Hi, I'm new here. I lost my significant other on March 20th to metastatic cancer; and had to put my 15 year-old dog to
sleep a month later on April 25th. My "husband" (we were not legally married in the eyes of the state) was with me for 30 years.
They were both the loves of my life, human and canine, and now I look around
and I'm like "Where'd everybody go?!"
We had to wait two months to have my husband's funeral and memorial because his
daughter was pregnant and not allowed to travel (lives far away). We had him cremated even though he didn't
really want to be (he had mentioned once, in passing, that he didn't want to be cremated). His cancer diagnosis was missed
and overlooked until it was too late. He was in and out of hospitals and medical appointments for the entire year of 2014 and
no one caught his cancer, they were treating all kinds of stupid small ailments. When he started sleeping 21 hours a day and
not eating, I brought him to the doctor and they declared that he had cancer and it had spread everywhere. They kept telling us
that he could have chemo and it would extend his life up to a year. But there were all kinds of prep appointments, having a port
put in, all kinds of tests, etc. and by the time that was all done and he was scheduled for his FIRST chemo appointment, he was so
weak he couldn't even walk. We got to the first chemo appointment, only to be told to go home and start hospice because chemo
would no longer work! After he went through the surgery to have the port put in and everything -- the port was NEVER used!!!
I'm so angry. They sent him home and said he'd STILL have three months to live. He died THREE DAYS LATER. Three DAYS,
not three months! During that time, we had decided to get married. We were told he had a year to live, so we figured we'd plan
a nice private wedding in our living room and then have a party later. But he was too weak and we had to cancel the justice of the
peace a few times. We never ended up getting legally married.
Last weekend, on May 16th, we had his ashes buried, and had a huge, huge, huge memorial party. People came from all over.
He was a well-known business man and had connections and friends all over the world. Anyway, it was a beautiful party, and people kept
telling me "wow, this is like a WEDDING." As my heart broke each time someone said those words, I just wore a smile like my mom always
told me to, but I was dying over and over again, inside. I had people from both families staying at my house for the weekend. When they
left last Sunday, I cried for 7 hours without stopping. I knew this was the period at the end of the sentence. That everything would be
different from then on. That the "funeral" had finally happened, and the other shoe had finally dropped. It was hell waiting to have the
funeral for two months. I would not recommend that!
As far as my dog, he was the canine love of my life. I have two younger dogs, and three cats, thank goodness. They are my lifeline.
I don't know what I'd do without my pets. I have no human children.
I'm running the family business with my step-son and it is hard. We've both worked there forever, so it's not anything new, except now
my partner (his dad) is gone. It sucks. We aggrieved are not supposed to make major life changes in the first year (or two), and all I want to do is leave
that job and go do something else. I'm still waiting for the court to appoint me executor of the estate. It's taking FOR-EVER. And then
we still have to wait a year before we can finalize anything.... his estate is extremely complicated, and his will was very un-specific other
than a few small things, including my being named executor. I honestly don't know how I'm going to afford all of the bills, the attorneys, and
how to execute his estate while running the corporation at the same time!
Everyone keeps saying I am holding up remarkably well. I even went to a bereavement group the other night and the chaplain running
the group said that. I'm not TRYING to hold up remarkably well. It just is what it is. I sit here with tears in my eyes when I'm alone.
I cry and sob when I'm alone, or if something reminds me of either of my guys. I'm honestly not walking around smiling all the time,
but what the heck ELSE am I supposed to do? Everyone's like "oh my, you are SO STRONG!" I just want them shut the eff up stop saying that!
I'm not trying to win an award or something. Honestly, I just wish people would keep their opinions to themselves. I am not trying to impress them.
I am just BEING myself and trying to live my life that has been turned upside down and backwards. They have no idea what this is like.
No idea at all. My whole world has been shattered.
