Nature

.the hardest wound of my whole life Janka, well said, so very descriptive.

kayc, I admire your strength & honesty. i understand too well to what you wrote. thanks!

.That´s all why I´m not in contact with his family anymore They didn´t care about his grave Janka, Your comments are so correct, i can relate. i purchased his beautiful headstone, and am the only one who attends/takes care of his grave. he has a mother & 5 brothers & sisters, numerous aunts & uncles. i had never met ANY of them until his death, and i have no communication with them now, nor do i ever plan too. after all the years of our marriage, never laying eyes on these people, then for them to appear out of nowhere. to act as if they cared, when all along i was treated as if i wasnt good enough. i felt 'tolerated'. IN TRUTH- They didnt even know their own brother, and his mother didn't know her own son.( people change after 30+ years). yes, they knew we we were, and we knew where they were. my husband refused to have any contact. he was close with his father & so was i, his father came & seen us & his grandchildren. I believe they are guilt ridden.? Thanks for sharing.

I have no friends. We were loners, also. My most meaningful conversations seem to be with the butcher. That's pretty sad. Karen, i identify with what you wrote and especially this statement. i had to smile, as i am from a family of butchers.

please bear with me as i learn to manuever around this site- i am not sure where to post or where/how to reply- i will figure it out. {{{ }}}

Thanks to each & everyone of you who have showed me compassion, understanding, support, and truly welcoming me into this group. i truly feel i belong here, and i hope to thank you all individually. i plan to as time goes on, and i can see you are patient & loving people. your kindness is unbelievable. grieving has brought us all together. this group is going to be my 'anchor', i can see that already. i have a very hard time trusting people. where are all these 'parasites' coming from? people that think they 'deserve' something of my husbands, or some just come right out & ask for material things? unbelievable! i get so angry that they are trying to take advantage of my circumstance- where do they get these ideas? i dont answer my door, and i screen all my calls. i have 'disconnected' myself from almost everyone for my own protection and sanity! the nerve of these people. they approach me with 'ulterior motives', if they offer to do something, its because they want something, i am sadly i am finding this out. people i thought were our true friends ( though they were few) have hurt me the most. my kids are upset as they say i spend too much time alone. at times i truly feel i am safer that way. i am missing out on my grandchildren, and my kids' lives. but i know i am an emotional mess also, and i dont want my grandkids to see me this way, what good is that? Last night was very hard, i wanted to scream outloud as i was so lonesome & hurting so badly. there wasnt anyone i wanted to call, as truly they dont understand. the silence was/is so loud it is actually deafening if that makes sense! i could hear my own heart beat. i am so depressed and lonely i dont know how i am ever going to make it, but i know i have too. wow, when its a 'down time', i am way down.....i have a long way to go, i am so confused, i repeat myself alot ( my kids tell me), so i am getting afraid to even say anything. i really have nothing to say anyhow, as i cant change anything. i keep waiting for Spring, as i love the outdoors and i live in a very rural area. i am surrounded by nature, lots of it, and working farms & farmland. There is a state park not far from me & i like to go & sit by the lake & watch the sailboats. i keep thinking the sun & outdoors will help me feel better as my husband & i spent most of our time outdoors. I also think this will make me feel closer to my husband & mother. i pray it doesn't have the opposite effect & make me feel worse! i love to watch the wildlife, and i cherish it. i cherished my husband & my mother. i am handling my mothers death better- it was a year on the 17th since she passed. my husband died in july. i go to their graves alot. if i am in the vicinity of them, i cant NOT stop. its winter now, so no flowers etc. but weather permitting i am always planting something. is it harmful to spend too much time at their graves by doing what i am doing there? it brings a peace over me when i am there & after i am done. i truly dont know how people make it through this...losing loved ones that you love so deeply. Hugs to you all for listening and being here. i will keep reading, and posting. i know there are good days and bad. Thank you all, your'e so very understanding & forgiving.

thank you very much to those who have reached out and offered their thoughts and insight. it is very much appreciated, i am finding great comfort here reading posts and knowing that i am not alone, and not crazy. i read where other people find the mornings and evenings and holidays especially hard, there is alot of information here & support. i will keep coming back & reading. I hope to post also as i am in this journey with you all. all the best to you!

hi i am new to this site and so very grateful i found it. i lost my Mother in February of 2015 unexpectedly. We were so very close, & this knocked me to my knees. Then i lost my husband of 30+ years in July to pancreatic cancer & he was diagnosed and deceased within 3 weeks and a day. This knocked me flat on my face and my grief is overwhelming. i brought him home, and he died here with me holding his hand. i helped take care of him, so did my daughters, along with Hospice- these people were wonderful. My mother & my husband are buried within 15 yards of each other. My children are all grown, in there 30's and they too are grieving. i need them now more than ever, though as of now we aren't even talking.i am so confused, am trying to go on, but i am so isolated. i spend days where i talk with nobody. i am in contact with a grief counselor through hospice. i have support through my one older brother, but otherwise i feel as if nobody really understands what i am going through. my older sister said it was because i am the 'strong one', well i am tired and scared of being strong. As time goes on i think some days i am totally losing it, other days i can manage. i don't want to part with any of his belongings, though i did go thru some of his clothing to donate to St. Vincent Depaul as he told me to do so. otherwise our bedroom & house has remained unchanged. i go to the store & at times it feels great to get out, yet after awhile i cant wait to get HOME, as i feel safe here. i have few friends, my husband and i enjoyed our privacy, and we relied on each other for eveything. he was my partner, my world, my everything. i feel very frightened in thinking of being without him. we had a great marriage. i found out that i feel like i don't 'fit in' where we used to frequent, and among people we did let into our lives. i feel uncomfortable around my own brothers and sisters at times! i feel as if I abandoned my kids- i am in too much pain to help them. they tell me they lost their father too, i do understand, as i lost mine years ago. This however took my feet from underneath me and i cant get grounded. How can i be the parent when i can't get through this grief- they think i should be able to cope well by now & i can't. i have been reading posts here and find them so helpful. Thanks soo much for letting me vent. Any and all feedback is greatly welcomed.