Dear Beverly, I cannot tell you how to get through this. I don't know how I am surviving but there are countless people praying for us & holding us up- that must be how I am still walking around. Such horror for you to stand there hopelessly & watch as your son slipped away from you.I am so sorry for your loss, Beverly. It was 12 weeks on Monday when my beautiful Matthew "swam into heaven", and I know I will see him again when my time on earth ends. God gave me a vision while we were in Maui the week after Matthew died there, that showed me exactly that. Without the knowledge that Matthew is with God as is my Mum, his Granny, I would have no hope to live on. That must sound extreme to anyone who has not lost a child, because I have his twin & his oldest & youngest brothers & two grandsons[not Matthew's, he had no children]and his Dad, my wonderful husband. But if I had 10 children & 20 grandchildren I would still feel as much grief & sadness as I do.I would still mourn that Matthew no longer inhabits the earth, that his eyes no longer see & that there is no way I can ever touch him, hear him again in this life. I wept as I read your message- I know exactly what you describe, the utter despair. There is no pain to equal the loss of a child. As my husband said "I lost my Dad, I lost my sister, I lost my brother & I lost my Mom but THIS IS MY SON". I was trying to explain it from a mother's view point how after giving birth to a child there is left an indelible imprint on my soul & heart, in my body & my mind. Those places are now torn open & bleeding & I believe that they will remain open until the day I die. I am learning to live with the constant pain, as I have learned to live with the chronic pain of my health challenges I suppose. I can tell you Beverly, to offer you some hope in this hopeless state you are, that I do not feel now as I did 12 weeks ago-my grief is as big, but the dreadful blackness that overshadowed my entire being is not as constant. I weep every day, sometimes almost all day, that hasn't changed.I cry as I drive, as I shop, iron, clean, sew or speak, the tears come unbidden & they flow like a river. Tonight I was trying to go through the countless cards & messages & place them in a box I bought for them, & I sat & sobbed for hours. My brother & sister in law in Australia lost a twin son at 18, in January 2002. Todd was my godson & I couldn't imagine how they would survive that tragedy. Now I know.I told Gillian that we are members of a club none of us ever wanted to join. Hoped never to know. In fact it is the horror that sometimes comes to us in the night from the day that we give birth to them. Your faith in God, His promises of eternal life together with all the Saints, may comfort you. Knowing that my Matthew is not lost to me forever is a promise that I cling to. Blessings, prayer & a grieving mother's love go out to you, Beverly. I would be glad to her from you on my personal Email, but I'm not sure how to give it to you over the website.My sister in law writes to me all the time, sending me messages of comforting words & affirmation.It is good to have someone to talk to who has been where we are. Roslyn