MissingMalibu

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I too am going thru the same thing, I know exactly how you feel

I just had to put my baby boy Malibu of 15yrs to sleep just 2 days ago. I dont know how to handle this. I keep feeling angry and guilty and questioning my decision wondering if he had more time, if it was too soon, feeling like he thought maybe I was betraying him or didnt love him enough or maybe I shouldve tried harder. My brain just wont stop. I keep remembering those last few minutes and it breaks my heart and remembering that last tear that rolled out of his eye as he slipped away. I can literally feel my heart breaking My Malibu was a mix of Pit, Lab and Chow. I had him for 15yrs, from the moment he came out of his mommys belly I knew that was my baby boy. He was always such a happy boy. Since last Winter he has been having issues with his back legs going out to where he could barely get up and walk. He still tried to get around though by pulling himself with his front legs. He got to the point where when his back legs went out he couldnt control his bowels and he was having accidents regularly and even just laying in it cause he couldnt get up. He fell down the steps to the basement twice and I had to carry him up. Some days he looked so tired and embarrassed like he just couldnt take it anymore and he was done. Other days it seemed like he wasnt ready and trying so hard to be normal. He still ate like normal most days, still loved treats and attention. I finally made the decision to have him put to sleep because I knew he probably wouldnt make it thru another winter and I was afraid of finding him hurt from a fall or getting stuck outside and freezing to death. I cant get those last few moments out of my head, like he wasnt ready or that I was betraying him. Maybe he had some time left. I just dont know what to do. My daughter and I keep thinking we are strong and doing okay and then we just break down. I know its only been 2 days and its expected but I just dont know how to handle this. Its killing me. Im just so mad at myself thinking I shouldve tried harder but I know there was nothing to help him. We would just be putting off the inevitable. I know everyone says it was the right thing to do but I just cant stop questioning if it was. His last week he was spoiled and loved more than ever. And his last day, he spent with my husband and daughter while I was stuck at work. He tried so hard to act normal when we could tell he was just wearing himself out. That night, he had a dinner of steak and ice cream. My 8yr old daughter laid with him watching movies and eating ice cream and I spent the night on the floor with him. The next morning before the Vet showed up at our house he started shaking like he knew what was happening which broke my heart. He tried to protect himself and his home by barking at the strangers intruding his space. And then he was gone. I took him to my dads to be buried with his mom and sister. I just keep breaking down and my mind keeps going back to the what ifs and last few moments of life. Im trying to focus on the good but its so hard when I feel so guilty and angry for making his final decision