Vanush

On 11/9/2019 at 4:25 AM, themermaidgoddess said:

I think the "not ready thing" is a red flag. Sometimes we want to anything for the power of love. We'd give up everything for this one person. AND that's amazing but...

Would she do the same for you?

Her saying she's not ready could mean maybe not being ready to go all in. I tend to think that when people say they aren't ready they do hurt people.

Listen to your brain and your gut. Not your heart.

That's all I can really give, best of luck to you!

Thank you- what do you mean by “maybe not ready to go all in”- I have tried to figure out what this means?

Thankyou,

Would you still see someone if they planned to go away?

Hello,

i was wondering if I could seek some advice. I have met a lovely girl and we have dated for about 3 months, but I sense she was holding back.

She tells me recently that she is just out of a relationship and that she plans to go travelling, for anywhere up to 2 years. Her travel date is set around 8 months from now. 

I asked her about this and whether this is all headed to a dead end, and she said she was keeping an open mind, saying I could come with her or we could do long distance. 

She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people.

Secondly, she has these travel plans which seem to be non-compromisable. I think I could compromise for the right person for sure.

There are 2 questions here: firstly, how do I manage this? If I continue to spend time with her it very well may develop into something and she may compromise or we will figure out how to make it work. However, this may end in heartbreak and more wasted time (which I could spend with another). She also may perpetually be “not ready for a relationship”.

secondly, do I compromise for her (certainly not before I get a commitment): this would mean putting my career back and costing me around 15 grand to become a doctor overseas. The money may be good but I wonder if I’d ever be willing to make that commitment.

i cannot emphasise enough the strength of these feelings, the connection is amazing, but these circumstances are very tough.

any advice would be appreciated,

thank you

I might add that I’ve been making new friends, playing sports and avoiding looking at photos, so they keep coming despite the avoidance 

Hello all, it has been a little over a month since I’ve checked in, how is everyone? I continue to return to the same thoughts at the moment. I am considering, perhaps this person was really someone I would have been with, had I been in the right place. I definitely wasn’t then. Upon reflection I was never open to the possibility of a long distance relationship with her, nor the possibility of not being in my home state.

You know that Joni Mitchell song lyric, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. I think that somewhat applies here.

I am in the process of seeing a therapist to try to work things through. At times my mind does wander and thinks, what if I were to call her up, what would happen. It is a constant push and pull right now, but I wonder if the explanation is simple, the right person but not the right time for me. That however, would lead me down the path of contacting her, and I don’t know if that would be the right decision either.

It does unfortunately leave me with this gnawing feeling of loneliness though

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Remind yourself how it really was and what it would REALLY be like if you were together.  That always cures me from looking back, for a while anyway! 
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist.  Let him know what you want/need to work on and if you don't start seeing results, don't be afraid to look for another one.

Thanks Kayc. That tip reminded me to look at a document I wrote for myself. I recall agonising in the morning once and knowing I would think this way about things after I had called things off, I recall imploring myself to trust my gut. Funny isn’t it, as a man I feel so bereffed of people to talk about this with, I feel like I have to always just grin and bear it, no one wants to hear about your struggles, it’s better to say you are doing well

Intriguing, thought I’d check in and see how everyone is, I’m going ok. I have managed, with your encouragement, to stop looking at photos. But dreams, songs all seem to keep me stuck in the one place, I’m seeing a therapist, which is a positive step. But he hasn’t been able to assist me just yet in stopping the recurring desire to call her up and beg her to take me back. I had a dream that we were married, and I daydreamed about it now too. It is such a horrible place to be stuck in right now. Perhaps because I know the way I felt when I was with her, so I cannot see any sense in my feelings. Perhaps though it is more about me and my mindset, and that when I was with her I had work to do on myself before I was able to love anyone else. 

Another habit which I wonder whether either of you get into is looking to and pining for past relationships when you feel sad or your current relationship is not going well.

Perhaps this indicates that there is too much unresolved grief

Yes absolutely. That resonated so much with me! Putting in the effort to make a relationship work does not feel like hard work for the right person or relationship. You've captured that so well. 

Today I attended a barbecue around the corner from her house, and it brought back some unresolved feelings. When I reflect back, a part of me wishes I took the plunge. The plunge of meeting family, friends and calling it a relationship. At the time my sister asked me whether I could see myself marrying this girl, and I couldn't answer yes or no. Perhaps an unfair question but nevertheless I decided no. 

I feel like there seems to be an inevitable boredom phase which I've hit with a few people where I havent been able to break through it. Perhaps it is where I realise there is not as much in common as I first thought, or where the bond is not strong enough. A tricky period.

Ultimately, i can stand back from my feelings and see that I'm a guy who is hung up on a girl he declined, a girl that he didn't want despite multiple attempts. It seems absolutely ridiculous in those terms but the fear that this was a "one that got away" situation is absolutely terrifying. 

4 minutes ago, kayc said:

The experts say there isn't such a thing as love at first sight, that you grow it...I think a little of both is true.   When I met George, we felt an instant connection, we could relate to each other, we could have talked for hours and really understood each other.  Chemistry/attraction can be part of it, but that's just infatuation, for me the attraction grew the more I got to know him and it was largely there due to how he treated me.  We respond to good treatment.  He always made me feel protected, cared about.  He often said he appreciated how I'd always be honest with him  Sometimes the truth hurts but he knew that no matter what I said to him, it was coming from a good place because I always had his best interests at heart.  We trusted each other, had faith in each other, this was core in our relationship.  He said he appreciated how I allowed him freedom...it never occurred to me to be any way different!  We naturally wanted to be with each other, and we held hands and cuddled.  it wasn't like that in my previous relationships. When we were apart, we missed each other.  Once a year I'd go to my sisters' reunions and he'd go fishing with the guys, but other than that, we spent our weekends together.  We WANTED to be together!  Neither of us felt smothered, if I wanted to do something with the ladies or he wanted to do something with the guys, that was fine, but most of the time we spent our free time together.  We were each other's best friend.  We listened to each other, cared about each other, it was just good and we both felt loved.  He was respectful and there for my children, who were teenagers by the time we met.  When we got married my daughter was on her own and my son had a year left of high school.  Him and George got along great, considered each other friends.  George was a wonderful stepfather.

This is what looked like a good relationship to me. I know how to recognize love because now I have a barometer by which to gauge it.  But people can fool you.  They can parrot what they know you want without really meaning it.  It's important to pay attention to red flags, not excuse them because they "must be having a bad day".  If something doesn't feel right...it probably isn't.  Consistency is key.  

Ah yes, if it doesn’t feel right! That Is a poignant point. My difficulty is in trusting my gut, I worry as I age I become more set in my ways and less prepared to spend my time with anyone, and that I’m so fussy. I have dated many beautiful people, but each time my gut ends up telling me this is not quite it. I suppose you must trust how u feel because it is just that. And it would be better to be single than to live in contrary to your desire.

I also am amazed that you always “wanted to be together”. I have had this with only one person, and reflecting on this it wasn’t the case with Sarah. The difficulty truly comes when it is not a continuous feeling, but intermittent. Having said that, with my first relationship there was not a day that would go by where I didn’t want to be her boyfriend.

It sounds like it was such a wonderful relationship and I’m so happy for you. Perhaps I have had this feeling once, and it feels like everything in life is just a little better. I pray, for you and me, that this can come along more than once in a lifetime.

On 12/30/2018 at 12:57 AM, Rae1991 said:

It's okay to not be fine. It's okay to turn here or to a therapist when you feel alone because your friends don't want to listen to you drone on over and over.

I experienced this with both break-ups too. After so long your friends (and even yourself) DO get tired of you sounding like a broken record for months after the fact, and I understand why (maybe its different for men because of the different social norms/expectations of friendships among men and women) because they think that you're actively stopping yourself from moving forward by continually rehashing the same words/thoughts for months or a year and clinging to someone that has rejected you. To be honest, having that friend when you all go out to a social setting who starts bawling about their ex after two beers can be a serious killjoy and it gets exhausting trying to constantly console them. 

Breakups happen to everyone and some are worse than others, but at some point, we have to say "Enough is enough, they don't deserve my tears or thoughts anymore and I deserve better" and just stop giving away our control, letting this person occupy so much of our time and head space. At some point one needs to ask themselves: Do I think my ex is behaving/feeling the same way? Am I behaving in a way that is healthy? Have I begun alienating friends because I keep bringing up this subject every time we talk? Chances are if its been months or years and you still haven't progressed, it probably isn't healthy, your ex has moved on and your friends are tired of it. They love you and want what's best for you, but even they have their limits because only you have control over your behavior. They could tell you to take steps to move on or give you ideas about how to focus on yourself until they're blue in the face, but you won't truly begin to move forward until you choose to do so.

I am actually grateful a friend of mine sat me down after about 8 months of me pining and talking about Joe and our breakup and finally said, "Rae, shut the f*** up. You deserve better than him and this. It has been months and I love you, but I am tired of consoling you and this subject dominating your life and our friendship. You need to either go back to therapy or find hobbies to occupy your free time. You are now making a choice not to move on and its really unhealthy. You and Joe are not getting back together, it's over, and you need to accept that. You love him, but no love is worth this. You are embarrassing yourself by clinging to him for superficial reasons. You are an adult now and you need to confront this."

Yes, it takes time and patience to fully move on, its painful, uncomfortable and seems like it takes forever, but after so long, you have to accept responsibility for your own feelings. While it is absolutely your friends job to support you in your time of need, it is not their job to make you move on or constantly listen to the same story you've told them 1000x over about your feelings and break-up when you never take the advice they give or appreciate that they're still listening. At some point, your friends will either tell you to shut up or they'll just stop engaging you because they feel like the mutual friendship is being dominated by you and your feelings. I understand break-up feelings can make a person self-centered, but again, after so long, behavior like this can become a deliberate choice. I have been on both sides of this spectrum multiple times, as have many people I'm sure, so I know how it feels.

I have actually told a few friends they needed to stop their obsessive nonsense and shook them at times, but they were in different situations than you involving guys that did nothing but use/abuse them so they behaved erratically and did some very unhealthy things. A friend from college thought it'd be a good idea to exact revenge on her ex (NEVER EVER do this, it only makes you look unstable and could get you in legal trouble, too). I just about smacked her because it seemed that was the only way to knock any sense into her. LOL.

--Rae 

So true Rae, I’m probably at a point now where I wish I could be shaken sense into.

One thing I’ve been pondering more recently has been about how a “right” relationship feels, and thought you or Kayc May share your thoughts.

I have had 2 relationships I think to compare here: the first, I was taken with her, love at first sight, crazy love story which turned into an insane romance, and then incredible heartbreak. There was never a question in my mind of whether I wanted to be around this person, it was automatic, I felt like I did nice things for her and was around her out of an instinct of love. Although ironically I was taken advantage of and stuck in a toxic cycle eventually.

The second, Sarah, a similar “wow” feeling at the beginning, but then some question marks, the feeling of not wanting to put the effort in, and eventually without that effort the feelings waned. The confounding factor here was a much busier year in my life comparatively to the time period of the first relationship, and I believe I was a significantly different person after the first brutal heartbreak. 

None of these relationships worked out, but the first evoked an innate desire within me to love and care and spend time with the girl, despite her eventually not being right. Whereas with the second the desire eventually was simply not there despite my wanting it to be (although confounding factors exist). 

I guess the question simplifies to this, in the right relationship, should you feel that innate desire to spend time with that person a lot, or does it fade and require effort? (As it did with Sarah in the first 4-6 months).

i know I must stop the destructive cycle of looking at photos too, that never helps, it is just still so hard to accept it’s over as I find myself thinking over and over- what if I had one more chance. I think the reality is though, I tried and tried, and it made us both sadder

Thanks,

These are very wise words. I am trying to let her go currently. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, and family events around Christmas make me oh so miserable. Today my friend was wearing the same shoes she wore when I broke it off.

But the message is clear. Take steps towards moving on, and be patient. I also find, that when these feelings come up, all you want to do is talk to someone about them. But no one truly listens, often I find they sweep your feelings aside with a phrase like you'll be ok. 

What they are truly saying is that they aren't comfortable with your feelings. Unfortunately I have found that over n over, and I turn to forums 

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Vanush, Give yourself time to have clarity, sometimes it can take months or years.  I still care very much about Jim and we're good friends, but oh my goodness I'm glad I'm not in the middle of that!  He doesn't have good life skills, neither does his XW, nor his daughter...he has one daughter who does and I feel for her having to deal with their problems, it's a lot.  People who can't pay their bills on time, etc. and constantly have issues because of it!  I don't understand people not being able to budget or make good choices, but there seems to be a lot of them in this country!
When a relationship doesn't work for any reason, try to be thankful you found out before you did something permanent, that only worsens the problems.

They say that the first six months you fall "in love" which is the infatuation period, you DO get a high on it, it releases endorphins in your brain, that makes it all the harder to keep a good perspective and one reason people often get into the relationship too fast.  Date and develop friendships, build on it slowly but surely and pay heed to red flags.  It'll happen for you, all in good time, so long as you don't settle for the wrong one hastily.  Hold out for that good and lasting relationship!  I had it with George and even though he died, I still draw from the lessons I learned from him, the comfort and positives from our relationship.  He loved me enough to last me a lifetime!...and I him.

Thanks kayc, I do need to give it time. With Sarah, once the initial few dates went on, we got comfortable and weren’t spending time doing exciting things on dates, we would just cook dinner and spend time together. I also never met her friends or family. This was a product of how busy I was and the pressure and stress of the career, as welll as her being busy. Do you think this could have been a reason our spark died away? If it is this devastates me, but I realise I couldn’t have given any more to her then, and if I had, would not have achieved so many goals professionally this year

You guys are fantastic thankyou. My brain continues to tell me and question me, maybe she was really an amazing one who got away. I don’t want to believe it but I’m starting to. I know what I’d tell myself- it didn’t work, the connection wasn’t quite there, it wasn’t good for you and it wouldn’t have worked. But something about the way I felt at the time had such a dramatic effect on me.

I don’t know if I’m crazy, but I don’t desire a relationship in the conventional way. I like being busy, and when I sleep at night I prefer sleeping alone. I like things the way I do them. I find it more efficient and easy to be single. I don’t feel the need to have someone to show off. I worry that this is due strongly to the rights of my career and the constant pressure? I wonder if that can make u feel sort of numb, as I’ve felt before.

But I do desire the feeling that is so strong in you that it is like a drug, and it makes you want to change all your ways and commit to inefficiency because you’re in love. I am not looking for a warm body, an empathetic ear or a trophy date. I am looking for the feeling, and the feeling alone. I’ve had it once before, and it made me thoroughly analyse and reassess the direction of my own life. Something that powerful I can only hope comes along twice in a lifetime. 

I have pondered these things over the past few weeks. Why am I addicted to the memory of Sarah and I? Is it impossible to find that feeling again,? And does my busy life dictate and make me less able to feel love

Yes so many good points, thankyou both for sharing your stories, it helps. It’s only hard when pictures come up, and I have to hold back the tears, I wish we didn’t have mutual friends, and I try to distance myself. When I look at her I just wonder, what sort of individual could not love her

On 11/27/2018 at 2:34 AM, Rae1991 said:

You will move on and with the time will come the clarity. As I've said before it took me nearly a year to fully move on from Joe: to stop hating him, stop being angry and stop letting his behavior and our past relationship occupy so much head space. I cried for months after we broke up, I annoyed my close friends with the constant need for reassurance that everything was going to be okay and that I would move on and find someone deserving of my affection. Fast forward 5, almost 6 years and now, he's nothing more than a guy I consider an acquaintance even though at one point I'd have followed him to the end of the Earth had he wanted me to. I didn't realize it at the time, but not long after that first year came and went, I didn't even realize it until a friend pointed out that I seemed better and like I had fully began moving forward.

I also cried for months, both times Tim and I broke up. The pain, regret and rehashing conversations in my head seemed endless, but after about 5 months, I stopped crying and started taking stock of all the things that had happened and everything I had done since. By about 12 months post-breakup, I didn't even see him as this great, wonderful person I believed he was that I missed out on being with. I saw him for the cold, cruel, emotionally unavailable person he truly was. The events that transpired after we broke up with me suddenly getting a new job and moving away definitely helped, the distance from the city we both lived in, his family and our mutual friends helped as I didn't drive by the place where we first met or frequently went on dates, or where he lived. I now had a job with some disposable income and no longer had to neglect paying one bill to pay another, and moving away definitely helped me learn to fill the existential void I had always felt inside without needing a significant other to do so.

It was weird at first and I was afraid so much happiness was not going to last, so I tried to search for negativity, bad things or things that could go wrong for a while and when I came up empty handed, I realized that I had spent so much time comfortable being hurt, abandoned, sad and traumatized that I was actually afraid of things going right and didn't know how to react when I no longer had reasons to be sad or felt hurt.

At some point, YOU WILL have the moment of clarity you seek. But part of the reason why the clarity hasn't come to you is because you're chasing it and trying to will it to come. Just like with chasing a person and you "willing" yourself to love them, you cannot will yourself to have that moment of clarity. It will come randomly, but that does not mean you can give up working on moving forward with the rest of your life.

--Rae 

Ah yes, I can't wait for that day. It sounds like Tim and you weren't quite right for one another. The cold, cruel and emotionally unavailable person was one that I associate with, that is my ex-girlfriend really. I'm so glad and admiring of the fact that you moved on after such a tough time, it provides a good example for myself to remind myself of, and model upon. The existential void you describe resonates with me as well, it is clearly not a nice headspace to be in. Did you find that as long as you were busy, those feelings didn't catch up with you? 

I, like you, am 5 months or so after saying goodbye to Sarah, and it's definitely not easy. Only just today, I drove past the places we had countless dates and spent countless times together, however, unlike Tim or Joe, I can't say she was emotionally unavailable or horrible or nasty. She was lovely. Just not quite the right person for me, or the version of me currently. The reminders really sting I find, and tend to eat away at the insides. That is not to say that I'm drastically unhappy or doing poorly in my life, I'm still moving forward, but I actively avoid reminders of her, and I dislike going to weddings currently as I am reminded of what could have been. I try to stay away from social media where you are seeing people in happy fulfilling relationships reminding you of what you don't currently have. Difficult isn't it. 

It's not to say that it's the be all or end-all of life, but it adds a nice homely touch to this existence, a fulfilling relationship. It seems like you have been quite strong in moving on and steeling yourself. Do you think you were able to heal without becoming jaded about relationships/love etc? That is the ultimate goal here. But I know it is not quite that easy when I feel like she could have been the one to make me truly happy. The one you want to show off to everyone, to be at their side around people. But strangely, lacking that really close intimate connection and understanding of one another's minds. 

Ahh yes, probably true. I perhaps regret that mindset now, but what is done, is done. The only issue is, I keep looking at photos of her if I'm sad or having a bad day, wondering if it could have worked. It is like a drug addiction I think, i can't seem to stop. And yet what I think whilst looking at her (she quite possibly was the most attractive female I've seen) is so different from what I felt around her. This inconsistency between feelings and impressions seems to plague me, and I don't understand it.

But I'm very sure and firm in the belief that it is done now. The clarity may never come, but I have to try to move on. A cruel emotion I've never had before..intense regret

23 hours ago, kayc said:

had always been told (and even in our premarital counseling) that you WILL to love someone.  Well that's true, that takes you through the commitment part when during the marriage someone doesn't SEEM very lovable.  BUT!  You also have to be in love with that person. 

Yes, being in love with someone, seems to take more than just the right circumstances (which are not happening for me right now). It seems to be a deep connection, falling in love and a willing from both parties 

22 hours ago, kayc said:

With my kids' dad, it wasn't until after we were married.  He reminded me of my father in so many ways, I naturally thought he'd be loving like him too...but no, he didn't have that part at all.  He was a Viet Nam vet that should have gotten help from the VA but never did, I don't know if it was his pride or denial or what.  I would imagine he has the same superficiality with his current marriage as he always did.  Even when he did something nice it seemed perfunctory rather than heart-driven.  We just drove in the driveway from our honeymoon when his act ended.  And I kept on "willing" to love him.

Ahh yes, very interesting. That connection you had with George, I know what that feels like. I had it once, and I was so so lucky to. It doesn’t need forcing or work in the beginning, it just worked. Later on I had the things and the compromises but I wanted to do this, it was out of my own will. 

With Sarah, I didn’t have it. I just felt stuck, and pressured to make a decision. 

At the core of this is a very tough decision, and one that I doubt regularly. I couldn’t choose a partner here (or so I thought) because I needed to be close to my family. They need me, and I can’t help but think I owe them a debt to be near them. That is not to say they have verbalised that, but I know it to be true. For this reason, I don’t think I was in the right mindset to fully give myself to Sarah and start a relationship. Even when I brought it up, telling her that that was where my life was headed, she did not say anything, I think our communication was poor. To see it as a viable relationship I needed her to tell me it was possible, but that didn’t happen. I think that is part of why we never got past the initial spark, because there wasn’t a viable future in my head. 

Please excuse my ramblings, but I am seemingly getting more and more clarity

19 hours ago, kayc said:

You ask why I married him...he put on quite an act before we were married, I guess I got swept up in what he presented, we had similar backgrounds and goals, we partnered well together and communicated well on a superficial level, but never did on an intimate level. 

Kayc this really resonated with me, the superficial level, this is perhaps where I was at with Sarah. It looks good, it feels good for a while but after a while you realise you don’t connect right? You wake up and feel so/so about seeing the person, you are not enthused to be with them. On the outside though people say (as was said to me) “ but she is gorgeous, you guys look great together”. But then you realise it is nothing about looks, it is about how u feel. That perhaps is the most devastating thing when u care for someone so much that you want to love them 

Oh gosh I’m so sorry to hear u had that experience kayc, 

19 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

Oh most definitely. Joe and I broke up due to his infidelity as well. He then left me for the girl he had been cheating with. The first year was rough, as we lived in a small town and I would see them together periodically at the gym, grocery store or photos of them with the few mutual friends we had on social media. After a few months I switched gyms, grocery stores and removed the mutual friends or their updates from my feeds.

That hurt ran deep. The sting you get when you see them with their new partner treating them the way they should have treated you, it hurts. It is definitely something you do need to explore, perhaps bring this up to your counselor and describe the feelings you felt upon first glance. Especially if it's been longer than 6-12 months since the break-up. I repressed my feelings in the same way it seems you are and it took me over a year to fully move on from him because I was ashamed to admit I was still hurting. I say that because about 8 months after our break-up, I was talking about it to a close friend who knew us both and through our relationship. We'd had conversations about this topic multiple times before.....She stopped me after about 10 minutes and was like, "Rae, you need to stop talking about this like it happened yesterday. I understand you loved him and may still be reeling from the experience. But, the way you still talk makes it seem like you're stopping yourself from moving forward on purpose. You are obsessing and it is unhealthy. Are you still in contact with him? Do you believe that you deserved what he did? You sound like you're still in love with him and are holding on to the hope that you may get back together one day. It's okay to still not be completely out of love with him, but you need to face the reality that you are not getting back together. Ever. Why would you want him back anyway? He put a ring on your finger, then cheated on you, lied, blamed you for his behavior, and will probably propose to this girl, and do the exact same thing to her. You're only 22, you can't waste your life on people like this. He doesn't deserve it and neither do you. You have a degree to finish and a career to look forward to. You can't let this derail your entire life, and that's what you're doing."

I started seeing a therapist again a few weeks later, and it helped a lot. Some 4.5 years later in 2017 he tried reconciling and apologizing for how he behaved (turns out she had left him for another guy after he had tried to propose), and I wanted no part of his pity party. The way I see it now, him cheating on me was probably the best thing he could've ever done for me.

About 7 months after we had broken up and I had moved away in 2016, I was scrolling social media, a profile popped up on my "people you may know" list. The picture was of my ex-bf Tim and what I assumed was his girlfriend. Again the sting of hurt took over. This time around however, I just removed the profile from my list and got off social media for a few days. I then removed the couple of mutual profiles we had in common. I was already seeing a therapist at the time, so I brought it up and she asked how I felt. TBH, yeah it hurt a little bit as it seemed like he had moved on unscathed by how he treated me or what he did, but then the counselor told me to remind myself of all the hurt he had caused me, and look at what I have done with my life since then that I wouldn't have been able to do if we'd stayed together (left a crappy job, got my own apartment, started traveling again, moved alone to a new city, etc) and as I started to repeatedly remind myself of all that I've accomplished and will continue to, suddenly, the hurt started to fade and I stopped thinking about him as this great person I missed out on. Instead, he's just a guy I dated that used me to fill a void in his life because I had what he was lacking. He was a guy I didn't have a future with anyway because he didn't support my goals and only loved the idea of me, not me.

Being honest and truthful about the reality of the situations I had been in did wonders for helping me to heal, move on and accept that I don't need and shouldn't want people in my life that only like the idea of me, not me as a person, who don't mean me well and don't support my goals.

You will get to this point too, Vanush. But it does take work. And you are already doing the work by coming here and going to therapy. You want to heal, and you will.

--Rae 

Thankyou Rae, I certainly hope so. I’m actually glad I could have had that experience now, as I’ve realised that I would not want this partner in my life as I reflected upon the way I was treated. You have learnt a lot from these struggles and carved meaning definitely from your situations. I’m sure that mine will aid me to find meaning somehow just like you have done. It saddens me that people treat one another in this way. Interesting that you stopped talking about him in that way and it helped, something I may put into practice for myself.

i just feeel like relationships are repeating in patterns now, and I find someone I’m not quite keen on, or vice versa. At this demanding point in my career too, there is less room and emotional availability to support a partner as I’d like. 

These relationships and these people come across path and shape us, similar to natural selection I believe, hopefully enabling us to carve a better path each time. Some of us take longer however, and at 30 I definitely feel I’m ready to give myself wholly to someone. 

What happened with Sarah still leaves me pining for her, as a concept rather than an individual. On paper, and in my head it is so appealing. I wonder if it has to do with her physical attractiveness, her kindness or her good family. I often find myself fantasising about being with her and messaging her and everything working out, and yet I had that, and didn’t feel it was right. I scald myself for being superficial but good looks, a nice family and kindness are all things that seem to draw me in, and not let me move on. 

I feel like the answer to all of this is on the tip of my tongue and all it would take is for someone just to point it out to me and I could move on from her, but it just won’t let me yet. I theorise that I would have felt different if I was more settled in my career, in my hometown and our communication was better. Sarah and I never seemed like a possibility as e weren’t able to communicate properly regarding future plans or be open enough with one another. Because of this, I felt like my feelings were that it was a dead end. At least this is what I am hoping is the explanation for clarity’s sake. Had we met at a different time where I was more available and practicalities could have worked out maybe we would have clicked. This seems to be the only rational explanation for why it didn’t develop further than the initial spark for me, despite it appearing perfect.

You are obviously in quite a good place now, am I right? I am so sorry to hear everything that happened to you but it is amazing the wisdom it has given you

That is a beautiful song, thanks for sharing. I cannot wait to finish my last professional exam and be able to have time to talk a little more with someone about this. A peculiar experience I had today, when I bumped into an old partner, not Sarah, but the girl I dated before. I saw her with her new partner, and it really brought some strange feelings up for me. I can’t say anger, or sadness, but somewhere in this vicinity. She was perhaps my first true love and she broke my heart by being unfaithful. Perhaps there is still hurt there which I need to explore, have either of you experienced this?

On 10/29/2018 at 11:18 PM, Rae1991 said:

 

My takeaways from Alain's talk were both of yours plus 3. Love is a skill we need to develop over time, not just as children, but adults too. 4. That everyone is a varying degree of difficult to deal and live with LOL. But that doesn't make us unworthy of love, it makes us human 5. That it's okay to desire human connection, but we're all so bad at it because of our poor communication and other habits that society tells us are good and normal. But its hard to unlearn all those bad habits, though it is possible. 6. Don't be afraid to say "I need you" and tell your partner what you want/need from them.

Hindsight is 20/20 when you wish to go back and change something with the knowledge you know now. Wallowing in that state of mind will eat you alive. But, you can't change the fact that even though she was good on paper for you, your mind/gut/feelings told you otherwise. Listen to them. I will reiterate that being attracted to someone does not make them good/right for you and vice versa. Maybe that's all it was meant to be. As I said in previous posts, communication was lacking from both ends, you said the "spark" fizzled after a few weeks in (that should be your first indication. Real chemistry doesn't die so quickly and, its something you both need to work at maintaining, especially in an LTR or after the honeymoon ends) and it seemed you both just assumed things would fall into place naturally....Unfortunately life and relationships don't work that way.

Look at it this way: If that relationship was meant to last longer than three months, it wouldn't have died so swiftly during what most would argue is the easiest, most fun and happiest part of a relationship (the honeymoon phase). Ironically I believe why they call it that is because you're still riding off the endorphins of meeting and discovering someone new. Kind of like the high some get at their weddings and then when that and the honeymoon are over... reality sets in and for a lot of people unfortunately married and LTR life isn't what they envisioned and it takes more work than expected (see Relationship/Marriage Fantasy Goggles).

 

Yes, so very poignant! 

I do wait for the day I can spring out of bed and not think of her. But it still gets me and I am drawn into the illusion and trick of what could have been. 

It would be such interesting science/psychology, to figure out, how I have gotten over relationships that lasted 2 years, in the space of 6 months, yet Sarah and I were never in a relationship, and 4 months later I still find myself in a bind. What a peculiar thing the human mind is. 

The desire and anxiety to find that "one" who will complete you and make you a happy person is at play here I believe, and just as you have both pointed out in your previous posts, it is not a healthy thing to be continually searching for this person to make you happy. It is better to go out with no expectations and make your own fun, your own achievements, and then one day, unexpectedly, you may come across someone who stuns you. 

Until then, it is great to have such a good community of minds!

22 hours ago, kayc said:

Amen to that!  I've had to learn to value myself.  I am my own best company!  Did I plan to be alone?  No!  But it is okay that I am.

Absolutely! And I can tell the strength of your character because of it. So many people in your position I find to be the most generous, giving and loving people! 

Ergh, don’t you just hate the waves of emotion that come over you when you least expect it! It’s strange how I can forget so easily the feeling of it just not being right, that is distant in the memory, but I won’t forget all her positives.  it still burns really intensely! I am left to grieve over whether something could have been done to change my feelings at that time. Maybe had I worked on myself a little more I would have been in the right place, maybe had I stuck at it longer...