ardeer0630

Thank you all for your comforting words.  This is the place I find the solace.  That's why I come here and read your posts and it does make me feel better.  Because I know we all feel the same thing.  Last night, when I came home, I did some reading and found below an article that I'm sure some of you read before.  I feel every word of it.  http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/

It has been a little over three months now since he left me so suddenly.  I have been making some progress, I know, trying my best to have a conversation, cry less, think a little less by keeping myself so busy at home and at work.  I began seeing a therapist last month, which helped a little.  But tonight, as I'm driving home, it just hit me so hard that I just lost it.  In the car, I looked and sounded crazy talking by myself, talking to him, asking so many questions and crying so hard.  I thought it was getting better -- I miss him so much!  

I am unsure what normal will be anymore.  I just had my loss a little over two months and nothing has changed.  I am still in seclusion.  Am only doing things I needed to do.  Still not in the mood to talk to friends.  I have however started therapy which is free from the health insurance I have at the firm.  At least I should try that.  I find comfort coming here and reading posts.  It's so hard!

I am thankful that I found this forum.  I just started reading the posts last week and realized that this is what I have been looking for -- people who understood what I am going through, regardless if the loss was just recently or even longer.  It’s only been more than two months since my loss, and I have been finding ways to cope in my own way.  I find solace in being quiet, crying by myself, remembering the good memories, or just talking about those with my children, and listening to theirs too.

I am finding it hard to respond to close friends.  Especially because I don’t think they understand exactly what I am going through.  Although I know they meant well, I take offense when I hear things like this --“I know what you are going through, I understand, or I know you are very strong woman and you’ll get through this, or you should pick up yourself now and start moving on,” etc.  

I have not spoken to any of my close friends live -- just through a couple of texts and personal messages because their mere “hi, how are you doing?” brings tears to my eyes.  I feel so sorry for myself.  Can’t people understand that I just lost a spouse?  A husband of 30+ years.  I wanted to ask them --  How can you understand the loneliness and emptiness that I feel when it never happened to you? 

I am usually a happy person. I joke around, I laugh so hard -- at simple jokes -- I make people laugh.  People think I am funny -- I know I am funny.  But I lost all that recently.  I don’t even want to smile.  I don’t want to reach out to my friends because I don’t think they will understand.  And how will they understand if they do not know what I am going through?  Should I ask them “do you know how it feels to just think about the same person over and over again 24/7 and realizing that that person is gone -- permanently, and you can no longer see him, and the only thing that you can feel is emptiness -- that nothing means anything to you, because you feel so alone?” 

I feel I am being rude.  That I owe them an explanation why I don’t pick up the phone when they call, or why I do not respond to any of their text messages.  I know they just wanted to know how I am doing.  However, I would rather get a message that says “I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.”  The truth is I really just want to be left alone for now because I have not come around yet.  How long?  I don’t know.  And I cannot move on yet.  At the same time, obviously, I don’t want to lose them as a friend.  I just want them to understand that I am not the same person because I just suffered an unexpected loss -- a tragedy and I was taken off guard.  And with this, I am trying very hard but the norm is not happening anytime soon because every night, when I am alone, every moment when I remember him, I break down.  Yes, it is exhausting, but I want to do that myself. 

Hello everyone.  I'm a new member and I just found this forum last night and am so glad I did.  I lost my husband of 35 years just about 8 weeks ago.  It was sudden, he had a stroke and died after 2 days.  Since then the only thing that I feel is sadness.  It so empty. Even writing this posts makes me cry. I feel so alone, even though we have 3 kids together.  I cry for two, for myself and for my children.  They said it will get better.  I have isolated myself from friends.  I don't like to talk and I just wanna be left alone.  I am angry at him , how dare you leave me alone.  It has been difficult.  It comes and goes.  One day you are fine, the next day you're a mess again.  I miss him so much.  I can't believe he is not here anymore.  Nothing means anything.  I pray to God for His grace in healing me.  Thank you all for reading this.