CharKath

I did go see my doctor back in may. He said I had situational depression and offered me stuff, but I wanted to hold off and see if the work would straighten me out. So far it hasn't. I have found out being outside all day and working keeps me from getting so down. We had a long rainy day this week and I about fell apart. I need to be out and keep my mind busy. Suppose to rain all day tomorrow, but be nice all next week. That's something to look forward to.

I'm definitely working. Baled hay last week, ground feed and worked in the garden today. Going to work on the combine tomorrow. Planting crops I was putting in 12-16 hour days and no difference. I can be dead on my butt and still lay awake at night. When Charley was here he was my protector and I felt 100% safe. Now he's gone I hear everything, my imagination works overtime, I don't feel safe anymore. Its the middle of summer and my windows are all closed because of that. And I don't have a/c just fans. I was never afraid of the dark before, but I am now. Ain't that awful to admit to for an adult.

Another short night last night. That's two in a row now. I went to bed at midnight and at 4:38 was still awake. Then I fell asleep sometime after that only to wake up at 7:25!!! Ive never had so much trouble sleeping in my life. I was getting 6&7 hours while staying nights with my friends. But after 3 months I knew i had to come home and sleep has escaped me ever since. How long does this keep up? Its now starting the 9th month of this. Is there an average time for this to go away or like everything else in this journey,an individual thing and no one knows?

Butch, So sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathies. I'm so glad your dad is staying with you. Your going to need each other. The picture of Gracie and your mom is precious.

Gee I'm sorry about all your health problems. Sounds like your a tough one to keep down though. Charley and me were always pretty healthy. We only had one cold in the last 7 years. Of course being home bodies helps I'm sure. I've been farming for 38 years now and by myself really the last two. But Charley was right there watching and could answer any questions I had. He'd sit on the front porch and watch and wave to me as I worked. We were a team. We thought alike, knew the farm came first, could finish each other sentences, soulmates are just the best thing ever. It was wonderful to have someone who had your back and could rub it too.

I'm trying, but its hard. I don't know I'm gonna get through this. How do people manage to do this? I'm lacking something I think.

Its going to be one of those nights. I'm tired but can't sleep and I just want my Charley back. I need one of his bear hugs and I love you from him. Its just unimaginable never getting that again. My guilt and regret have got together again are running amuck in my mind. I tried to do everything right, but I don't know. Never will I guess. I wish he could tell me himself I did OK, its not fair. Wishing for someone to talk to is no good, they're all in bed. I hate these four hour nights, but after 8 months I should be used to it. I don't see how this gets better tonight. Seems like I just lost him. Can't keep it together at all. What did i do to deserve this? Not fair.

Things went OK with my hay. Sunday i picked up 222 by myself. On monday a friend helped with the last 268. Found one new zerk on the baler I didn't know about. Haven't tackled that clutch yet. I have to find out what they consider top and bottom on that yoke. Right now there's a heck of a loud thunderstorm rolling in. I now hate those. That's something else that isn't fair. We used to sit on the front porch together and watch storms and rainy days. I felt safe with Charley there. Its just scarey now. Not fair.

Hi that was then. I'm sorry for your loss too. And kayc is right, sounds like a slippery slope your approaching. I think too you should seek counsel seperatly. Things might get out of hand and I'm sure neither if you would want that.

What a short night. Only 4 hours after a hot, humid ten hour day. Its taking forever for my sleeping to improve. Its not fair. Temps have been in the eighties, 90 today though. Farming alone is tough. Charley needs to grease the baler, I'm not sure I'm getting all the zerks. Its not fair. And his tractors clutch is getting tight. Adjusting those was his job too. The book says remove the clevis pin and turn yoke counterclockwise to proper adjustment. At which direction is that? Looking down at the top of the yoke or up from the bottom? I don't want to know this. That's Charley's job. And I can't find him to ask. Its not fair. Its gonna be a long day. Everyone is busy today. I get to do this by myself. Its not fair. I guess I better do chores. Time is marching along. Tomorrow is eleven months. I don't know how that can be. I just lost him. Its not fair. I think the word "time" should be considered a bad four letter word. It drags you along whether you want to go or not. Sometimes its been kicking and screaming. Its not fair. I have soooo many questions I need to ask Charley. He'd know. But he isn't here to ask. So here I am, stumbling along, spinning in place. Its not fair.

Hi Butch, sorry your old friend ruined your day. I've been down that road several times with my friends. I've never said anything to them when they say bad things like that, but I've often thought being punched might of been less painful. I had quit talking about Charley because of such things. Now that I've found all of you here on this site, I'll talk about Charley here and won't have to worry about such remarks from everyone else. I guess unless your really sure who your talking to, mum's the word. Hold and love your little girl, she'll never let you down. CharKath

Thanks for the welcome everyone.Coming here will be very good for me. I can say anything and you guys will understand. I think maybe not talking all this time is what was slowing me down. Its funny how your so numb and zombie like those first few months, I don't remember much at all about harvest or last cutting of hay. But I did it. Nothing seemed real until February and then it all melted away. It took me 6 months of that till suddenly, this is the way its gonna be from now on. I don't do well single and having Charley was perfect. I wouldn't of changed a thing. But after February I was absolutely miserable and then I came across this website. I was constantly reading here. You guys were writing things for me word for word, so I knew this must be normal and if it takes one year so be it or if it takes four years so be it. (Quite frankly I think I'm going to fall closer to the four year one.) But now at least I have hope. Someplace to come to and talk and there'll be kind encouraging words to help me along. Thank you.

Thanks everyone so much for the warm welcome and reassuring words. my friends just don't realize what they say is bad. One is my best friend and has been since we were five. Its just the way she is so I understand her. Another two are married and bless them they let me sleep on their couch for three months. We eat together sometimes and ocassionly go fishing. They just believe in the tough love thing that definitely doesn't work for this. My last two friends are also a couple, but they are weary of this too. I'm just not going to bring Charley up anymore with them and then everything is just fine. However not talking about Charley is leaving me feel like I have a big ball of frustration or something inside that's going to burst. I cry at anything and right now just seeing his picture sets me off. I miss him so much. Its hard not getting all the hugs, kisses, love and attention and understanding your better half gives you. In all those 33 1/2 years, there was only two days that I didn't get to see him. We were and I still am farmers. We were together 24/7 twelve months a year. I was totally happy. On a scale of one to ten, usually nine and a half or higher. Livestock or equipment troubles were what ruined days. We always held hands in the truck. Take the long scenic route when getting parts or going out to eat. Never went to bed mad either. We just never got mad at each other. If it was too hot to cuddle when we went to bed, we fell asleep holding hands. He was so sweet and caring. Its just seems so unreal I'll never hear him say Kathie dear. Its not fair, but we don't live forever. Life just sucks that way. It makes me tired.

Thanks Marg M. I live in the country. My friends are pretty good, but they have no clue about loosing a spouse. I finally got one of them to kinda understand when he was trying to give me advice. He said I had to try harder and I replied that doesn't work for me and when he got frustrated I said do you know why it works for you and not me? And he didn't and I said because at the end of the day you still have your wife to hold and kiss and love and my Charley is gone. He's been pretty understanding since.

Hi. New member, although I've been visiting here regularly since the third week of February. I'm not sure how to start this, bear with me. Charley was my husband of 33 1/2 years. I lost him almost 11 months ago. He was my reason for living, the joy in my life, he was my everything period. I have no close family, just 5 friends. Lately they have been after me to mow my yard. It hasn't been mowed yet this year and yes it was higher than my waist. A mess, but then that's the way I feel. My house is just as bad. One friend came and started my lawnmower when he tired of hearing my excuse it doesn't start. So I did mow my front yard and I hated it and fought tears the whole time. Now I'm hearing how nice it looks, what a pretty house. Great, i want to crawl in a hole and everyone is so happy. I didn't mow it for me, but for them. No one gets that it was tall for a reason. They'll think everything is great and going well and its not. But no one picked up on it. I don't talk about Charley to them anymore. Way too many remarks. Get a hobby, second job, get over it, try harder, stop feeling sorry for my self and the worst one by far, "oh boo hoo, you think your the only one to loose someone", has completly shut me down from talking about him. I can count on both hands how many times I've repeated the last week of Charley's life. I do know its suppose to get better and I sure wish it would start soon. I'm tired of waiting and need something to grab for. Looking forward to being with my friends is it. Coming home to this empty, lonely house just stinks. Its no longer home, just shelter from the elements. I actually have slept in my truck and the cab tractor when all the creaks and bumps and thumps from the house gets too hard to handle. It just gets to be too much. I dont sleep well anyway and that doesnt help. I've been reading a lot here and so many stories could be my own. I want a fast cure and sadly there is none as so many of you have found out. A majic pill would be nice, but a do over that last week would be even better.