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About Vanush

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
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  1. I might add that I’ve been making new friends, playing sports and avoiding looking at photos, so they keep coming despite the avoidance
  2. Hello all, it has been a little over a month since I’ve checked in, how is everyone? I continue to return to the same thoughts at the moment. I am considering, perhaps this person was really someone I would have been with, had I been in the right place. I definitely wasn’t then. Upon reflection I was never open to the possibility of a long distance relationship with her, nor the possibility of not being in my home state. You know that Joni Mitchell song lyric, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. I think that somewhat applies here. I am in the process of seeing a therapist to try to work things through. At times my mind does wander and thinks, what if I were to call her up, what would happen. It is a constant push and pull right now, but I wonder if the explanation is simple, the right person but not the right time for me. That however, would lead me down the path of contacting her, and I don’t know if that would be the right decision either. It does unfortunately leave me with this gnawing feeling of loneliness though
  3. Thanks Kayc. That tip reminded me to look at a document I wrote for myself. I recall agonising in the morning once and knowing I would think this way about things after I had called things off, I recall imploring myself to trust my gut. Funny isn’t it, as a man I feel so bereffed of people to talk about this with, I feel like I have to always just grin and bear it, no one wants to hear about your struggles, it’s better to say you are doing well
  4. Intriguing, thought I’d check in and see how everyone is, I’m going ok. I have managed, with your encouragement, to stop looking at photos. But dreams, songs all seem to keep me stuck in the one place, I’m seeing a therapist, which is a positive step. But he hasn’t been able to assist me just yet in stopping the recurring desire to call her up and beg her to take me back. I had a dream that we were married, and I daydreamed about it now too. It is such a horrible place to be stuck in right now. Perhaps because I know the way I felt when I was with her, so I cannot see any sense in my feelings. Perhaps though it is more about me and my mindset, and that when I was with her I had work to do on myself before I was able to love anyone else.
  5. Another habit which I wonder whether either of you get into is looking to and pining for past relationships when you feel sad or your current relationship is not going well. Perhaps this indicates that there is too much unresolved grief
  6. Yes absolutely. That resonated so much with me! Putting in the effort to make a relationship work does not feel like hard work for the right person or relationship. You've captured that so well. Today I attended a barbecue around the corner from her house, and it brought back some unresolved feelings. When I reflect back, a part of me wishes I took the plunge. The plunge of meeting family, friends and calling it a relationship. At the time my sister asked me whether I could see myself marrying this girl, and I couldn't answer yes or no. Perhaps an unfair question but nevertheless I decided no. I feel like there seems to be an inevitable boredom phase which I've hit with a few people where I havent been able to break through it. Perhaps it is where I realise there is not as much in common as I first thought, or where the bond is not strong enough. A tricky period. Ultimately, i can stand back from my feelings and see that I'm a guy who is hung up on a girl he declined, a girl that he didn't want despite multiple attempts. It seems absolutely ridiculous in those terms but the fear that this was a "one that got away" situation is absolutely terrifying.
  7. Ah yes, if it doesn’t feel right! That Is a poignant point. My difficulty is in trusting my gut, I worry as I age I become more set in my ways and less prepared to spend my time with anyone, and that I’m so fussy. I have dated many beautiful people, but each time my gut ends up telling me this is not quite it. I suppose you must trust how u feel because it is just that. And it would be better to be single than to live in contrary to your desire. I also am amazed that you always “wanted to be together”. I have had this with only one person, and reflecting on this it wasn’t the case with Sarah. The difficulty truly comes when it is not a continuous feeling, but intermittent. Having said that, with my first relationship there was not a day that would go by where I didn’t want to be her boyfriend. It sounds like it was such a wonderful relationship and I’m so happy for you. Perhaps I have had this feeling once, and it feels like everything in life is just a little better. I pray, for you and me, that this can come along more than once in a lifetime.
  8. So true Rae, I’m probably at a point now where I wish I could be shaken sense into. One thing I’ve been pondering more recently has been about how a “right” relationship feels, and thought you or Kayc May share your thoughts. I have had 2 relationships I think to compare here: the first, I was taken with her, love at first sight, crazy love story which turned into an insane romance, and then incredible heartbreak. There was never a question in my mind of whether I wanted to be around this person, it was automatic, I felt like I did nice things for her and was around her out of an instinct of love. Although ironically I was taken advantage of and stuck in a toxic cycle eventually. The second, Sarah, a similar “wow” feeling at the beginning, but then some question marks, the feeling of not wanting to put the effort in, and eventually without that effort the feelings waned. The confounding factor here was a much busier year in my life comparatively to the time period of the first relationship, and I believe I was a significantly different person after the first brutal heartbreak. None of these relationships worked out, but the first evoked an innate desire within me to love and care and spend time with the girl, despite her eventually not being right. Whereas with the second the desire eventually was simply not there despite my wanting it to be (although confounding factors exist). I guess the question simplifies to this, in the right relationship, should you feel that innate desire to spend time with that person a lot, or does it fade and require effort? (As it did with Sarah in the first 4-6 months). i know I must stop the destructive cycle of looking at photos too, that never helps, it is just still so hard to accept it’s over as I find myself thinking over and over- what if I had one more chance. I think the reality is though, I tried and tried, and it made us both sadder
  9. Thanks, These are very wise words. I am trying to let her go currently. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, and family events around Christmas make me oh so miserable. Today my friend was wearing the same shoes she wore when I broke it off. But the message is clear. Take steps towards moving on, and be patient. I also find, that when these feelings come up, all you want to do is talk to someone about them. But no one truly listens, often I find they sweep your feelings aside with a phrase like you'll be ok. What they are truly saying is that they aren't comfortable with your feelings. Unfortunately I have found that over n over, and I turn to forums
  10. Thanks kayc, I do need to give it time. With Sarah, once the initial few dates went on, we got comfortable and weren’t spending time doing exciting things on dates, we would just cook dinner and spend time together. I also never met her friends or family. This was a product of how busy I was and the pressure and stress of the career, as welll as her being busy. Do you think this could have been a reason our spark died away? If it is this devastates me, but I realise I couldn’t have given any more to her then, and if I had, would not have achieved so many goals professionally this year
  11. You guys are fantastic thankyou. My brain continues to tell me and question me, maybe she was really an amazing one who got away. I don’t want to believe it but I’m starting to. I know what I’d tell myself- it didn’t work, the connection wasn’t quite there, it wasn’t good for you and it wouldn’t have worked. But something about the way I felt at the time had such a dramatic effect on me. I don’t know if I’m crazy, but I don’t desire a relationship in the conventional way. I like being busy, and when I sleep at night I prefer sleeping alone. I like things the way I do them. I find it more efficient and easy to be single. I don’t feel the need to have someone to show off. I worry that this is due strongly to the rights of my career and the constant pressure? I wonder if that can make u feel sort of numb, as I’ve felt before. But I do desire the feeling that is so strong in you that it is like a drug, and it makes you want to change all your ways and commit to inefficiency because you’re in love. I am not looking for a warm body, an empathetic ear or a trophy date. I am looking for the feeling, and the feeling alone. I’ve had it once before, and it made me thoroughly analyse and reassess the direction of my own life. Something that powerful I can only hope comes along twice in a lifetime. I have pondered these things over the past few weeks. Why am I addicted to the memory of Sarah and I? Is it impossible to find that feeling again,? And does my busy life dictate and make me less able to feel love
  12. Yes so many good points, thankyou both for sharing your stories, it helps. It’s only hard when pictures come up, and I have to hold back the tears, I wish we didn’t have mutual friends, and I try to distance myself. When I look at her I just wonder, what sort of individual could not love her
  13. Ah yes, I can't wait for that day. It sounds like Tim and you weren't quite right for one another. The cold, cruel and emotionally unavailable person was one that I associate with, that is my ex-girlfriend really. I'm so glad and admiring of the fact that you moved on after such a tough time, it provides a good example for myself to remind myself of, and model upon. The existential void you describe resonates with me as well, it is clearly not a nice headspace to be in. Did you find that as long as you were busy, those feelings didn't catch up with you? I, like you, am 5 months or so after saying goodbye to Sarah, and it's definitely not easy. Only just today, I drove past the places we had countless dates and spent countless times together, however, unlike Tim or Joe, I can't say she was emotionally unavailable or horrible or nasty. She was lovely. Just not quite the right person for me, or the version of me currently. The reminders really sting I find, and tend to eat away at the insides. That is not to say that I'm drastically unhappy or doing poorly in my life, I'm still moving forward, but I actively avoid reminders of her, and I dislike going to weddings currently as I am reminded of what could have been. I try to stay away from social media where you are seeing people in happy fulfilling relationships reminding you of what you don't currently have. Difficult isn't it. It's not to say that it's the be all or end-all of life, but it adds a nice homely touch to this existence, a fulfilling relationship. It seems like you have been quite strong in moving on and steeling yourself. Do you think you were able to heal without becoming jaded about relationships/love etc? That is the ultimate goal here. But I know it is not quite that easy when I feel like she could have been the one to make me truly happy. The one you want to show off to everyone, to be at their side around people. But strangely, lacking that really close intimate connection and understanding of one another's minds.
  14. Ahh yes, probably true. I perhaps regret that mindset now, but what is done, is done. The only issue is, I keep looking at photos of her if I'm sad or having a bad day, wondering if it could have worked. It is like a drug addiction I think, i can't seem to stop. And yet what I think whilst looking at her (she quite possibly was the most attractive female I've seen) is so different from what I felt around her. This inconsistency between feelings and impressions seems to plague me, and I don't understand it. But I'm very sure and firm in the belief that it is done now. The clarity may never come, but I have to try to move on. A cruel emotion I've never had before..intense regret
  15. Yes, being in love with someone, seems to take more than just the right circumstances (which are not happening for me right now). It seems to be a deep connection, falling in love and a willing from both parties
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