PennyS

Thank you, much appreciate.

Marita, Do you have any suggestions for us as It's so on my mind. We keep telling Zoe that it's not her responsibility to do this but I don't think my words resonate. I would love some insight or tools that would allow me to 'show' her that this is true and not just keep telling her. If you were your parents, knowing what you know now, how would you have dome things differently? Please know you don't have to answer...I'm more or less talking out loud. ~ Penny

Thank you Marita, its been a horribly tragic loss not only for myself and my husband but also for her older sister who now is an only child. She has her grief too but she also carries the added burden of quilt (survivors guilt), no sister, no best friend, feeling solely responsible for trying to 'hold us up'. People always say to us 'at least you still have one daughter' which does not help one bit. After all...which child would they be willing to give up? Everything we do as a 'family' now is a huge reminder of the gap. Just sitting at the table is tough, we all look at where Marley used to sit. In order to not feel the pain so deeply, we've decided to change some of our old family rituals just to make things a little easier. Its what we all call 'self preservation'. Its all part of finding your new path on this very unwanted journey.

Thanks elb, I agree, the managing get better but the loss is still huge and hard! I get up every morning and look in my daughters room because there are still days where it feels like this has all been just one huge nightmare and maybe, just maybe she'll be in her bed. Its just so hard to see her friends all graduating from college, getting married, starting families. She'll never have that, we won't have that, her sister will never have an aunt for her children, or cousins on our side of the family. The loss is greater than just a hole, its a vortex of deep and vast nothingness!

I am four and a half years out from my 18 year old daughters death and there are days I still can't get out of my own way. In the first two years I kept thinking 'be gentle with yourself' or 'you're still broken, give yourself the time and space to heal' but now I'm starting to think that this is just the new normal for me. I recognize it, I meditate and am rather mindful so I decided to let it be and work with it. I made a 'memory station' in my house and office. When are things I need to do or deadlines, appointments, assignments etc. I write them down on bright colored paper and post them up in the same location everything so that I know this is where I need to go to find things. It's helped. Some days are better than others though. For some reason I find this system more helpful than putting everything in my calendar on my computer. Just the way my brain works I guess.