things at his house, and travel (we drove back home almost 3,000 miles). I'll be getting back to my depression support group today, and my counseling Thursday. But I found this group and decided to come here. Dad was in Hospice care in his home and I was able to be there staying right with him the last month -- plus during the last whole week my aunt and my brother moved right in and we worked around the clock together which was a huge blessing! But there was a 24 hour period where despite calling the nurses often and having the doctor even come to the house, it took too long to get his symptoms (difficulity breathing and horrible congestion that would not come up or go down) under control and it was VERY traumatic -- I am having trouble with recurring memories of that -- but I am trying so hard to begin to remember the better days and focus less on the end. And, after the doctor did come, the very next day, we got a different nurse who really got things straightened out and the doctor ordered something a pain patch - and that relieved dads symptoms totally but then he died within 24 hours of that.
Anyway. My husband and I are back home now in another state farther away from my family once again -- and I will travel back to be there for the spreading of Dads ashes and to see everyone -- probably fairly soon. So, I need to be okay. I've always wanted to live there (up North) but my husband doesn't want to live there and I admit to liking the winters better here.
I think I just have so much to process at once because the last 2 years have been a blur of travel and stress and concern and dad had a lot of treatments, surgery, appointments, declines and then one really good remission last spring/summer which was why I was back home at the time when he had a serious decline -- in December and in January I went back to help.
I get exhausted really fast -- and I get so horribly angry and irritable I've never been like that -- all of a sudden i can't hear another single word my husband has to say -- and I miss my family but I had a lot of time with them -- 4 weeks and 3 days with them after Dad died. Which is more than I would have had under normal circumstances but I am not "working" right now and my husband is retired. I should be grateful for all the blessings but mostly I'm just overwhelmed.
I was able to bring a lot of things with me - from the house - so there are reminders of dad everywhere. I miss him so much, I miss BEFORE the cancer came and piled on such stress and difficulty on him and all of us.
3 months before dads diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, my motherinlaw (who lived with us) died in hospice of a different type of cancer. She had to be in a nursing home at the very end though - so it was not around the clock care.
Sorry this is so long. It is all pretty raw right now. here in my home, I keep thinking of things to tell dad about and then remembering I can't call him anymore. Dad was only 73. I am 51 right now. I t hought I was stronger spiritually and that my faith and beliefs would help but -- nothing helps right now. I will be sure to keep my appointment Thursday and I will go tonight to the group. i think part of my feelings right now have to do with fear because I don't think I could handle much more right now -- but there are things that need to be done and the travel back will come soon when we will do the hike to scatter his ashes. i want to be able to function for everything.
i guess that's all for now. I don't know where to start on trying to heal and carry on.
