seachelle

Fundamentally, the mind is an organ just like any other and sometimes, medicine helps it.

I really implore you all not to spend money on psychics.  The chance that what you hear is legitimate is slim and may lead to have negative feelings down the road if you end up wasting money on a bad experience.  I'd work on ADC's, like dream meetings and focusing on feeling the person's energy around you.  I've heard that journaling before bed about what you'd like to dream about can improve your chances of having that content occurr.

Sad for the kid to be living in that environment.  

Hi there, have you spoken with your doctor about your feelings that the antidepressant isn't working as well as it could?  Unfortunately, depression often comes with grief, so untangling the two can be difficult.  No amount of antidepressant can take away the loss.  Other medications can make you feel high so that you don't feel the loss as much.  However, if you don't think it's working, you may want to try a different med.  I had to try several before finding one that works, but I still get breakthrough anxiety and depression because that's life.  I think the best treatment for depression is behavioral.  Are you seeing a therapist?

That sounds intolerable.  I'm glad that your property manager is responsive.  In the meantime have you considered using ear plugs or headphones with relaxing music when you need peace and quiet.  I have always lived in close quarters with others so these tools have been a life line at times.  Also, I generally don't complain about marijuana, most responsible, adult smokers are smart enough to conceal it from their neighbors so it's not a problem.  However, I have found that ppl who use strong incense are often masking marijuana or other types of illicit smoking behavior. That is something else you could alert prop management too if the noise ordinance is not followed.

Hi CMCX, I lost my dad at 26, though we were never close. He hadn't been a good parent so in a way, I'd already gone through the grieving process with him by the time he passed. Now I'm 34 and my mom's health is swiftly declining.  There are certain feelings that seem to come fall under the umbrella of "grief".  These include anger (often feeling cheated because of the loss), guilt (feeling like you should have done more or something else), sadness (usually comes if you are in the process of accepting that the loss has occurred, helplessness (the errie feeling that you should have been able to solve the problem, along with the realization that ultimately, there was nothing you could do) and there are a host of other.  For many, the feelings come in waves, often the feelings can occur at the same time.  I currently feel a lot of sadness, anger and helplessness as I watch my mom deteriorate, though I know there is nothing I can do really.  For me, the anger is the hardest.  It comes in waves, closely tailed by sadness.  I just can't help that I am being cheated when I personally know people who are in their 60's and still have one or both parents.  I also have some fear.  I am worried about how my relationships with my siblings will change when she is gone.  I think my siblings and I need to acknowledge and accept that our relationships are changing, that as the leader in the family (and the source of law and order) is diminished, we will all need to step up and mature so that we can take that role in our own lives.

With regard to your feelings of not remembering her as accurately as you want to, have you considered journaling or scrap booking about your relationship. That could help you preserve some of your most favorite memories.  I may consider doing something like that down the road.  Also, I don't know if you are close to your brother, but sometimes talking about the person helps, especially with shared memories.

Clemantis, you say your dad speaks full sentences and you  mentioned that on at least one occassion someone else seemed to hear him too, but how do you distinguish his voice from your thoughts.  How do you know you aren't just thinking of his voice which you know well, saying things he's be likely to say?

You will likely recieve many shades of approval or disapproval to this questions depending on how the commentor feels about the existence of the afterlife and psychic abilities.  I have a had a couple of psychic experiences myself, though discussing them is very personal.  Despite having my own psychic experiences, I generally don't believe in mediums.  There are a lot of ways that these people can subtly mine your body language for information to use against you to gain money.  There have been studies done showing how "mediums" are able to decieve people into going along with information they appear to be presenting, which is really gleaned from the persons own body language and reactions to the "mediums" probe questions.  I won't go so far as to say that psychic experiences don't occur, but I don't believe in mediums and wouldn't go to one unless they were willing to participate for free.

Hello, I am the same age as you and going through illness with my elderly parent.  Grief is devastating.  I as just telling someone else that it's like being plunged into a major depression with bipolar tendencies, the way it comes in waves.  I've had to seek therapy before when I was broke as well.  I was able to find it at a couple of universities who offered free or low cost therapy provided by psychology and MFT students.  You might find something similar if you call the health centers at the universities near you.  You don't have to be a student.  I had good experiences with this both times I used it in two different cities.  I haven't lost mine yet but she is going through declining health and I know that it is around the corner so to speek.  I wish I had better advice. From what I gather the grief never totally goes away, as in you will never stop missing the person, but can diminish a lot. Have you tried any lifestyle aides for the anxiety/depression, such as yoga, excersize and doing the things we all know we should do to take care of ourselves?  Do you have a support network.  And lastly, while I don't advocate medication, I use it and find it helpful.  Just something to consider.

I wish there was something I could do for you!  I know this feelings.  Many people on this forum say that grief comes in waves and that is my experience too.  It's slightly consoling to know that the feelings will ebb, not completely, but maybe for a while.  It's amazing how little grief is spoken of or accounted for in our culture considering how devastating it is.  It's like being plunged into a major depression with bipolar tendencies yet there are so few support groups, and so few supports in general.  All I can say is that what you are experiencing is normal.  You are not alone!  We are here for you!  Many contributors have tips on coping as well though it's hard to discuss them without sounding trite.  All you can do is give yourself a break and try to be good to yourself as you go through this.  

Well that's too bad.  It is likely something he will come to regret.

I think in the best of time, resentments arise.  In worse times, they really show their ugly heads.  It's possible that your brother has his reasons for not participating.  If he lives elsewhere and doesn't visit often or communicate with the family much, it may be that he doesn't feel close to the family.  It could also be the case that he is avoiding the painful emotions he would likely experience by coming to visit.  Neither option is an excuse but, unfortunately, some people would rather avoid their loved ones during their final years that be with them to experience the grief.  I don't think you are going crazy at all.  Was your brother present for your dad's memorial?  Perhaps it's time to have a very frank conversation about the fact that your mother's health is declining, if you haven't been super direct already, now is the time.

Glad to have you here Jason!  Please feel free to share or ask for tips.

I agree with KayC, it's no use to continue pursuing someone only to get wounded again.  It may be time to tell him goodbye, even if only in actions.  I wouldn't continue to pursue him.  It's going to be hard, breaking up with a loved one always is, but it's time to start focusing on the rest of your life.  He may come around after being without you, but he may not.  He's the only one who can decide if the relationship is something he can do right now.  I would take this year you have given yourself at live it as well as you can. You don't want the year to lapse and end up pursuing him, or falling back with him, out of desperation.  Above all, trust him when he tells you that he cannot be a good partner right now.  You deserve better.

I'm just gonna throw this out there...since you guys don't know me in person you can't use it against me   I take Zoloft and I don't know how I'd be doing without it.  It's no one's business.  I'd say to keep trying therapy but only you know if it could work.  I don't advocate for medication, but I know it can be a life boat when you are struggling to get on your feet.  Just my two cents.

Hey guys, anyone have difficulty relating to siblings while their parent was ill, ailing or recently passed?  My siblings and I squabble here and there about how various situations should be handled, but more than anything, I think we are all paralyzed with fear.  In a weird way, we remind each other of mom, and that reminds us that there is a problem.  Also, when we do get together it is difficult to find other things to talk about and we often swirl the drain or depressing thoughts and topics related to mom.  I know that we will need each other when this is all over, but I'm worried that we are losing touch.  It's tough to be around each other right now.  Anyone else experience this?  Tips for getting over it?

So sorry for you loss!  More than anyone we expect our siblings and friends to be with us till the end.  I know I often fantsize that I won't be the last to go.  Unfortunately, it seems that someone is always, "the last".  Try to surround yourself with supportive family and friends that are left.  If friends are scarce try to make new ones.  Above all, know that your grief is normal and that you are not alone.  We are here for you!

Hi Shari, I don't know if everyone feels like this but I find myself getting annoyed when people who know my mom is elderly ask me how she's doing.  I know many of them have no idea that she's ill in any way, but some do and continue to ask.  Generally, if I don't bring up the topic it's because I'm trying not to think about because some days that's all I do.  I don't want to be a vending machine for sad stories when I'm trying to socialize like a normal young adult.  I have taken to lying and giving very brief responses, literally, when people ask if she's good I just say "yep!" and change the subject.

Yes, thank you MartyT!

On 8/20/2016 at 4:18 AM, Gfdez said:

I guess I'm writing this to vent to people that have experienced similar things, as I feel everyone I talk to (including my mum) says inappropriate, insensitive clichés such as 'dont be sad', 'it's time to move on' and so on. I can see why people don't realise why these are not great things to say to someone who's grieving. I don't blame them; it is simply impossible for anyone to understand this sort of pain. It is a lonely process that I'll have to learn to deal with, but I will always feel sad about it. 

My dad died three months ago at the age of 57.

I moved from Venezuela over to Scotland 8 years ago, it had been 5 years since I seen him. He had cancer, of which he didn't tell me about as a way to protect me, so as it might have not been unexpected for everyone, it was unexpected to me. He was my hero,  my giant. The person I phoned at 3 am when I was drunk and sad and had no one to talk to, he never judged me for being an addict. I admired his analytical mind so much that he basically became my editor. Each of my projects was his work too, because nothing was finished until I thought he was pleased with it. Nothing I can write can really describe how much I love him and I could write a book about it. 

So needless to say, I've been unbelievable sad about his dead. I went back home for a month a day after he died and I saw his illness. It was very real. I saw all the medical gear that a terminal cancer patient has, photos of him skinny as he's never been -I remember I always told him that he needed to watch his weight, he was fat. I thought he could have had a heart attack. I wanted him to be healthy-, I read an essay he wrote about his disease where he explained that he couldn't even go to the toilet by himself. Before that I pictured my dad to be OK, not healthy, but not in the edge of dying. He always said that he was OK, every now.and then he mentioned his stomach was 'a little bit in pain', and that was it. 

I have no one I can talk about my projects, no one to calm me down like he used to. I'm scared I forget his voice, am I going to forget his voice? I don't have any recordings. I've been crying everyday for hours at the time. Me and my girlfriend are both worried about my mental health,  I've quit my job (which I don't think it's a big deal but I did quit because I was too sad to work). My relationship with my dad was unique, he was my best friend, and now he's gone and I don't really know what to do. I keep myself busy writing, mostly about him, and doing what I love. But my daily life is gone to s***, I don't know what to do.

So sorry for your loss!  Grief can come in waves and when it hits me sometimes I wonder how I will function.  It's good that you are being proactive in finding a counselor.  I hope you were able to do so.  Being a chef is extremely stressful I've heard.  Also, I don't know what the labor laws in Scotland are like, but hopefully, if you seek employment again in the future you will be able to take time off here and there to take care of yourself and grieve.  In the meantime, please come on here anytime.  We are all in similar boats and its less scary to be with others.  Safety in numbers.

Hi Ella, I agree with Shari.  It's no one's business to tell you that what you are experiencing isn't normal under the circumstances.  You experienced a severe loss and such a young age and it's unclear what kind of support network you had in the aftermath.  Often, family members and friends aren't able to be supportive as we need them to be, which is so much harder for such a young person.  

Regardless, what you are experiencing is interfering with your quality of life.  It's time to seek outside assistance whatever than may me.  Maybe it's one to one therapy, maybe it's an in person support group, maybe it's medication if you feel that would help.  Either way, I urge you to take of yourself.  No one can make you do it, but there's no point suffering in silence.  We all know that our loved one's would want us living life, not locked in grief.  If you can, I'd get in touch with the medical center at your college and see if they have therapy resources.  Many colleges do have no or low cost therapy options and other mental health services for students.

In the meantime, I hope you are able to gain support here.  Please message me if you need to.  Best.  Michelle

I truly respect your efforts to support your family members through their end of life!  I hope you were able to resolve this situation in a way that was beneficial for everyone.  You are so young to be taking on this responsibility.

I agree this would be helpful, even if it isn't used often.  Other forums have sections that aren't used often, but sometimes just reading another person's story can bring relief in those moments when we feel so alone.  I think this is great and should be added and left in place even if it isn't posted on much!  Why get rid of it if even a few grievers find it helpful in their time of need?!

On 8/20/2016 at 9:47 PM, Amy Wamy said:

Hi Seachelle,

Sorry to hear about your Mum, now that it's the end of August and you posted back in June/July, I hope she is still with you. Anyway, what I wanted to say was no, I personally don't think it is that common for young people to lose parents at a young age, but it does happen; as you say, most of your friends parents are quite young. 

Now, I am 23 and when I was 15, I lost my Mum to a brain tumour and my Dad hasn't spoken to me since I was 9/10, so apart from having a lovely Grandmother taking over those roles and caring for me, I now have no parents. Quite a bit different to what you're going through, but I suppose it's similar. My experience of carrying on after a death will be different to yours, but I can tell you that it's not easy, and it will probably be something that you'll have to learn to cope with in your own way.

As Shari say, you can speak to us any time you like! 

I hope our messages find you well!

Amy :-)

Thanks for the reply, I was desperate the night I posted about the lack of responses.  The grief comes in waves and tends to knock me over when it comes.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I guess it's a journey most people would rather not undertake, and are scared to even hear of.  Maybe that's why grief is so rarely discussed.  It truly helps me to hear from others going through similar experiences.  Please reach out to me as well if you need to talk.  I will try to be more consistent in my attendance to these boards.  Best.  Michelle

On 8/27/2016 at 3:58 AM, ella said:

My name is Ella, I'm 21 and lost my Mum at 16. xxx

Thank you so much for chiming in.  I'm so sorry for your loss Ella!  I hope these boards are providing you with necessary support. They are helpful to me as I know very few young ppl in these circumstances and it seems everyone else is scared to talk about it for fear it will happen to them!  Please reach out to me if you need to talk.  I will try to be more consistent with my forum attendence.  Best.  Michelle