Vanush

Thank you- what do you mean by “maybe not ready to go all in”- I have tried to figure out what this means?

Thankyou, Would you still see someone if they planned to go away?

Hello, i was wondering if I could seek some advice. I have met a lovely girl and we have dated for about 3 months, but I sense she was holding back. She tells me recently that she is just out of a relationship and that she plans to go travelling, for anywhere up to 2 years. Her travel date is set around 8 months from now. I asked her about this and whether this is all headed to a dead end, and she said she was keeping an open mind, saying I could come with her or we could do long distance. She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people. Secondly, she has these travel plans which seem to be non-compromisable. I think I could compromise for the right person for sure. There are 2 questions here: firstly, how do I manage this? If I continue to spend time with her it very well may develop into something and she may compromise or we will figure out how to make it work. However, this may end in heartbreak and more wasted time (which I could spend with another). She also may perpetually be “not ready for a relationship”. secondly, do I compromise for her (certainly not before I get a commitment): this would mean putting my career back and costing me around 15 grand to become a doctor overseas. The money may be good but I wonder if I’d ever be willing to make that commitment. i cannot emphasise enough the strength of these feelings, the connection is amazing, but these circumstances are very tough. any advice would be appreciated, thank you

I might add that I’ve been making new friends, playing sports and avoiding looking at photos, so they keep coming despite the avoidance

Hello all, it has been a little over a month since I’ve checked in, how is everyone? I continue to return to the same thoughts at the moment. I am considering, perhaps this person was really someone I would have been with, had I been in the right place. I definitely wasn’t then. Upon reflection I was never open to the possibility of a long distance relationship with her, nor the possibility of not being in my home state. You know that Joni Mitchell song lyric, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. I think that somewhat applies here. I am in the process of seeing a therapist to try to work things through. At times my mind does wander and thinks, what if I were to call her up, what would happen. It is a constant push and pull right now, but I wonder if the explanation is simple, the right person but not the right time for me. That however, would lead me down the path of contacting her, and I don’t know if that would be the right decision either. It does unfortunately leave me with this gnawing feeling of loneliness though

Thanks Kayc. That tip reminded me to look at a document I wrote for myself. I recall agonising in the morning once and knowing I would think this way about things after I had called things off, I recall imploring myself to trust my gut. Funny isn’t it, as a man I feel so bereffed of people to talk about this with, I feel like I have to always just grin and bear it, no one wants to hear about your struggles, it’s better to say you are doing well

Intriguing, thought I’d check in and see how everyone is, I’m going ok. I have managed, with your encouragement, to stop looking at photos. But dreams, songs all seem to keep me stuck in the one place, I’m seeing a therapist, which is a positive step. But he hasn’t been able to assist me just yet in stopping the recurring desire to call her up and beg her to take me back. I had a dream that we were married, and I daydreamed about it now too. It is such a horrible place to be stuck in right now. Perhaps because I know the way I felt when I was with her, so I cannot see any sense in my feelings. Perhaps though it is more about me and my mindset, and that when I was with her I had work to do on myself before I was able to love anyone else.

Another habit which I wonder whether either of you get into is looking to and pining for past relationships when you feel sad or your current relationship is not going well. Perhaps this indicates that there is too much unresolved grief

Yes absolutely. That resonated so much with me! Putting in the effort to make a relationship work does not feel like hard work for the right person or relationship. You've captured that so well. Today I attended a barbecue around the corner from her house, and it brought back some unresolved feelings. When I reflect back, a part of me wishes I took the plunge. The plunge of meeting family, friends and calling it a relationship. At the time my sister asked me whether I could see myself marrying this girl, and I couldn't answer yes or no. Perhaps an unfair question but nevertheless I decided no. I feel like there seems to be an inevitable boredom phase which I've hit with a few people where I havent been able to break through it. Perhaps it is where I realise there is not as much in common as I first thought, or where the bond is not strong enough. A tricky period. Ultimately, i can stand back from my feelings and see that I'm a guy who is hung up on a girl he declined, a girl that he didn't want despite multiple attempts. It seems absolutely ridiculous in those terms but the fear that this was a "one that got away" situation is absolutely terrifying.

Ah yes, if it doesn’t feel right! That Is a poignant point. My difficulty is in trusting my gut, I worry as I age I become more set in my ways and less prepared to spend my time with anyone, and that I’m so fussy. I have dated many beautiful people, but each time my gut ends up telling me this is not quite it. I suppose you must trust how u feel because it is just that. And it would be better to be single than to live in contrary to your desire. I also am amazed that you always “wanted to be together”. I have had this with only one person, and reflecting on this it wasn’t the case with Sarah. The difficulty truly comes when it is not a continuous feeling, but intermittent. Having said that, with my first relationship there was not a day that would go by where I didn’t want to be her boyfriend. It sounds like it was such a wonderful relationship and I’m so happy for you. Perhaps I have had this feeling once, and it feels like everything in life is just a little better. I pray, for you and me, that this can come along more than once in a lifetime.

So true Rae, I’m probably at a point now where I wish I could be shaken sense into. One thing I’ve been pondering more recently has been about how a “right” relationship feels, and thought you or Kayc May share your thoughts. I have had 2 relationships I think to compare here: the first, I was taken with her, love at first sight, crazy love story which turned into an insane romance, and then incredible heartbreak. There was never a question in my mind of whether I wanted to be around this person, it was automatic, I felt like I did nice things for her and was around her out of an instinct of love. Although ironically I was taken advantage of and stuck in a toxic cycle eventually. The second, Sarah, a similar “wow” feeling at the beginning, but then some question marks, the feeling of not wanting to put the effort in, and eventually without that effort the feelings waned. The confounding factor here was a much busier year in my life comparatively to the time period of the first relationship, and I believe I was a significantly different person after the first brutal heartbreak. None of these relationships worked out, but the first evoked an innate desire within me to love and care and spend time with the girl, despite her eventually not being right. Whereas with the second the desire eventually was simply not there despite my wanting it to be (although confounding factors exist). I guess the question simplifies to this, in the right relationship, should you feel that innate desire to spend time with that person a lot, or does it fade and require effort? (As it did with Sarah in the first 4-6 months). i know I must stop the destructive cycle of looking at photos too, that never helps, it is just still so hard to accept it’s over as I find myself thinking over and over- what if I had one more chance. I think the reality is though, I tried and tried, and it made us both sadder

Thanks, These are very wise words. I am trying to let her go currently. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, and family events around Christmas make me oh so miserable. Today my friend was wearing the same shoes she wore when I broke it off. But the message is clear. Take steps towards moving on, and be patient. I also find, that when these feelings come up, all you want to do is talk to someone about them. But no one truly listens, often I find they sweep your feelings aside with a phrase like you'll be ok. What they are truly saying is that they aren't comfortable with your feelings. Unfortunately I have found that over n over, and I turn to forums

Thanks kayc, I do need to give it time. With Sarah, once the initial few dates went on, we got comfortable and weren’t spending time doing exciting things on dates, we would just cook dinner and spend time together. I also never met her friends or family. This was a product of how busy I was and the pressure and stress of the career, as welll as her being busy. Do you think this could have been a reason our spark died away? If it is this devastates me, but I realise I couldn’t have given any more to her then, and if I had, would not have achieved so many goals professionally this year

You guys are fantastic thankyou. My brain continues to tell me and question me, maybe she was really an amazing one who got away. I don’t want to believe it but I’m starting to. I know what I’d tell myself- it didn’t work, the connection wasn’t quite there, it wasn’t good for you and it wouldn’t have worked. But something about the way I felt at the time had such a dramatic effect on me. I don’t know if I’m crazy, but I don’t desire a relationship in the conventional way. I like being busy, and when I sleep at night I prefer sleeping alone. I like things the way I do them. I find it more efficient and easy to be single. I don’t feel the need to have someone to show off. I worry that this is due strongly to the rights of my career and the constant pressure? I wonder if that can make u feel sort of numb, as I’ve felt before. But I do desire the feeling that is so strong in you that it is like a drug, and it makes you want to change all your ways and commit to inefficiency because you’re in love. I am not looking for a warm body, an empathetic ear or a trophy date. I am looking for the feeling, and the feeling alone. I’ve had it once before, and it made me thoroughly analyse and reassess the direction of my own life. Something that powerful I can only hope comes along twice in a lifetime. I have pondered these things over the past few weeks. Why am I addicted to the memory of Sarah and I? Is it impossible to find that feeling again,? And does my busy life dictate and make me less able to feel love

Yes so many good points, thankyou both for sharing your stories, it helps. It’s only hard when pictures come up, and I have to hold back the tears, I wish we didn’t have mutual friends, and I try to distance myself. When I look at her I just wonder, what sort of individual could not love her