Patty65

Hi Bill, Thanks for writing and sharing your journal. Oh the crashing without warning. Yesterday night I stayed at a friends house, watched a movie that was too hard, even though not about anything related, and in the morning, we went across the street to resize Ron's wedding ring, so I wouldn't lose it in the kitchen. OMG what a mistake. It's no longer Ron's, he shined it up so much, and I could not utter a word, and I raced home hysterical, pulled the curtains, and called work and told them I could not be there. So needy and alone and devastated and sobbing. I need him so badly and I can't lose one more thing. I am so sorry for your loss too. The numb-to-crashing is so intense, I understand. Patty

Hi Everyone, My name is Patty. It has been almost 4 weeks since I have lost my husband Ron, and it has been 9 days since his service. I am 50, he was 56. I don't know if this is the right spot for introductions. 10 years ago, we met on eHarmony, instant love, a wedding after 4 months, and he moved to Maui to be with me. We were the best team in the world. Almost 4 years ago, we started a business together, a pasta shop and take-out Italian place. Just a few months ago we were so happy and busy. Two years ago, he had a melanoma mole removed on his back, and a PET scan with clear results. Then, last fall, he got a lump under his arm, and by Christmas, it was all over his body. By the end of January he was in the hospital, it had gone to his brain and lungs, and 23 days later, after living in a Hospice House with him, and trying to care for him and trying to hold onto the business with just me, he passed away. I hate every expression there is for death. Nothing is right. Nothing describes it adequately. I have no family on Maui with me. Our daughter, who is away at college, and sister, just left. I have one good friend and an amazing therapist I've known for 20 years. That is my support system. Except my therapist will be having knee replacement surgery April 4, so she will be out of commission for a while. But Ron was my everything. We'd spend every day working together and strategizing the business together, he was the business side of the business, I was the culinary side. The community has been amazing in supporting the business during this ultimate nightmare, but all that is fading. But my car and business delivery vehicle was stolen from in front of Hospice just a few days before he passed, and I still don't have it back. My pain is completely overwhelming, the empty house, my best friend gone, a business to run by myself, a house I may lose, and trying to get our daughter through her last year of college financially - Ron had the credit to get loans, I do not. Everyone tells me how strong I am, and how I can get through this. I don't believe them. I'm now the boss with a business to save, and all I want to do is crawl under a rock. I didn't even know this much pain could exist. And the numb (which feels like a betrayal to Ron) and the blur of the last 2 months, and the trauma of watching him go, and trying to save him, I didn't give up hope until about two days before. Ten people will lose their job if I lose our business, and our dream and now Ron's legacy will be gone and every penny of our savings is in the business too, I'd have nothing. I know I need help with the business. But the thought of another "partner" is insanely impossible when all I want is my love back, my life back. We were so perfect together. A whirlwind of happy for 10 years. I am coming here to find support and people who understand -- I sure don't. I have no idea what is to come. Thanks for listening. Patty