Finch, My grief & the way I feel is so much like yours. Me & my life partner the instant we met eyes it was truly love at first sight We were inseparable only time we were apart was due to work. My love starting getting this cough in March2016. It kept getting worse & I would beg him to go to the Dr but he would just tell me it was just his sinuses acting up. This went on until right after the New Year. I finally got him to go to the ER,after being sent home from work,we were there 8hrs. The Dr came in with his dx of cancer in his right lung & cancerous lymph nodes in his right throat thats why he was coughing. Things got very bad very quick. He was dx on Jan 3rd & on Jan 9th at 430 am he was gone. I was taking care of my love from our home, he only wanted me, but on the 9th about 1am he was in excruciating pain & his lips were turning a blueish color & he had fallen between our bed & TV. So, I called 911 & as weak as he was he kept sayinv no Lynne no. He wanted to die in my arms. But, as much as I would've wanted that I was still praying he'd come out of some of this plus I couldn't do it to his family. The ambulance guys said I couldn't go with him so I gathered up what I thought he might need & left. I never saw him alive again. The Er Dr came out the 1st time & told us he went into cardiac arrest but were able to bring him back the Dr also said his body was riddled with cancer even in his bones. Told us they were in the process of moving him to critical care in the ICU but he went into cardiac arrest again & they couldn't bring him back. I collapsed and just screamed NO, my son was on the phone freaking out he said he has never heard me like that before. I was hysterical. Then I told them I wanted to see him. When I saw him I just begin sobbing & I took his hand in mine & gently stroked his hair & kept kissing his face his forehead getting real close to his ear begging him to wake up. I stayed in there until they physically took me away. But, while I was in there with him alone all of a sudden I felt a warm presence around me. I said baby is that you....the chaplin saw & came in & said yes honey that is him letting you know that he is with you. I left my heart and part of myself there with him when I left that hospital. I cant eat, I barely sleep. The agonizing pain through out my whole body and the hurt & ache in my heart is so unbearable that I can barely breath. The love we shared was so intense so wonderful beautiful. I keep thinking he's going to come walking through that front door and this was all a terrible dream. He was the other half of me and without him my life just doesnt work. I/we loved each other intensely. He was funny, caring, giving, loving most Wonderful man I have ever known. He worried all the time about making sure I was taken care of. And I the same. He had diabetes and I was always asking him about his levels, etc... Baby, my truest love I will never stop missing you or loving you. I can not wait until we are brought together again, in heaven???