Autumn2

Guess this says it all. Posted in local newspaper today. Hope it helps someone else.

On 11/17/2017 at 3:27 AM, DaveM said:

George, 335 days since I last spoke with my love. 

Alas, about the same for me. I dont count the days but if I did, it would be close. (12/4). I miss my Tom sooooo much.

4 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Cookie, I definitely understand and feel the same way at times.  I signed up for "and lived happily ever-after".  Alas, for all of us here, life has not turned out that way.  I have learned that "FEELINGS" are not always the facts but they do eventually lead me to the truth. 

On some days, I almost feel " normal" not like before but a new kind of normal.  I'm still reminded daily there is no longer "WE" in the physical sense but there still is in the mental/spiritual realm.  Sometimes, I feel like I am vacillating in three different worlds at the same time (past;present;future).  This grief healing work is a strange dance indeed.

I have had to face some new realities lately but that's okay.  It's kind of like life... It doesn't always turn out like we plan in our minds.

 

... I'm still fixated on the idea that you have to get three shots for bee venom allergies.. UGH!   I hate shots... even bee stings!  Praying you will find something to look forward to and hope for on your grief healing journey.  - Shalom, George

 

I have a necklace my hubby gave me with three diamonds...yesterday, today, tomorrow. Cannot wear it any more. There is no today or tomorrow.

Kayc. Brought a smile to me when you said “they probably would not let me live on my own if they knew just how much”, yep I can relate!

Gwen. I am so sorry for what you and others are going thru. For me ONLY 11 months and December coming up. Wish I could forget it. December is his death day, his birthday, my birthday, Christmas and his brother’s birthday and death day. One long lasting sleeping pill lasting for a month for me would be ideal. I dont even want to think about it. Yes, I went thru last December but really was in a daze. Unfortunately not so this year. And you mention sureal...that is me too. I look at our pictures of over 50 years together and wonder did he really exist. I cannot believe he is gone. And the sureal thing if I told anybody they would think I was nuts...well maybe I am but glad it is not just me. Anyway, I wish you the best of what can be in this dismal life right now. Dismal for me as there is nothing for me to look forward too. Yes, bad day today for me. Gentle hugs.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Quite the timing you asked that question about being hit  with the reality of it, Tom.   Although I am facing 3 years in less than 2 weeks, I was wondering if something was wrong with me because it feels so much worse now.  I talked to my counselor about it and he said that timing and events are different for everyone.  He had some clients it took 5 years before it truly hit them.  He calls it acute grief that people assume we experience at the time if the death, but it's very different.  That is more shock and disbelief.

The last 3 years were certainly hard, full of grief and all that comes with it.  Is year, tho, I feel truly beaten down to the point of what is the purpose of going on.   He will never be back.  I will die alone. In between I have no one to share the time I have.  I wake every day with thoughts and plans and no one to share them with.    I've handled small and major things on my own so I know I am capable.  But this year some events happened that held a magnifying glass to the reality and I cannot look away.  It's finally become real.  Part is taking no pleasure of accomplishment for what I do.  It's all just a pain in the ass now.  It can be as small as little chore we shared or as large as getting a call after all this time from someplace that didn't know he had died.  

Now the changes around me have a big impact.  Not that I thought there was, but I see so clearly there is no going back and the road ahead of me.  It's what has been talked about in other topics. Assumptions we are 'better' with the knowledge.  We are more adapted to doing for ourself because we have no other choice.  Maybe it is that choice that is missing that is a big trigger.  Without getting profoundly detailed about things that happened to me this year, what I can say from many sessions with my counselor is that in voicing them  I am understanding why this feels like the first year of ultimate true reality.  One hugely significant change and then the constant little ones are taking a toll.  Time is irrelevant.  This is my time of painfully acute grief.  All it has done is reset the clock and this is my first year I see the truth of it.  No books, platitudes or anything can ease my soul and heart.  Timing is hard because talking with people is far past their understanding of the permanence of this so it becomes more isolating.  They've 'heard it all before' kinda thing.  

While  I absolutely hate how intense this is, at least I know I am not going crazy.  Well, in some ways yes, but in keeping with what I am dealing with.  I have no interest in life right now.  Medical issues are info gathering only to me to decide what is worth pursuing with so little motivation.  They (whoever they are) say do it for yourself.  Easy to say if you had a love of life.  The redundancy of days upon days in this new life I never wanted have beaten me down.  I've missed all the things we do, his voice, his presence, his lifeforce for so long.  Do you ever get used to a lifeless house after 30 plus years?  I don't know, sure can't see it now.  He has been replaced with an iPad to fill my hours at night.  Hardly warm and cozy.  I don't read articles on grief anymore.  I am a veteran yet a newbie.  I have found no answers.  I don't have that belief I will see him again which makes it harder.  If I'm wrong, great, but I have to live in this world now watching life go on and often in happy ways for others.  I'm functional.  Like a robot.  I've become a good little widow in the eyes of the world.  I keep it to myself.  A big thing I have noticed is no one really asks how I am doing about this.  I wish someone would sincerely so I could have a good cry and not be alone doing so.  

Now I go out and do 'normal' things like shopping and then come home to this wonderful home we made that feels lifeless.  Where is that guy who helped me unload or had a smile and signs of life within?  I don't count the dogs because they have adapted as animals do.

Sorry for the novel.  Your post just brought everything I struggle with to the surface.    

So very, very sorry. I can so relate to what you are going thru "but" just eleven months for me. I wake up and think darn I woke up, then  i think well I woke up and didnt have a stroke and couldnt care for myself. It is a toss up!

Just watched Our Souls and could relate. I watch a lot of TV as it blocks out a lot of painful thoughts. Anything really romantic I cannot watch right now. Besides the ones already listed (and I guess we all gravitate to the same stuff), I like Bletchly Circle, Land Girls, Wallander and Tom Selleck's character Jesse Stone...all available on Netflix.  Bletchly Circle and Land Girls all relate to the time of WW2. Oh, also forgot, absolutely loved all seasons of Call the Midwives...also Netflix .  Anything to get me thinking about other things.

I am soooo very sorry. Just doesnt seem fair!

I like numbness!

I can so relate and have real fear about falling...almost to the point of ptsd. Almost two years ago I fell down a staircase while carrying a microwave. Couldnt really see the steps and obviously wasnt using the handrails...well in the fall I severely sprained my right ankle and broke my femur...you know the big bone in your leg. Fortunately my wonderful hubby was home. Surgery involved putting a rod in the femur and two screws at the top and two at the knee. The whole rod is about twelve inches.  I was in hospital three days and rehab for a week (no, not drugs or alcohol). It took me a minimum six months to get back to a semblance of normal. Could not drive for that long as right foot/leg. I am sooo lucky as bone united well. Now I get around faily well...certainly not normal but okay. Not much pain in leg but more problems with foot and ankle.  Now my ptsd..remembering the fall in Slow motion and knowing now I am alone. My husband was wonderful thru all of this and now he is gone and no one so i am so careful...maybe too careful. Guess i am nuts. Anyway, I feel for all of us seniors because yes it sure isnt for sissies.

Dewr Gwen

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I dont understand men (and it seems men are more like this...sorry guys). Do they feel invinsible? I dont know. Just know we are left. For me...if only my hubby had gone to the hospital for the backache earlier AND if the hospital are disgnosed and treated his kidney stone sepsis in a timely manner...maybe things would be different soooo I have some anger toward hubby but a whole, whole lot to the hospital which had a sepsis protocol and didnt follow it. He had every symptom of sepsis. Even red flagged hours before he was given fluids or antibiotics...guess they were too inept to see. So much for sepsis protocols if not followed. Still maybe that kidney stone had it been treated would have not gone into septic shock. 

On 7/8/2017 at 11:22 AM, Victoria (Vicky) said:

My name is Victoria ( Vicky ) I lost my partner June 25, 2017. I have not really cried I miss him dearly. He went to fast.

Terry was only 62 with a lot of health problems. I keep thinking he is fine and he is coming home when the other part of me knows he is gone.

The pain is so unreal at times and yet I can't to cry. In 2007 I lost my mom and dad aunt and uncle. Mom and dad a month apart. I did not cry.

So how long before I let go? My partner was worried about me losing it. So I told him that I would not. Please help me with this. thanks Vicky

Dear Vicky...I, too, find it difficult to cry and it has been 7 months. I am one that. cries,over an animal's death, the flag, anything patriotic and yet cant for my hubby. I have been a critical care nurse for 40 years and have learned how to shut things off BUT now I cant for the love of my life. I get easily choked up and physically feel ill but rarely any tears or if there are so very few. Many months back after his death I would get the shakes and I think that was my body's way of letting go. I think the many years of guarding my emotions with death have caused this. When I am really choked up I find sad movies allow me to cry. One in Particular loosened the dam was TAKING CHANCE on netflix but anything that worked. My hubby and I were married almost 52 years and I loved/love him with all my heart. I wish I could release the dam more but you are not alone.

On 7/3/2017 at 6:35 PM, Marg M said:

I bought him a card last year and put it beside his wooden urn.  I looked at them this year, didn't buy one.  I know I was lucky to have 54 years when most of you did not get even half of that much.  I think of him every day though, I hear him when a chair moves.  He is not always on the bed beside me anymore and I cannot hear him.  And most of all, I cannot believe he is gone.......but he is. I know he is in my heart, my head, my memory, but he is still gone.  

We had been married almost 52 years. This last weekend was seven months. How can it be that he is gone...and most importantly is how can I still be alive when I hurt so bad? Maybe I too am dead and just dont know it but then again maybe I am and do know it. Alas, right now things really "suck" for a better word, a word I used to think was awful. Guess lots of things are changing.

On 7/1/2017 at 10:19 AM, mittam99 said:

Marg, I find the bending over is getting tougher but it's getting back up that's the really hard part.

A little over a year ago I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my femur...thank goodness my wonderful hubby was there. Anyway it was a good nine months before I could into the tub (and out) by myself and get up off the floor if I need to get all the way down there to do something. All I can say is it sure isnt a pretty site but I can do it. Fortunate, as I have no one to help me now.  To show how bad it was, at about six months I got on my hands and knees to pick up the tv remote and could not push myself up and my hubby couldn't pull me up as it involved bending the knee which I could not do. This was at 2 am. Fortunately he was able to shove a small foot stool under my bottom and then was able to pull me up without knee being bent. All of this got better when I had a pesky knee screw removed which was causing all the trouble. After this fall it became really obvious how much we depended on each other so being alone is really scary for those of us, in particular, who are not spring chickens...more old hens.

I can so relate to every single one of you. One son visited for a few days and it was wonderful then...he is gone and the loneliness that was there before is only compounded. If I am home...which is most of the time...the tv is on morning to night. At night I like audiobooks from overdrivemedia app. Free books. I listen to on iphone or walkman and probably other devices. Listen as I fall asleep and if I wake up I put them on again. They (and the tv) help my wondering brain. Netflix is indeed wonderful as is Hulu and Amazon Prime. Hulu and Amazon Prime I get thru my son (some sort of family thing so no cost to me so if any of your friends or relatives have they mAy be able to add you. I have not tried Roku. I need the audio distraction for sure. Sorry so difficult for so many of us. Dont write much but read almost daily and sends gentle hugs to each and every one of you.

Gee, anybody else talking to themselves at times...particularly when trying to do/repair something?!  One more crazy thing.

5 hours ago, mbbh said:

I am new here, new to a raw normal I didn't sign up for, widowed at age 47. I don't like the word "widow," yet it is descriptive. We were college sweethearts and he was the love of my life. My husband of 23 1/2 years, John, died after a failed attempt to repair an aneurysm. He fought and beat cancer and was as clear as he was ever going to be. Two months later a wellness scan showed a rare and complicated SMA aneurysm. No one in our home state had the expertise to tackle it so we went to Houston, TX where a world renowned vascular surgeon repaired the aneurysm. John developed a blood clot and we practically lived in ICU for 3 weeks after his initial surgery and 6 more surgeries to boot. He died with our son and I by his side on Nov 22, 2016.

I am lost. I thought I could handle this. I have done a grief group at Hospice, spoken publicly to try to make meaning, am in therapy, and nothing takes this pain away. I write. I read. I lean and I breathe. I fall apart over going to the mailbox. It isn't going to end, is it?

I am trying to deal with it as an absorption instead of a process to which there is an end. I don't know who I am now. We were "we," getting use to an empty nest when our son went off to college just a year prior. Now we are not "we," and empty nest holds new meaning. I don't mean to sound all depressing. It is simply where I am in this moment.

I am so sorry and feel your great sadness. Everyone here can relate in one way or another. We all GET it...all the ups, downs ( or should I say mainly downs.)

Pat. I am so sorry for your sadness. Emptiness is the perfect word! Gentle hugs.

Dont know what to say. I wish you more than well. Many hugs!

When I go to Phoenix next I will look for you. Sorry about what you have been through. Cant imagine. 

5 hours ago, Mike's Girl said:

Nightwinds,

It is amazing to me how similar our stories are.  My Michael had Loeys-Dietz Syndrome, which is the ugly cousin of Marfan's.  Surprisingly, it wasn't the LDS that took him, when we were always in constant worry that it would.  We too endured numerous emergency trips to the hospital, all of which were a life or death situation.  Michael suffered so many aneurysms and dissections that I lost count.  I think you will understand this...Knowing he had LDS, I've always known in the back of my mind that I'd end up a widow, but with each major surgery that he had to repair something, the more I felt he was beating the disease and it wasn't going to kill him! Read our story in my first few posts.  I think you will see lots of similarities.  He was/is my best friend and my whole world collapsed when I lost him.  Slowly, I'm picking myself up off the floor.  

I just lost Michael on March 3rd to sepsis, not related to anything LDS.  These past couple months have been...well...I'm not exactly sure.  I have found myself being struck down with sobbing fits one minute, then perfectly fine and functional the next. Friends and family have been wonderful by checking in with me and keeping me busy.  Still, in the dark, long hours of the night, I find my bed cold and lonely.  I miss my love.  I don't cry as often as I did before, but I still have my moments.  I let them come as they may.  

The best we all can do is just keep on going.  Live for them, since they can't do it anymore.  Michael always felt like he was holding me back from doing things because of his physical limitations.  I know that he now wants me to do everything I couldn't do before and I know he's smiling down on me while I'm doing them.  In fact, he's right there with me!  I know it seems like things will never get better, but I truly believe that in time, the pain will soften and we will smile more.

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I have 3 furbabies myself.  We lost our 17yo cat a couple years ago, who was the "main kitty".  I thought that was the hardest day, until I lost Michael.  You are in my prayers for healing and comfort.  

Just keep breathing...you are not alone! 

I am so sorry. My hubby died of sepsis...not diagnosed or treated in a timely manner...that was WHY he died. Walked into ED and died 17 hours later. Many people are not aware of sepsis. For whatever period of time I have left is to educate people about sepsis. It is dangerous and deadly and happens for many different reasons including UTI, kidney stones, pneumonia, Cdiff, childbirth, surgeries and that so called simple scratch. Sorry for my rant. I just had to mention it hoping I just might  help someone else. Anytime there is even a question of overwhelming illness and you go to an ED, ask could it be sepsis?!

I am so sorry. Not much more to say except I feel your pain. Our daughter's (who died in a car accident in 2004) dog crossed over the Rainbow Bridge a week ago. She was 17 years old. Another loss. Hard to know how to go on. Gentle hugs and tears coming your way.

I hope you have a "good" birthday. Sending you hugs, cake and icecream.

Geez, I am so very sorry for everything. i just dont get it when it comes to money. I have been fortunate. Everything was in order and still a real challenge BUT in my experience in life (73 years) I have seen families torn apart by a teapot. I just dont get it! You have been thru so much and if I understand it is one of your kids, no less. I am sure your heart is doubly heavy. This is a grewt group and you will learn you probably are not alone...not that that makes it even easier. Hugs.

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

I am going to put this on this "catch all hell" post.  I watched a movie last night, I watched all of it and the whole thing was not near as good as the first part of it.  Shirley MacLaine is probably one of my favorite actresses.  At age 84, she has still got "it."  Whatever "it" is.  The movie's name is "Wild Oats" and it was made in 2016.  It has Jessica Lange and Billy Connerly in it too.  But, the parts that reminded me of stuff I have read on here happened during the funeral of her husband and afterwards at the wake.  The only sad part to any of this is "it is so typical" of what we all have heard.  It is on Netflix.  I lost interest, but watched it anyhow.  About midway.  It became too fantastical but the first part of the movie was so typical of what you all have gone through, the terribly sad things people say, and I found myself laughing.  I hope you do too.  

I, too, just watched this and enjoyed it. Sad but funny too.