CleoB

Beautiful, wonderful movie-- what a testament to your love, her life, her resilience.

Open Season

My mother’s hand the last morning as I sit alone with her—

already gone though forehead still warm, petunias

outside the window, orange pink, bruised

as those on the narrow path once outside our house.

Light clings like mud to her skin,

not what it used to be, hauling off in flakes,

revealing fine cuts near her mouth,

“like paper,” they said as if clearing it with us

a technical problem that could be solved

with a maximum of red.

Threads of hair I brush off her face,

dark flooded eyes ignore all warnings,

mouth once an open smile now hollow cheeks

fashioning a skull, despite how she knew everything.

I cannot understand how this brain cut

can happen— where is the dividing line—

her childhood, the past

her adulthood, the past

old age, the past. Her eyes

coals over an open fire

warmed by what she carries within

now filling this room.

I wish I lived in a quieter location, rather than across from a train and on a busy street. I hunger for the kind of quiet one finds in the woods, with sounds of trees and birds. I do writing, which in a sense quiets my mind, but need to push myself to get to nature more. I don't drive, so it's not easy. My husband is busy and tired. My friends don't mostly want to hear about my sorrow/grief, so I am alone a lot. Was alone a lot before actually. I like to read. I try not to watch too much electronics / tv, but sometimes it is a respite.

Cleo

Hi there,

I have been seeing an individual grief counselor since my mother died in February. I am at that point where I don't see what else I can get from this really good counselor, but not where I am okay on my own. I signed up for a support group that starts later in September, and meets for 8 sessions. I wish that were happening now, and feel like I need something in the meantime, which is why I joined this forum. People mostly don't want to hear about my grief, so it's helpful to be in the right company.

Cleo

Heidi and all,

I wanted to weigh in on this discussion, having lost my mom in February. Heidi-- I so empathize with your pain. I have gone to a grief counselor now for a few months, and have done a lot of talking and writing, and in some ways I have processed a lot, which is good. But in other ways, when I really look at it, I am no further along. People tell me it is early still, that it takes time. The pain is unbearable. I have taken a few trips out of town, and while it is no easier when I'm not home, it is harder coming back home. Thinking of what you shared, Heidi: I did clear my mother's house out before she died, because we thought she would need that money for her care. My mom had a stroke almost a year ago, the end of August 2014, and died six months later, after rehab facilities, standing up and falling down and the ER, board and cares, assisted living, a nursing home finally. Prior to this, she had been completely independent since my father's death 15 years earlier-- independent and mentally and physically active. I did the whole care thing pretty much on my own, with a little help from my brother and almost no help from my husband. I feel alone with my grief. I tried one support group, but it was not run well. I am signed up to try another in September and am hopeful there. But I restart teaching next week (I gave up my classes in February when we put my mom on hospice, so haven't taught since then.) I am afraid of taking this work on because I am having a hard time functioning. I choose to see this grief not as an emotional roller coaster, but rather like the tide, something more gentle, but still, it ravages me. I am comforted to know I am not alone and that you are dealing with it also. Almost six months since her death and I feel like I'm losing her every day I get further from the day she died.

Cleo