redwendy

I am a new member who recently lost her husband. It was a second marriage for both of us; me having two children to my previous marriage. My girl is 10 and my boy is 5. And Andy jumped on board from the time he met them and accepted them as his own. The boy was his entire world. We met in 2012 and were married may 24th, 2014. Everything was pretty close to perfect On August 23rd, 2015 Andy fell down our stairs while taking our son to the pool. The boy saw it all. EMT responded and immediately ordered a life flight. Frantically I grabbed his glasses and cigarettes because he "need them in a few days".... Within an hour or two of waiting at the hospital the neurologists came to the family to tell us that there was little hope. His head injuries were so extensive that even if we chose to operate to relive pressure from his brain; my best would be that he would be in a vegetative state. The next few days were to be expected. I spent a small portion of time begging him to wake up so I could speak with him and then realized that it was a blessing that he was never conscience from point of impact because of the amount of pain he would be in. I spent the next part of that afternoon realizing that if he could sit up right then and there he would rip out the respirator and tell us all go home. We were waiting for him to let go naturally so that we could donate as many organs as possible. The nurses were very black and white with me. They told me that it could happen today...tomorrow...weeks from now...but the end result would be the same. Andy would not want to put us threw that. I gathered his family and suggested that we schedule to take out the respirator. Later that evening his body started to let go of the 3 of the remaining protective responses that the brain has to let go to be pronounced brain dead. We regrouped and decided to wait. On August 25th, 2015 at 6:26PM Andy let go. He was able to save the lives of 5 different people through his gift of organ donation and give them a second chance of a life that was taken from him. Taken from us. I could write a novel as to the decisions that I have had to make and what I've been through since his death. My life is unraveling in ways I haven't expected. The universe is a paper shredder to me right now. I open my eyes to a wall of pain that is crippling and I don't want to put my feet on the floor. I wish the f****** world would stop until I can get my head above the water. But it doesn't. I have to get up each day and struggle thru for my children.....who need me more than ever...and I have absolutely nothing to give anybody. My best moments are distractions at best...going out with friends....then coming home to the void. I hate to be at home. if I could burn down my bedroom I would. I stand at the threshold and stare at that empty bed and the pain and sorrow envelop me like a straight jacket. Sometimes I lay on the ground at the base of the steps where his body was. Other times I stand in his closet desperately trying to smell the fading scent of his cologne in his shirt collars. it is getting worse for me. I know this is still fresh...and I know "it takes time"...and I'll "never be the same"......but there is no relief from the pain. it is constant and all consuming. If I didn't have kids I would follow him...I don't want to feel like this and more importantly I don't want to be in a world without him. Having said that.....I am forcing myself to make steps...I start a new therapist tonight and I have a family grief counseling session scheduled in two weeks. I joined this site as another attempt to promote healing. I guess what I need to know is what do I have to expect? I know that i will get through this....I am getting through this now. One second at a time.....despite my lack luster attitude. But when do things begin to be positive? When will I be able to appreciate a joyous occasion (like my son's bday yesterday) with it being immediately followed by a wall of pain? I know that everyone's journey is different...and it is one of the most isolated journey's a person can go thru.....but there has to be some commonality. Tell me that I will genuinely smile again Tell me that I will love again Tell me that i will feel someone's hands on me again Tell me that I will be adored again Cause right now......I am struggle to even breathe