Hello Group,
I am new here and struggling with grief and guilt from a recent decision I made. I share my story in hopes I might find some compassion, help and understanding from this group. Currently my pain has brought me to a horrible realization that the decision of euthanasia for my dog, my friend, may have been a huge mistake. It feels like my world is crashing down around me. Why is it pain teaches us so much? But now I need to get past the pain, I need to get on the other side of this for my own self preservation, or I fear it will cripple me and stop me from moving forward.
Life can get complicated, and change can create difficulties, I know we can only do the best we know how to at the time. Dealing with an increasingly impossible situation resulted in a decision that was made in the best interest for everyone, or so I thought. I made the decision to let my boy cross over rainbow bridge. But now, the after, I am devastated and the grief coupled with guilt is so overwhelming to me that my heart aches from being torn open. Everyday my chest hurts from the pain, if I am not breaking down, I am just going through the motions with my heart weighing a ton. I was in a very desperate place when the decision was made, my brain searched for a solution and this was the only one that made sense at the time. After, when my situation calmed, the heart revealed other solutions that before did not present themselves as viable. I have never felt such a debilitating pain in my heart and soul before. I wish I had understood the depth of the love I had for this spirit while he was with me, so this is especially painful for me to know I let go such a deep connection to my own spirit. They say dogs come into our lives to teach us something, so I hope one day the lesson will be clear. Maybe the pain & guilt I am experiencing from his death is preparing me for something that will be in my future. I love him so much and wish I could turn back the clock, but I am ever reminded this is not a dream and I cannot wake up. Will I see him again in the after life? Anyone have any advise or words of wisdom that might help me get through this? Let me add that I have had many dogs in my life, and I have some who are with me still. I also need to recover from this so I can be here for them.
I have always looked at euthanasia as a gift we can give our friends to ease their suffering and help them cross over with no pain. The circumstances in this case are different and so must be the reason for my feeling the intense pain associated with it all.
I found this poem which is fitting, tho it just brings on more tears!!!!
I Loved You Best by Jim Willis 2002
So this is where we part, My Friend,
and you’ll run on, around the bend,
gone from sight, but not from mind,
new pleasures there you’ll surely find.
I will go on, I’ll find the strength,
life measures quality, not its length.
One long embrace before you leave,
share one last look, before I grieve.
There are others, that much is true,
but they be they, and they aren’t you.
And I, fair, impartial, or so I thought,
will remember well all you’ve taught.
Your place I’ll hold, you will be missed,
the fur I stroked, the nose I kissed.
And as you journey to your final rest,
take with you this…I loved you best.
