Genia

Thank you Kay!  

Thank you both for your comments.  Since he passed away...I'm finding myself thinking about all the good times and forgetting how he really was.  He was a Narcissist and very hard to live with....I need to let those memories go, because it hurts too much, to think about when things were good.  

My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 12 years.  We were married for 13.  Our oldest son was born a year after we were married, and our youngest son was born 8 years later.  I had a daughter from a previous marriage and so did he.  At first...he treated me like a Queen.  Never in my life had I been treated so well and felt so loved.  As the years went by, he started verbally and emotionally abusing me.  Nothing was every good enough.  I was stupid, lazy, and any other thing he could call me.  Eventually I left in the middle of the night with my two sons.  The day I left him, I loved him as much as the day I married him.  He could be such a wonderful husband one day...the next he could be horrible.  We rarely spoke to each other after I left him, and if we did...it was to remind me how much of an idiot I was for leaving him.  For about the last 2 years, we had finally gotten to the point we could carry on a conversation without fighting.

He passed away on Sept 5th, 2016 from liver failure, and I never thought it would effect me the way it has.  He was my soul mate...and I loved him beyond anything in this world.  I ask myself how I could possibly still love him after the way he treated me.  I can't answer that question.  I have cried so many tears.  But they have been silent tears, since I am remarried and have been for almost 11 years.  I love my husband, but nothing like I loved my ex.  I don't talk to him about the grief I feel, because I don't want to hurt him.  So I suffer in silence and only share it with a few close friends.

I think the fact that there wasn't any closure before he died.  I never got to say goodbye to him before he passed away.  

A song can come on the radio when I'm driving and I have to pull off and sit there and cry.  Some days he is all I can think about and I feel his presence with me.  It's really driving me nuts.  HOW can I still love a man who treated me the way he did for so many years, and still be grieving his death after 5 months?  I go to his facebook page and just stare at his pictures.  The hurt is unbearable for me and I don't know what to do.