dlongo

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I need to sell this house. It is way too big for me and I just can't take care of the pool and the yard and everything. It's a beautiful house but not really one I would have picked. It was definitely Joe's house and now he's not here. I came home yesterday and my realtor had come in and moved a bunch of stuff around and took down a bunch of my pictures and put up some of her own stuff. The house looks much better and not so cluttered but it doesn't feel like home. I totally broke down. It is something I have to do though. I can't live here without him. I keep seeing him coming down the stairs or sitting by the pool. It's killing me. My friends say I need some help. I'm actually afraid of losing my job. I'm cranky and they all say I need to "come back." Sometimes I feel like it's just not worth it anymore. I keep thinking I"m making a mistake about selling the house but I already put $10,000 down on the new place. I know it's the right thing to do. Deb

THanks Deborah, I was doing pretty good until yesterday. My realtor says I have to start getting rid of stuff that won't appeal to a buyer. I want to get as much for the house as I can so I know that's what I need to do. It's so very hard though. Everything in this house reminds me of Joe. October 7 would have been 11 years since we met. He always remembered that date. Our secret code when he wore a pager was 1007. Maybe that's what's making it hard for me now. We could have had such a great life together. Deb

I'm Deb and I lost my husband in June. He was 57. We moved to Arizona from Colorado at the end of June 2004 and he got sick August 10. He had a total of 3 major surgeries. He lost part of his bowel and came home with an ostomy bag that leaked constantly. I took care of him full time until I went to work part time in January 2005. Then he had his ostomy reversed and started getting better. We went on a cruise Thanksgiving 2005 but when we came home he got sick and we found out his kidneys had failed. They put him on dialysis but he lost his appetite and refused to eat. I tried everything ... they put him on appetite stimlators but nothing worked. For 4 months he sat upstairs in the bathroom and smoked and drank beer. He got skinnier and skinnier. He wanted me to cut my hours down at work but I was too damn selfish to do it. I kept telling him "they need me at work." He didn't say anything but now I realized he needed me at home. In April I had to put him in an assisted living group home because I was afraid he would fall at home. He just went downhill, they were supposed to encourage him to eat but it didn't happen. They finally called paramedics the end of May because he was having trouble breathing. They put him in the hospital and put a tube in his nose for nutrition. It didn't help. He passed away on June 9. The day before was my day off and I went to see him in the hospital but I didn't stay very long because I wanted to get my nails done. He called me and wanted me to come back to the hospital but the nurse said he was ok and was just mad because they wouldn't give him any water. He died at 7 am the next day. I'm feeling so guilty...I just can't deal with this any more. I didn't even get a chance to ell him I'm sorry.