DaughterOfAnAmazingMom

Good luck with your path. People go back to get their education at completely different times these days. When you're ready, I'm sure you will be able to pick things up again. <3

Good luck with your exams! One thing that has kept me going is the thought of "living on" for my mom. She can't keep going with her life anymore, but I can live life to the fullest for her. If our moms are out there watching, it would make them very happy.

I am so sorry that you're all going through this, too. It's nice for me to just hear other folks who are in the same boat, especially those of you who are young or who lost a parent while young. In my group of friends and acquaintances, I only know two other people who lost their moms before they were 30. I mean, other than my younger brother and sister. They were 24 and *almost* 17 when Mom passed. Whenever I feel badly for myself, I look at my sister. Mom won't even be at her high school graduation. Mom was so sweet and wrote her letters for my sister's 18th birthday and her graduation in case she didn't make it. My gosh, Mom was a sweetie. She wrote all of us a goodbye note. She penned several for my dad, too. I've also collected all of her emails and copied down all of her texts in case something crazy happens with my phone. It's nice to be able to read her words. Have you all found any solace in your mom's notes and cards? Mom's birthday is coming up on March 20th. It would have been her 60th. I know a few months wouldn't have made that big of a difference, but I feel like if she'd just made it to 60, it would have been a tiny bit better. Making it to that milestone would have been one more accomplishment she managed after her diagnosis. She made it to her 40th wedding anniversary with Dad. Her 60th birthday would have been awesome. She was diagnosed on her 56th birthday. "Happy birthday! Your boobs are slowly killing you!" It still would have hurt us all just as much, but at least we'd have had another three months with her and she'd have made it out of her 50s. The 20th is going to suck. I was thinking of making a cake and her homemade pizza recipe to mark it. I usually do my own thing when I prepare the pizza, but I could put it together it just like she did. Maybe we can all eat it with a candle lit at her usual place at the table at my parents' house. I visited her at the cemetery over the weekend. There isn't a headstone yet because the ground is still too mushy from winter. I bought two types of tulips from the store, mixed them up, and kept half of the flowers to put in a vase at my dad's house and put the other half on her grave. I moved back in with my Dad last month because he asked me to, and the house is sooooo quiet. Sometimes I go into my parents' room and "talk" to Mom, like I always used to do. At first, it was comforting. Now, it's been two and a half months, so it doesn't feel like she's around anymore. Talking to her at the cemetery is exponentially worse, though. She's just surrounded by a bunch of strangers. I mean, one day, Dad will be there and she won't be "alone," but right now, it's just her and a bunch of people we don't know as her neighbors. Does anyone else have a special place they talk with their mom and is anyone else just depressed as all get out at the cemetery? Has anyone "heard" from their mom? I've prayed and prayed, but I really haven't. There have been a few things that have happened that have made me think, but it might just be because I'm reaching since I want to hear from her SO badly. If I just knew she was okay somewhere, in heaven like she staunchly believed, it would make things a little better. Most of my tears are just from remembering her dying, her being dead, and how much life she was screwed out of. I love the idea that she's waiting for us someplace better. That she left early because she was too good to stay in this crappy place. I am a Christian, but a very skeptical one at times. I doubt an awful lot. She never did.

Tomorrow will be five weeks since Mom died and took the biggest part of my heart with her. I had absolutely no idea how crushing and devastating it would be. I thought I was prepared. Mom had breast cancer for years. I knew it would take her at some point. Of course, the rapidity of her death when her doctor was not expecting her to go that fast and had another chemo ready doesn't help. She told me December 12th that the doctor was ready with that last chemo, and that it would get her four to eight more months. She lived 11 more days, and I only knew she was on her deathbed for about three. Cancer was supposed to afford us the awful luxury of saying goodbye in a more gradual way, not an abrupt and heartwrenching way. The slower death was supposed to be the one consolation of watching this stupid disease ravage her body. When my brother called me to tell me she was dead, just as I was heading over to my parents' house, it felt like my chest exploded and I had been hit by a train. I didn't even know hurt like that was possible. Seeing her dead body, yellow and bloated because of liver failure, broke whatever was left of my heart. My mom, my buddy, my guiding light, the kindest, funniest and warmest person I've ever known, fought so hard and suffered so much just to die before she got to grow old with dad. I couldn't stop crying the whole day. It was December 23rd. Mom was looking forward to Christmas. She loved that holiday so much and made it so amazing each year that Dad called her "Mother Christmas." She had even said that treatment was getting tough, but she was keeping it up because she wanted to be alive and functional at Christmas. And she didn't make it. She didn't make it, despite the fact that she was fine and her usual jovial self a couple of weeks before. I wake up with a heavy and empty feeling each morning, knowing that my most constant companion, the person I loved the most, the person who loved me the most, the person I'd rather talk with than anyone else, is gone. The person who was always there can't be anymore. I even have a boyfriend and I don't love him the same way. Mom-daughter love is different. Was anyone else utterly bowled over by the intensity of the pain of losing your mom? I'm 29, and I wasn't ready. I don't want to make family memories without her. I don't want the world to go on without her. She was the best person in it. She never hurt a fly. She made everything fun, funny, and bright. I'm so angry, sad, lonely, upset. She should still be here. She had another 20 or 30 years to give this world. She had more trips to take, more grandkids to meet, five kids to see married off, more memories to make with her husband of 41 years. It breaks my heart that she can't. I know parents die, but I was hoping I'd at least reach middle age first. I didn't want the loss of my mom to go along with the fact that she got shortchanged with 59 years, especially when the last four were not spent in good health. I have to go on. I have to keep living with a smile because that's what she'd want. Why does it have to be so hard?

I'm so sorry. I'm not looking forward to my first birthday without Mom, either. I will treasure my last birthday because it was the last one she'll ever be a part of. Moms always make it such a big deal, and you know they care about it the most! It's the anniversary of one of their favorite days! I hope you and I both find ways to enjoy milestones without our moms. <3

Beth, I'm also 29 and also lost my mom shortly before Christmas. Though she had breast cancer, it was sudden. She went from reasonably healthy and waiting for her next chemo to dead in about ten days. We had just been told she had four to eight months left. I'm not handling it very well, either. Though I had lived on my own for some time, I did live with my parents for several years after college, and when I got an apartment, it was right around the corner. I saw Mom ALL THE TIME. She was my best buddy. I wouldn't say I have good days, just not as God-awful days. Usually it's when I get distracted. The idea that I never get to see Mom again, the thoughts of how she was when she was taken to the hospital, and how she was doing while at the hospital actually cause me physical pain. My heart goes out to you. You are not alone! I'm glad to know I'm not, either. Thank God for message boards, eh? Sending you an e-hug. <3

Thank you for your suggestions! I really appreciate it! <3 kayc - I'm so sorry you've been without your husband for so long. I'm glad your kids were there for you. The non-holiday dinner sounds like a great idea! I'm trying to encourage my brothers who aren't here to text and call as much as they can and trying to make plans with my little sister, dad and me. I hope we can be there for him like your kids were for you. My dad was talking about how his friends have mostly been nonexistent, too. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Fortunately, he has one high school friend who knew both him and my mom in their school years, and he's been a solid buddy for decades. He was the best man at their wedding. I've even met him before, though he doesn't live here. He's asked my dad to head down to visit him in a month or so for a break. I'm glad he at least has him. Brad - I'm so sorry you're dealing the loss of your partner in crime. I seriously can't even imagine, and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for the advice. I try to "test the waters" because I don't know him as well as I knew my mom. I'd have a better idea of how to help her if Dad had gone first. A social worker friend gave me some information about grief groups that are here locally. I'm planning to go to one at some point. I just work a lot, so it's hard. To help myself, I've found stories from other 20 somethings who have lost their parents. I only know a set of cousins and two other people my age who have lost a parent. Hearing my coworkers talk about their moms annoying them drives me nuts. Hearing middle-aged coworkers talk about seeing their moms just makes me sad. It's nice to know other people my age who are dealing with it or who dealt with it when they were in their 20s. I told Dad about a widowed persons group from the list I received. I said I figured it would probably be a bunch of old ladies. (just joking around to lighten the mood) He said he prefers to talk to us and my mom's sister. Her husband died of cancer a couple of years ago, and it's obviously still throwing her for a loop. Losing her little sister not too long after is not helping. I think having someone who loved Mom lots to talk to is helpful for him. He also told me I should email her. janka - Thank you. I'm so sorry you lost your dad, and so quickly, too! My heart goes out to you! Marty - Thank you! I'll check out those links! I know a big reason I'm focusing on helping Dad is because it makes me feel like I'm carrying on for Mom, looking after the man she loved and looking after the child she wasn't able to finish raising. She told me when she got sick to help my dad out with my sister if she died. One of the last things she said to my dad and me the last time I was able to talk to her was "take care of each other." Carrying on the with the love infusion that Mom gave us makes me feel closer to her. Honestly, it's just a way to focus on something else, too. I cry too much when I'm not occupied, even when I am occupied. I have sort of a weird question, too. With Valentine's Day coming up, do you think I should do anything to distract him or give him something that reminds him of Mom or just completely ignore the day all together? I've been rifling through Mom's diaries, and there are a lot of really loving things she said about him. Should I use an occasion like that or their anniversary to share those with him? Or is that a terrible idea that would make him too sad? I love reading about nice things she said about me in them, but I could see how it would be too hard to read for some.

I wrote a long thing in the losing a parent section for myself, but I ended up getting an error message after typing for about 45 minutes. I'll get to myself later in that forum. My mom died kind of suddenly December 23rd at the age of 59. I say "kind of" because she had stage four breast cancer, but when it took her, it was painfully fast. She was self-sufficient and waiting for her next chemo one day, and then dead a week and a half later. It's been sooo harsh. My dad asked me to move back in for a while to help him, especially with my 17-year-old sister. He's an old-school, awkward, not the best with emotions sort of guy. In some ways, I feel like my older brothers would be better equipped to help because they're men, but two of them don't live here and the other one is off in his own world. Dad and Mom were married for 41 years, a couple for 43. I hate to see him a widower at only 60, not the least because we lost such an amazing and loving woman. I know it happens with people MUCH younger, but it still seems like too young to lose your life partner. He's told me he doesn't want to date at all. Mom's dad died at 52, and her mom said, "I had the best. Why settle for less?" She never remarried and lived another 28 years. Dad says he feels the same way because Mom was literally the best person he or I have known. We're getting a bit closer just through this nonsense because out of my six siblings, I'm handling it by far the worst. She was my best friend. Anyway, my dad is just falling apart. Saturday was the one month mark. My sister and I both went to the cemetery to leave flowers and "talk" to Mom. Dad was going to, but he couldn't bring himself to. I understand that; I almost crumpled to the ground at her grave site. He told me that night that he doesn't want to do anything without Mom. He went to the movies by himself and nearly left, he was so sad. Originally he said he just wanted to be there for his kids and grandkids and focus on that. He said he felt Mom told him to do that somehow. Saturday night, though, he said all he wants to do is just sleep, eat and go to work. He's so lost and so sad. I'm devastated over the loss and she was just my mom, so I can't imagine the weight this has on him. It's just unimaginable. Since I'm moving in, what should I do to help? I like talking about her a lot because it helps me to keep her "present." Should I avoid doing that? When you lost your spouse, what did you need? What helped? What sorts of things have your kids done that you appreciated? What didn't you appreciate? I know everyone's grief is very personal, but I just want to help my dad. I am so worried about him. He's the only parent I've got now.