BillT

Mitch,

May I wish you peace in whatever measure you may find it.  Each day that passes brings us one day closer to reuniting with the one we love.

Different subject - ambushed again:

Noticed a little plaque on a wall in our kitchen - been there for years.  I read it and burst into tears.  

The plaque reads: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!

The sentiment expressed is so like my Mary Kay.  

Prayer to all..

Bill

I had a couple of days that was not so terribly bad, and I am thankful.  Alas the grief and loneliness is returning.  Went to church this Mother's day and thought of my mother, her mother and her.  Thankful that they are in a better place and without pain, but I still cry and wish for the day that I will join them.

Happy Mother's day to all the Mothers on this forum.

Love and prayers,

Bill

On 4/9/2016 at 7:19 PM, mittam99 said:

 

...I've been in that dark place where all I wanted was to end the pain. I saw no hope for a future with even the smallest amount of happiness.

Mitch

 

Thankful this morning, 98 days since my beautiful Mary Kay left this world.  For whatever reason, I slept well and long last night, a first in 98 days.  I cried this morning, but for the last couple of hours I have felt a sense of peace that does surpass all understanding.  I am thankful for this however long (or short) it may last.  

Love and prayer to all in your journey,

Bill

Kat,

Yes, I seem to be aging quickly, and I have seen the same in my mother many years ago when we lost my sister.  I saw her age much in the span of two years.  I think grief does that to us.  

I lost my sweet Mary Kay 98 days ago.  The tears, anguish and sleeplessness have kept me in a state of constant exhaustion and mental fog.  I definitely feel that I am aging at an accelerated rate.  Just waiting for the day we will be together again.

Love and prayer to all...

Bill

A change this morning (day 89).  Accepting that the love of my life is gone, and everything in my life is gone with her.  I am now a blank slate of grief.  What I am other than grief, I will have to create.  I have to recreate my self.  Somewhat bewildering and a bit frightening.  Went out and walked for an hour, contemplating this situation. 

Gwenivere wrote:

What I miss, like all of us, was the simple and obvious.  One person in the whole world caring I was here and what I did.  I get some things done and now have no one that really cares.  It makes it hard to keep doing.

So true.  Thank you.

I probably don't have a clue, but I try to honor my sweet darling by acting as she would.  She was always a nicer more forgiving, more loving and generous person than I am.  

Praying God be with little Gracie and all of her family.

iheartm,

I at 11 weeks in, really feel like I understand your point.   This is a strange and frightening journey with apparently numerous twists and turns.  Personally I have only experienced devastation to this point in my journey.  I wish you strength as you need it.  

Sweetheart I miss you so much that it makes me want to die so that I might be with you.  I know that you are in the loving embrace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and I want so bad to be with you.  There is nothing here on this Earth for me.  I love you so! I hurt so bad, it feels as if my heart has been ripped from my chest.  The pain just seems to get worse.

Katpilot, that was beautiful.  

My heart, broken as it may be, goes out to you Marg.  Reading your post, I felt like I was right there with you.  Offering a prayer for your strength to do what you need to do.     

Patty65,

Prayer to you.  Reading your post, I share similar feelings.  I am at week 10 since my Sweet Love passed.  What we are going through is Hell.  I have no answers but want you to know we are together in spirit because of our pain.  I will share that yesterday I had a better day - fewer grief ambushes, a short period where I felt like doing simple chores.  Alas, today is back to Hell.  

Prayers to all....

Woke at 0300.  Can't go back to sleep.  Get up and wash the dishes from yesterday.  Mary Kay, you were the most humane, caring and loving woman that I could ever expect to meet.  I feel tired and sad and am missing you greatly my Love.  This day will be long.

I miss kissing you as you sleep when I rise each morning.  I miss waking with a smile on my face.

Good news:  I spent a few hours being productive this date.  Still cried, most times in private, but I lost it in the County  Clerk's office where I was attempting to file paperwork relative to my sweet darling's death.

She was with me in spirit as I went places and did things that we most often did together.  Good memories, but oh so wrenching because I could not gaze on her smiling loving face, or hear her sweet voice.  Memories of the good times that were good just because we were together.

God help me! 

Love and prayers to all.

19 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Bill....your Mary Kay sounds like such a wonderful soul.....always looking for the good/happy in life!  I hope that you will try to emulate that, in her honor and loving memory, as hard as it might seem at present.  Wishing you blessings and peace.

WolfsKat, Mary Kay made me a better man, and yes I try to be more like her with her appreciation for all things and people.  Thank you!

19 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Dear Bill,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. There are little bits everyday that remind me of my husband, Mark.  Sometimes they are REAL obvious; sometimes so very subtle.  At 16 months out, it doesn't sting so much.  I find more little smiles than tears.  I never thought I would make it to this point while I wandered through the fog.  It would only be a fantasy to think I could have him back, and I can't live life that way.  It is too real.  This doesn't mean that I don't miss him every single minute of my waking hours.  My emotions sit just under the surface.  I miss his reassuring touch so much.

MaryAnn, thank you for your post - it gives me hope that someday, the pain will lessen.  I miss holding her so much.  Thank you again.

Love and prayers to each and all.

My sweet Mary Kay looked at the world and saw "wonders" or as she was prone to say, "irony".  I have lists that she made of many serendipitous occurrences in our rental home acquisitions and remodeling activities.   She always looked for and found things to be thankful to the Lord for.  Most of the time, she did not write lists - she frequently stated things she was thankful for whenever and wherever.  Such a blessing she was/is! 

The bluebonnets are in full bloom along the roadside here in N. Texas.  As I drive, I can hear my darling exclaim the beauty of each field I pass.  We would likely be holding hands.

I miss her so!  Can't see to type.

Love & prayer

Bill 

Hello all.
Have not posted recently, but always reading.  Just feeling sad.  The weather has been gloomy too, which doesn't help.  The sun is shining this morning.  This house is silent.  If Mary Kay was here, she would be getting up about now.  We would be having breakfast and planning our day.  It would be another wonderful day of our retirement.  She might insist I go to town with her to run errands.  Most times she did.  Seeing that today is Saturday, I can be confident that a few garage sales would be on her agenda. We just had fun being together.

Maybe I will get the back yard mowed.

Today is the day that I go to orientation for volunteering at the animal shelter.  Tomorrow evening is when I go to the Grief group.  

Wishing you all a little bit of peace in your day today.

Love and prayers,

Bill

Another wave has hit.  The loneliness is tearing out my heart.  Just going to the grocery store crushes my soul as my sweetheart will never hold my hand as we shop.  No more driving "up the hill" to town to run errands together, stopping for her favorite - tacos.  No more hearing her exclaim "There is a garage sale!".  Where my heart is is just a tremendous ache.  Tears coursing down.  Lost.

Gwen,

Joy to you that you make baby step(s).  Seem that that is the best we can hope for.  I will watch the birds outside my window and think of you on your journey.

Bill

Thank you Brad.  I believe that I understand what you are saying.  It sounds reasonable.  Seems that I am currently finding "reason" to be in short supply in myself at this time.  I will keep trying.

Thanks again Brad, and my best wishes and prayer for you.

Bill

To all of you wonderful sad souls who responded, I offer sincere thanks.  Reading the words of you who are experiencing the same purgatory render a slight ease to a heavy heart.  God bless you all!

 I missed a few days here, having  guests in town.  A blessing, as they both loved my sweet darling.  We attended service at Mary's church.  Lots of tears, even now as I write.  I am now alone again.

Two months my sweet darling Mary Kay has been gone.  She was my everything on this earth.  I am lost, adrift, no destination, no motivation, just existing in a sea of pain, despair and anguish.  

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it.  Only a present that builds and creates itself as the past  withdraws."  -  Author unknown.

The building blocks of the present are pain, despair, anguish and loss. What good can be built on this?

5 hours ago, Brad said:

Joyce -

I don't know about you but I'm still at a place where I will get lonely and want to be with others but as soon as I do I find myself wishing to be alone again.  

Brad,

So true, so true.  Hope it will change with time.

Polly,

I am so sorry to see that you have need to be here with the rest of us.  I can't say that there is anything to take the pain away, but here you are with others that share and feel the abyss that you are in.  I lost my sweetheart, the love of my life just seven weeks ago.  Searching for a reason to go on living and so far, failing.  The only positive that I have is that as each second, minute or hour goes by, I am that much closer to being with her.  For me too, there is no place to "go from here".  

Love and prayer to you Polly.

Patty65,

This post is my first on this board also.  Just registered yesterday, but have spent hours reading here.  Because of my reading posts hour after hour here, I am suggesting to you that you have come to a good place. 

I lost the love of my life seven weeks ago.  We too have a business, and I really do not want anything to do with it at this time, but shan't let it go because of all the memories of us working together to build it.  I have hired help to do what I used to.  My participation is now limited to decision making.  

Your story sounds much like mine.  My heart goes out to you and I pray that you can find your way not day by day but minute by minute.  This is hell what we are going through.  An exerpt from my journal today:

Another day.  Starting feeling exhausted (the new "normal").  A deep sadness has permeated my soul.  This pain hurts so bad, crashing in without warning, ripping at my heart.  I moan and wail and cry.  Exhaustion and numbness set in, and then the pain comes crashing back again. Over and over and over and....

Prayers and love to you Patty65.