judy1354

It does seem to help to tell the story over and over.  I think journaling would be a good idea for me too.  My biggest why is why can't I get her scared eyes out of my head when I try to fall asleep.  She did not deserve that.  I just want to feel she's at peace.  

I am so sorry for your losses.  Do I understand correctly that your wife passed also?  That is so much to go through in such a short period of time.   You are such a kind person to comfort me in my loss while you are grieving your own losses.  I'm glad you were with Brandee and got to pet her and comfort her while she went to sleep. Not having that has been the hardest part for me.  I still see Lucy's scared eyes, looking at me for help.  I know she is happy now, no longer in pain.  I know it will take some time for me.  Thank you again for sharing your story.  Blessings.

Thank you for your kind words Mia.  It has been hard, as you know.  My other dogs wouldn't sleep in the bedroom anymore, they all slept in the hallway.  So this past weekend I switched bedrooms and they seem to feel better about that.  One of them continues to look for Lucy, sniffing all the rooms and then coming up to me and whining.  Its so sad.  I just do my best to comfort her.  It does help having them all there with me.  The vet left me a message yesterday that Lucy's paw print was ready to pick up.  I got so angry again, thought I was past that.  So, I think I'll wait a bit before going into the vet's office.  This forum really has helped and continues to help me a lot.  Lots of people love their pets, but there are a certain group, like those on this page, they sincerely think of their pets as family.  I appreciate so much connecting with those people.  Thanks again.

Judy

Thank you for responding.  The guilt is hard to deal with.  We all miss her and you're right, it jyst takes time.  I just wish I could get her scared look out of my head.  In time I guess.  I appreciate so much having a place to express how I'm feeling and others truly understand.

Thanks for responding.  Yes, its that same picture staying in my head.  She did leave a big hole in my life and the other dogs can't figure it out.  I'm so happy to have found this forum, it is so comforting to talk to people that truly understand how I'm feeling.  I'm sure I'll be back soon. 

Thank you.  I hadn't thought about it the way you said it, "she doesn't hold memories or her end."  It will take some time to get those scared eyes out of my head, but I'm trying to replace those thoughts with thoughts of her running, not itching (she always had allergies) and finally being comfortable all the time.  I imagine she is running with my other dogs until we can meet again.  It is so comforting to talk to people who truly understand.  When I'm upset, I tend to say the same thing over and over.  But I think that is what will help get me through.  I so miss her sweet face.  The other dogs aren't eating.  None of them will sleep in the bedroom with me where we all slept, so I'm on the couch and they're all on the floor.  They go in the room to sniff for her, but they just won't sleep in that room.  Thank you again for the kind words.

Thank you for responding.   You're right. I just keep seeing over and over in my head Lucy's face after the vet hurt her.  It was a why aren't you helping me mommy look. She was afraid.   My faith, my intellect know she is happy, not hurting anymore and can breathe.  And I will be with her again.  But there is some little part of me that just wants to say to her I'm so sorry, don't be mad at me.  She was such a sweet dog. I found her running down the street at rush hour. The vet said she was 8 weeks old.  I feel like I let her down.  She should have been able to pass peacefully.  I have been talking to her.  It does help.  My other dogs dont know what to think.  They walk around sniffing, I assume looking for her.  Thanks again for your suggestions and most of all understanding.  

On Friday I had to say good-bye to my dog Lucy.  She had lymphoma and was to the point she was having a terrible time breathing, especially at night. She could not lay down without a choking sound conibg from her throat. She couldn't get comfortable.  She was covered in large tumors.  It was so hard because she was still so happy, she was eating, playing with the  other dogs, but the vet kept saying she would drown because her lungs were filling up.  I kept waiting to see that look in her eyes that it was time but it never came.  So I took her in, the vet examined her one more time and said her lungs had a lot of liquid.  I decided it was time.  I talked to Lucy and the vet came back in and it all happened so fast. I expected her to ask if I was ready.  But im talking to Lucy, Lucy cries out, I yelled at the vet to not hurt her and she just said to the tech try the other leg this vein is shot. and as I turned to Lucy she looks at me with her big eyes and she looked so scared and looked at me as if she q as saying whats happening, why are you letting them hurt me.  Then it was over.  It happened so fast.  It was not a peaceful passing in any way.  That is what I took her in for. She could have had a painful death at home. I of course didnt want that for her.  I have gone through this before and its quiet and peaceful.  This was horrible.  I understand the grief, but I can't get the look in Lucy's eyes out of my mind. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I feel like I betrayed her, and her last thought was that I betrayed her and let someone hurt her.  I don't feel the peace for Lucy that I've felt for my other dogs that have passed. I just dont know what to do with this pain and guilt.  I just keep apologizing to her.  I need to feel she is at peace.   I feel so horrible.