5Gaits

I am new to this website, I just posted the first time ever last night, which was just 9 days from when my Mike died. Mike and I were planning to get married this August 23rd. The wedding rings, bought together last year were left at the jewelers, in their safe, to be sure they were pristine and beautiful for our wedding day. Since our wedding day will come and Mike and I will not meet under the chuppah, I am not sure what I should do about the wedding rings. One person said to me, "Well, it really doesn't matter since you were not yet married." Another said, "Just return his and sell yours since it was custom (my hands and fingers are very small and slender)." Others, like his adult children think since the rings were paid for on paper in his name, they would never consider that perhaps I may have paid for those as an investment in our life together. How can they think those rings are then theirs to sell off for immediate profit. I want to ask all of those helpful people, is that the direction you would like to hear from people after you spend your life, years, decades or just hours with someone you love with all that you are? People are so insensitive, the wedding ring whether not worn like the ones Mike and I had purchased or yours from your marriage to your love of your life, are a symbol of your love, your commitment and the eternal circle of your committed love to each other. I applaud all of you for the love that you have for that special person in your life. Love your mutual wedding rings whether it's resized to fit your hand, on a chain or tucked away safely - temporarily replaced by a token of your love and memories such as the whale piece on a lovely chain. Thank you for sharing your commitment to each other and your story of how the wedding ring in your life was not something you took lightly or threw in a drawer or melted down for immediate profit.

Anne, Thank you so much for your kind and reassuring words. My journey, the path that I hope will help me heal from this loss, is a path I have walked before. Two years ago, I lost my father. Mike was by my side and I believe I couldn't have handled my father's death without the strength and love Mike provided constantly. Prior to that, I lost my mother to breast cancer Mother's Day 2008. Mike was the person I knew I could rely on for help, reassurance and kindness. But suddenly, I am looking for Mike in so many ways. You are so correct when you spoke about the difficult months ahead. Right now, I just have to try to go hour to hour. Sometimes I need to crawl into my bed and tuck in under a big soft down comforter. It might be hot outside right now, but the comforter surrounds me and feels snuggly. I turn toward Mike's pillows, hoping he is there. I walk into the closet, I feel his clothing, his clothes smell good, familiar - they smell like Mike. I miss him so very much. I have a therapist, and I am seeing her weekly. In additon, maybe there is another resource as I feel so alone, so very lonely. My daughter has been away out of the country and is not aware of any of this tragedy occurring. In mid-August she will return. I will have to live the emotion again, hoping to help her accept this huge loss.

My fiance Mike was hospitalized in Mid-June for an infection that went to his spine. It affected his walking, his brain and he had so much pain. But he rallied back and at the end of June he started to walk without a walker, my Mike was getting well. The discharge date was set for July 3rd, his 67th birthday, he would come home to me and we would get him well together. We were going to have dinner in his room, he was on a Rehab floor. Mike thought he might like some roast chicken for dinner, so I told him on the way there, I would stop and call him when I was leaving the market with the chicken. I was in the market less than 5 minutes, and the hospital was 10 minutes away. When I got off of the elevator, I walked into the door area of his room. I was sure I was on the wrong floor and had gone to the wrong room. But then, I realized, through the doctor's and nurses trying to resuscitate him, I heard "Charging" and then "Clear!".. It was surreal, how could this be, Mike was so healthy, he had no heart issues - it was like a nightmare happening in slow motion. They got his heart restarted and they were going to the cardiac cath lab, he was there for a short time, they moved quickly with the plan to take him to the operating room for a bypass surgery. On July 7th, after learning his heart attack was a Widow Maker type with a very low survival rate, his family and I discontinued his life support. He died 24 hours later - July 8,2015, Days after his 67th birthday and the day before my teenage daughter was turning 18. If his death wasn't hard enough, we were just 6 weeks from our wedding day. It was going to be a second marriage for each of us. We were starting life all over again and we were both so happy that we were able to do so. Life looked like it would be an adventure that we as husband and wife, best friends, the love of my life would do together as we were inseparable. To add to the difficulty, He had been dead only moments when greed took over his adult children. Children who are in their 40's - not Jr High mean girls. To this day, that has not resolved, they are directing so much anger at me. I didn't take away their father, death did. I feel lost, exhausted, like I want to vomit.I can't eat and if I try to sleep I have horrible nightmares that make no sense. I am heartbroken, this man was the love of my life, a gentle, kind, young late 60's man. I miss him so much, I would give anything for one more kiss, a touch, to fall asleep on his left shoulder, listening to his heart as I had so many nights. Feeling safe, loved and knowing that he was so happy to be holding me as we fell asleep. I am not sure how I will put one foot in front of the other; now, tomorrow, or for the rest of my life.